Cheers To The Happy Couple

For the lockdown marriage of one of my mates (remember Woman on The Verge of a Birthday¬†Breakdown?) the groom’s sister asked everyone to record a video message to send to the happy couple.

“Sure!” I thought, “this’ll be easy. I can be classy and endearing at the same time, that’s totally me!”

Then again, this is also me:

Several glasses of prosecco down (you’ve got to get into the party vibes with this sort of thing), I set up my phone and filmed this.

“I mean, it’s something,” I mused whilst watching it back. “Not sure what that something is, but it’s that. Hmm, maybe I’ll do a second take, just in case.”

And then the cat came along…

It was a tough call between the two but ultimately I knew which one I was going to send over.

Yes, I sent the cat video.

(Jess, I hope you and Dave had a lovely wedding day. See you on the other side when we can properly celebrate. x)

**

Please support unpaid writers, like me, by donating to my funding page:

Buy Me A Coffee

**

Stranger Things Have Happened

For anyone thinking things only got weird in March 2020, here is a street performer in Exeter I filmed a week prior to the first lockdown in Britain.

Ye-ep.

Still, could be worse…

**

This isn’t a sponsored post. Support an unpaid writer like me by donating to my funding page: Buy Me A Coffee

**

Be More Lewis

I found this old video clip on my phone, recorded off an episode of the Channel Four docu-dating show The Undateables.

For those less familiar, the show helps people with disabilities find romance (those who tend to struggle through traditional methods). I hate the title of the show, but like its delivery.

Even though I recorded it back in early March 2020, prior to the C word kicking off, re-watching it cheered me up. So wonderfully British.

I think we all need a bit of a Lewis perspective in our lives.

**

This isn’t a sponsored post. Support an unpaid writer like me by donating to my funding page: Buy Me A Coffee

**

Have a Merry (Nicolas Cage and/or Lobster Themed) Christmas!

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year to everyone who reads MHAM. regardless of faith, 2020 has been a rough year for absolutely everyone, I wish you all a peaceful time with family and chocolate and Nicolas Cage.

(Things may be terrible, but now they’re terribly wonderful.)

Oh, here’s also a highly relatable photo I took of a shop window from three years back (I’m going to guess it was Ted Baker).

So go on, stuff your face with lobster too. You’re welcome again, have it on me (the enjoyment of the photo that is, I’m not a free-for-all lobster bar or anything).

I’ll be back with new content in the new year. In the meantime, there’s always my Contents of wonderful blog posts with plenty of material dating right back to 2014! (Alright, no need to roll your eyes.)

**

This isn’t a sponsored post. Support an unpaid writer like me by donating to my funding page: Buy Me A Coffee

**

2020 Christmas, The Cobbled Together Edit

It’s beginning to look like a Christmas coffee-shop, evvverywhere you go…

Right, so this is a thing I do every Christmas. Granted, I’m usually doing it from the comfort of my own home or a toasty coffee shop someplace, but this year I find myself typing away amidst a heated debate over the economic and infrastructural viability of electric vehicles by 2030. What can I say, my family know to get into the festive spirit (I give it 5 minutes before Mumma B throws in the inevitable “but where will I be able to have a sit down coffee?” into the mix).

In between lockdowns, childhood-living throwbacks (I’m now 28…) and a cat that’s perpetually shoving her bum in my face, I’ve managed to squeeze in a couple of socially distanced trips out and about.

Now, I wasn’t too sure if I’d find the same level of high-quality merchandise as in previous years but oh no, the British high street really has not disappointed! With shops in England not reopening until 2nd December (after a month of enforced closure), I’ve come back into a world where it literally feels like a Christmas bomb has gone off.

I’ve also been busy celebrating my annual fire and cake day.

All things considered, this 2020 Christmas post is gonna make like it’s nature-sake and try and pull together something half-decent in the face of something totally pants.

2020 Christmas, The Cobbled Together Edit

(The cat made me do it.)

First, this inspired piece:

Hmm, getting disturbing flashbacks from my childhood. Can’t begin to think why…

Anyway, with that surreal moment out of the way, the only way is up! Mind, this woman would probably disagree; in her life things in life aren’t going up at all…

…but then she’s trapped in a TV box selling screen sponges. Unsurprising spoilers, I watched her try to sell me one for far too long.

Thing is, often there’s no point in trying to pitch TV channel cr*p to me. Oh no, this lady likes her products to come via the far East. Why? Well for one significantly cheaper and two, I like the way they tell you straight exactly what it is you’re buying.

For the benefit of doubt, it’s an electrical facial cleansing device.

Facial Cleansing Brush Devices Electric Face Cleanser Silicone Waterproof Vibrating  Face Skin Pore Deep Washing Massage Brush|Powered Facial Cleansing Devices|  - AliExpress

Still waiting on getting the same levels of satisfaction as this woman (“I’ll have what she’s having”).

Reindeers seem to be in this season (I know, proper shocker there) and with it there are plenty of very tasteful items one can buy. Take for example this ornament, with bothersome proportions.

