Remember Eurovision’s Daz Sampson?

Saturday was rough. Real rough.

By now pretty much everyone in Europe will be aware that Britain’s entrant for this year’s (2021) Eurovision scored 0 points.

Ye-ep.

For those who haven’t already seen/heard it…

Compare this to Germany’s entry…

Germany scored 3 points. At the risk of eroding the UK’s diplomatic relations with Europe further, 3 points was plenty.

And before you go all “Alice, you’re from Britain so naturally you’re going to be a sore loser about this” – well, do you remember Daz Sampson? Back from the 2006 Eurovision in Athens?

Let me refresh you.

Daz Sampson was originally part of Uniting Nations, the duo that, in fairness, brought out this one-hit wonder in 2005:

(Side note, was I the only person deeply uncomfortable with the trend to sexualise women in music videos, even back then? Why was this an acceptable thing?!)

Needless to say, the guy knew how to make a club banger.

But when it came to our Eurovision entry, we got this:

Basically the same setup from Out of Touch, but in a school setting, with DJ turnstiles, none of the tune status and, to quote one YouTube comment, “your drunken Dad trying to rap at a wedding.”

Dear goodness.

This is the edited version, in the XXX director’s cut I’d wager the women get on the desks while Daz fans their awkward dancing with cue cards and revision notes.

I mean, just look at the album artwork.

The wannabe hard guy who peddles drugs at the school gates and then tries it on with the 16 year-olds, even though he’s 45 and still lives with his mum. Tell me I’m wrong.

The best bit? We got 25 points that year, 25! By British scoring standards that’s alright, a fair crack of the whip. So please, please don’t tell me that the 2021 entry is of inferior quality compared to that. Don’t tell me it levels with Britain’s only other nil point entrant from back in 2003.

Exactly.

And that’s all I’m going to say on the matter.

What has Daz Sampson been up to since Eurovision?

Still trying to get back into Eurovision…by representing Belarus.

To quote the article, “will the dynamic duo make it to Eurovision?” Well no, they didn’t.

Ironically, Belarus went for another song called “I’ll teach you” which was itself disqualified on account of it’s heavy political agenda, mocking of the ongoing peaceful protests against recent election results. Lyrics (translated into English) here.

Make of that what you will.

I wonder why the country weren’t prepared to enter Daz’s number?

Honestly, I have no words left to say and a cupboard that’s now chronically low on alcohol.

Christ.

I’m off to urgently restock.

(If you enjoyed this, you may also like my other Eurovision-themed post РBritish Politics, as Told Through the Medium of Eurovision Songs)

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British Politics, as Told Through the Medium of Eurovision Songs

Having been cooped up for what feels like a lifetime, I was overjoyed to hear that Eurovision is going ahead again this year.

In celebration of this wonderfully cheesy event, here are a selection of songs which could describe the stages of British reactions to Covid (anything to make this a bit more topical).

British Politics, as Told Through the Medium of Eurovision Songs

Before Covid, everything was wonderfully normal and all we had to worry about was accidentally winding up on a date with someone you think is famous, but is actually the Bruno Mars tribute act playing at your best mate’s wedding

That, or the effects of drinking river water contaminated by the chicken farm upstream.

And then Covid kicked off, and suddenly it was like we were being plunged into a world were being happy wasn’t allowed.

(Not that I’m comparing a global pandemic to the 1944 genocide of the Crimean Peninsular, both are/were terrible.)

Stuck at home, everyone took to bombarding social media with photos of their baking and back-garden boozing (often at the same time).

And, like the song, it quickly became very old.

But while we all stayed at home and kept our distance, our front line workers in industry and health care continued to press on tirelessly, whilst scientists around the world battled to find solutions to this global pandemic.

And, for the most part, the UK government was like this:

And self-employed / small businesses were lobbying for the easing of restrictions, like…

And young people with buggered-up A-Levels and university studies were like…

But as far as Boris Johnson’s public ratings were concerned…

(Coupled with a bit of…)

It wasn’t all doom and gloom. Initially, we were allowed to go out more than once a day and countryside walks were back on. Mind, the British summer though…

Then the pubs started opening up again, shops welcoming customers. For a (short) period even international travel was back on. Happy days!

And then we c**ped it up again.

Nil-points. Ah well, back to restrictions and excessive handwashing it is.

Still, they couldn’t stop us dreaming of a world free of limitations.

Even if some of those dreams were a tad surreal.

And others more nightmarish.

But with vaccine rollouts now taking place in many countries around the world, and shows like Eurovision being staged, it serves as an important reminder that we will get through this hardship. The show must go on!

Reminds me, I better dust off some of my unworn dresses from the back of the wardrobe.

But most importantly. BRING ME MY FRIENDS, BRING ME THE CHEESE AND BRING. ME. THE. PARTY!!

TUNE!!!

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