I wondered whether it was in part due to its country of manufacture, Mumma B had a slight go at me and I shoved the ornament in her face. Now, it’s debatable whether the strength of my argument won out, or the aggression of me shoving a lump of metal into her personal space, but she caved in and agreed with me.

You can also buy his and hers reindeer decorations, with his a little more battle worn than hers.

Moral of the story? Don’t try it on with identical twins, even if you are all glitter and sparkles.

More joy for these two…

At ¬£130 each, I think we best leave them to it. Don’t see either of them heading off anytime soon.

I decided a little while back to turn a blind eye to certain things (around the time I discovered even the social distancing signs couldn’t keep a social distance).

Either way, this guy isn’t taking any chances.

Elastic strap over the eye is a new one but can’t say I blame them. It’s a look.

If you ask me, these puddings on legs should exercise social distancing every year. They may look cute, but with faces like that you just know they’re the type to feature in a Christmas-themed slasher movie.

Whoops! Accidental selfie!

At least I’m sticking to the rules…oh hey! There’s a mystic snail over here! Tell me something insightful mystic snail.

So, unsurprisingly I’d been around the shops for a little while by this point and it was starting to show. Also no closer to discovering that special something for the ones I love (the mystic snail was no help at all).

(“Ma! They’ve got oven gloves!”)

So I decided to stop out for another hot drink. Well, it had been an hour since the last one and this coffee shop was incredibly accommodating of the need to keep people a safe distance apart.

I tell you what, I could get very used to this idea of having a whole coffee shop to myself.

Five trillion hours later, I’d consumed enough caffeine to bust moves like this:

Taking the time out reminded me the true spirit of the festive season. That’s right, religious toast.

I tried explaining the Christmas story to Squeak the cat, but again I think the sentiment was somewhat lost on her.

“What the fudge y’all doing with these fabric samples anyway?”

Still, better reaction than her sulky brother, who seems to think he’s the main present this year.

Back to present shopping, this:

Exactly, couldn’t think of a tag line either.

Also, I’m pretty sure I had a dream featuring this.

Christmas polar bear in a chimney(?), drinking flashing beer and yelling at me “SWITCH ON MY LIGHTS!”? Yep, seems pretty normal to me. About as normal as being confronted with this whilst stood in the till point queue.

Hi there…can I help you with something? (Why isn’t this queue moving quicker already?)

If there’s one thing I’ve come across in recent weeks that perfectly sums up the sentiment around this year, it’s this ornament:

Yep, it has certainly been different to the usual, but it’s time to rocket 2020 up into the clouds and into space. When all is said and done, no one will ever want to remember or revisit this year, let alone hang it on their trees. I mean, what nutter would be seen dead buying up quantities of these?

“Mum! Do you think these are included in the three for two offer?”

Cheeky Bennett Bonus!

Over the course of writing this post, Squeak the cat formed a strong liking of the Bongo Cat YouTube channel. As cute as this sounds, her wanting a front row seat created a number of challenges in terms of the whole getting anything done.

Bongo Cat Beebo (channel creator) or BTS, if you are listening my cat wanted me to say she’s a massive fan.

**

This isn’t a sponsored post. Support an unpaid writer like me by donating to my funding page: Buy Me A Coffee

**

A Very 2020 Take on the 1974 UK General Election

While the rest of the country flipped out over Covid for the billionth time that year, my sister and I chose to spend one particular Saturday night watching the high-quality coverage of the 1974 General Election.

No, I’m not joking.

One day we’ll look back on things like this and go, “yes, we really were living life to the best when in our 20s.”

(By the way, we shouted “PHONE!” When the phone was heard ringing in the studio. It’s not quite audible on the playback and I’d hate my reputation to be damaged by this one element.)

Spoilers: Harold Wilson of the Labour Part won a majority of three seats and took over from Ted Heath’s Conservative-led government (I may have Googled that – even I couldn’t face staying up until 12:45am).

**

This isn’t a sponsored post. Support an unpaid writer like me by donating to my funding page: Buy Me A Coffee

**

Born on This Day: Lin Biao, Deputy Chairman of the Chinese Communist Party

Happy birthday Lin Biao! Born 5th December 1907

Lin Biao was the Deputy Chairman of the Chinese Communist Party from 1966 until 1971 and was instrumental in laying the foundations for Mao Zedong’s Cult of Personality (fuelled by “The Little Red Book”). This Cult became a dominant feature underpinning the Cultural Revolution of 1966-76.

Ironically, the Cult and Lin’s subsequent rise in power deeply unsettled Chairman Mao, in fact Lin would later face severe criticism from within the ruling Communist Party for being the sole cause behind the reckless cultural destruction inflicted by the youthful Red Army in the 1960s.

By 1971 Lin had fallen from favour, putting him and close supporters at risk. After an alleged assassination attempt on Mao failed, Lin was in the process of fleeing China that same year when his plane crashed just off the Russian border, killing all those on board (including his family). It was reported nationally at the time that this was due to his plane running out of fuel, however due to the nature of Lin’s political decline and the secrecy of the Communist state, the true cause of death is still speculated to this day.

Huh, now we know. So, tune in next year for another edition of “Born on this Day”!

(Oh, and happy birthday to me too.)

**

This isn’t a sponsored post. Support an unpaid writer like me by donating to my funding page: Buy Me A Coffee

**

Woman on The Verge of a Birthday Breakdown

Another novelty of lockdown – birthdays aren’t going ahead in the traditional way, so as part of a collective project I recorded a short video to celebrate my mate turning another year older.

Well, at least that was the plan. In reality, it was on a to-do list which I may have have let slip until the last minute, when it became a 1am scramble to get filmed. Which is inevitable when you get this:

Now, even though it was stupid o’clock in the morning, I felt strongly possessed to rerecord my message, again, and again…and again. Eight attempts later, I STILL was after another the perfect VT.

“I know! My background is too plain!” I exclaimed.

Initial hurdle, I don’t have any of those fancy bookcases the boffins on TV tend to have.

Must…promote company, but must also…show off intellectual status! Argh!
Ooh, a man with TWO Oxford dictionaries!

However, I thought I’d try something similar. Presently I don’t own many of the classics, over than those Dick King Smith story books from when I was a kid and The Victorian Celebration of Death. What can I say? I’m a girl of extremes.

Knowing that both wouldn’t really set a great tone (“Happy Birthday!! Did you know the Victorian aspiration wasn’t necessarily to save up for a nice house or clothes? Nah, it was to have a super expensive tombstone carved out and a burial plot decided on whilst still alive. Coincidentally, the male life expectancy was 40 so, you know…chop-chop.”)

Exactly…couldn’t fit that on any greetings card.

In the end I went for this:

Did you see it? You may need to re-watch the video a few times to spot the subtle message, it’s quite well hidden on my headboard. I went and sent that one over.

So yeah, I think that’s done the job in reassuring my mate in her ability to select friends.

(Oh, before I forget, I actually did write-up a five minute review on that book. Check it out…or not. It’s a free country, I’m not your mother.)

**

This isn’t a sponsored post. Support an unpaid writer like me by donating to my funding page: Buy Me A Coffee

**

Be Right Back – Quick Update

For those not already aware, I’ve been pretty rough of late.

Quick update, I seem to have turned into a floating head.

I suppose anything that gets me one step closer to forming a tribute act to Talking Heads…

Jokes aside, things are still very on/off. Moved onto new antibiotics on Thursday and I’m holding out on those to sort me out which should take a couple of weeks. I’m also on strong pain meds, probably why you might find me posting things like this:

My stomach is swollen up and burnt to shreds from the hot water bottle, but nobody wants to see that (including myself). It also means I can’t drink alcohol while on this medications OR COFFEE* (*on the particularly bad days).

I’m aware that to an outsider perspective this might look like me adopting Kerry Mucklowe levels of melodrama…

…But if you genuinely want you to know why I’m not responding to your emails or texts or anything else, that’s why. It’s not you, it’s really all down to me. Well, and Squeaky the cat.

I put her as acting secretariat but as expected, she’s a cat.

The times I feel more myself, I hurriedly blogging future posts/writing Christmas cards/doing human things, as well as the full-time job.

So please and thanks for bearing with me. x

**

Oh, and I’ve had a few questions about why I’m so rough. High-level summary; cut in my arm didn’t get bandaged correctly, so that got infected. Plus complications with a routine procedure so more infection! (It took 5 weeks to get a formal diagnosis which is never ideal, especially when you’re being told to take painkillers and see how it goes. But hey, it’s in the past now. Totally over it…totally.)

**

This isn’t a sponsored post. Support an unpaid writer like me by donating to my funding page: Buy Me A Coffee

**

UK Christmas TV Adverts 2020

This post has been sparked off my Mumma B, who only the other day asked me about this year’s John Lewis Christmas advert.

The thing is, she comments about the lack of visibility, but at the same time records everything on her YouView box purposely to skip all the adverts. You see the dilemma here?

Basically I’m posting all the Christmas adverts for the main UK players so that my mum can see them in one place (and once only).

I’ll add to the list as and when any additional companies release theirs (please do also poke me with a metaphorical stick in the comments). Otherwise lets get to it! In no particular order…

UK Christmas TV Adverts (2020)

John Lewis / Waitrose Supermarket

Aldi Supermarket

Lidl Supermarket

Walkers Crisps

McDonald’s

TK Maxx

Argos

Barbour

Very.co.uk

Amazon

Tesco Supermarket

Asda Supermarket

Morrisons Supermarket

Sainsburys Supermarket

Boots

Lego

Dreamies Cat Treats

M&S Food

Disney

Coca-Cola

JD

Ralph Lauren

(Disclaimer: All videos above have been lifted from YouTube via the URL. I don’t own any part of these videos.)

**

This isn’t a sponsored post. Support an unpaid writer like me by donating to my funding page: Buy Me A Coffee

**