If you guys know me, you’ll know I like to write a letter or two, or three…mostly after an unhealthy amount of tea.
So I was going through a mountain of post and, in amongst all the junk, there was this:
Call me intrigued. Also semi expecting it to be Neil (I think his name was Neil), from the Petemoor community football club asking me for money again, because “Tom” hadn’t paid his annual subscription fees. Addressing a hand-written note to “the householder”, that is such a Neil thing to do. He knows “Tom” doesn’t live here, I’ve told him twice already. He’s playing a very, VERY long game to try to get to me.
Telephone calls go like this, “Neil, Tom doesn’t live here. I’m not Tom. Uh-huh, thanks.” End scene. (almost five years and this is the extent of our flirty chat.)
Yeah…the letter wasn’t from Neil. It was this:
Jehovah’s Witnesses are busy at the moment discussing the Kingdom we pray for (Matt 6:9,10), by writing to our neighbours. We would like you to know that God’s kingdom will undo all the harm that millenious (sp?) of human rule have done. It will provide perfect health, peace and security, meaningfull (sp?) work and a clean environment.
Hopefully, you will want to know more, in which case please get in touch with the above address or visit Jehovah’s Witnesses official website http://www.JW.org.
We hope this letter finds you well.
(I’ve ‘?’ and ‘sp?’ the words I’m not 100% sure on/fairly convinced they’re written with typos.)
There are many questions I have about this letter from the Jehovah’s Witnesses (JW).
Has Daphne been writing letters to everyone in the area, on the street, or just me? How long did Daphne wait on my porch for me to answer the door? Did Daphne scribble this note, hoping that at any moment I’d throw the door wide and yell “come on in, Daphne! I have cake!”? Does Daphne keep a stash of notelet paper on her for times like these?
EDIT (seconds after writing the above), just remembered there was a stamp on the envelope. NOW THERE ARE ONLY MORE QUESTIONS!! How have the JW got my address AND WHY?!
…I don’t think this was the kind of response the JW’s were expecting, or hoping for.
I did enjoy this letter, and I really would love to get more hand written letters. In the interest of open mindedness, I decided to do some additional research before jumping to conclusions.
I browsed multiple videos to refresh me on the fundamentals of JW (most of which I viewed at well-gone midnight, on several glasses of wine, but let’s not dwell heavily on that).
(FYI I struggled to find videos without derogatory titles.I really did try.)
After viewing some clips I’m going to have to say it’s not for me. At the age of 28, I’m still far too attached to my 1990s collection of Beanie Babies to start believing they “make Jehovah sad”. You read the delightful little poems inside the name tags and tell me they make anyone sad. Jehovah must have a heart of stone is all I can say.
Forget about the not celebrating birthdays/Christmas part, the Beanie Babies are a non-negotiable for me. And if you honestly think I’m joking, then my darling friend you really are mistaken.
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Remember the post I did, titled Very Cotswold Problems, #3001? It turns out Mr Maverick Lawn Mowing services (catchy name) liked the video upload, and they liked it a lot.
24 seconds of top-notch video footage of my Mumma B and her lawn mower shed antics and the dude has both liked and subscribed to my YouTube channel (still working on getting them to like the actual blog content).
If that doesn’t scream quality comedy, I don’t know what does.
Hang on…have they liked this just because of my Mum?
Seesh. Anyway, moving on…
UPDATE: Maverick has taken down their comment. Rats.
Now, I’m no super fan, nor am I Scottish-leaning (I’m actually part Welsh. 75% English, but I like to pull the minority card when stuffing my face full of Welsh cakes – “I can’t help it, I’m genetically programmed!”)
Twenty seconds in the old popty microdon and seriously, I’ll do pretty much anything for these sweet babies.
*Deep sigh*, God, I love Welsh cakes.
Sorry, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, football.
I’m not a massive football obsessive, BUT I couldn’t help watch the outcome of tonight’s Euro match of England versus Scotland and be strongly reminded of a series of targeted advertisements that were doing the rounds earlier this week.
All I’m going to do is put this here:
And all I’m going to say is this: hahahahahahahahahaha.
My final thoughts? Pelting both teams with plates of Welsh cakes would have made the match more interesting. (Just sayin’.)
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There is more to the humble spam folder than missed opportunities and utter junk. Exactly, there’s missed junk opportunities!
Ladies and gentleman, may I kindly introduce to you this email…
I admit, it’s not the easiest to read on the photo. Let me detail it below:
HiAeb I am glad to know your demand for the tissue market. We have specialized in providing customized tissues for more than 8 years, and have provided sources of supply for many domestic companies. We are eager to expand channels and we are eager to cooperate with you. Samples will be sent to you for evaluation. Thanks, and best wishes
Ms Luo (General Manager) Chengdu Dixuan Trading Company
I know! Cutomized tissue paper?! Where have these opportunities been in my life? In my spam folder, that’s where!
Oh my, I think I’m getting giddy with all the possibilities. “Expanding my channels” – I can see it now, my face in toilet cubicles up and down the country. No, not the country, THE WORLD!!
I’ll be quite honest with you, I can’t think of anything much better.
Or, I could do as my email provider recommends and just delete the email, or, do nothing and let my email provider automatically delete it for me. (I’ll let you guess which I ended up doing.)
And people say I excited over nothing…oh hey, a shiny bit of foil blowing down the street!
You know that incredibly annoying feeling when your automated electric lawnmower gets trapped in it’s wooden protective hutch after charging and eventually pulls the whole construction clean away while it carries on mowing the lawn? (*Deep breath*)
No? Okay, well here’s a video to clear up the scale of the problem.
Also, before you go telling me I should have stopped filming to help Mumma B out, she was the one yelling at me to hurry up and get my camera. So, you know…
By now pretty much everyone in Europe will be aware that Britain’s entrant for this year’s (2021) Eurovision scored 0 points.
For those who haven’t already seen/heard it…
Compare this to Germany’s entry…
Germany scored 3 points. At the risk of eroding the UK’s diplomatic relations with Europe further, 3 points was plenty.
And before you go all “Alice, you’re from Britain so naturally you’re going to be a sore loser about this” – well, do you remember Daz Sampson? Back from the 2006 Eurovision in Athens?
Let me refresh you.
Daz Sampson was originally part of Uniting Nations, the duo that, in fairness, brought out this one-hit wonder in 2005:
(Side note, was I the only person deeply uncomfortable with the trend to sexualise women in music videos, even back then? Why was this an acceptable thing?!)
Needless to say, the guy knew how to make a club banger.
But when it came to our Eurovision entry, we got this:
Basically the same setup from Out of Touch, but in a school setting, with DJ turnstiles, none of the tune status and, to quote one YouTube comment, “your drunken Dad trying to rap at a wedding.”
This is the edited version, in the XXX director’s cut I’d wager the women get on the desks while Daz fans their awkward dancing with cue cards and revision notes.
I mean, just look at the album artwork.
The wannabe hard guy who peddles drugs at the school gates and then tries it on with the 16 year-olds, even though he’s 45 and still lives with his mum. Tell me I’m wrong.
The best bit? We got 25 points that year, 25! By British scoring standards that’s alright, a fair crack of the whip. So please, please don’t tell me that the 2021 entry is of inferior quality compared to that. Don’t tell me it levels with Britain’s only other nil point entrant from back in 2003.
To quote the article, “will the dynamic duo make it to Eurovision?” Well no, they didn’t.
Ironically, Belarus went for another song called “I’ll teach you” which was itself disqualified on account of it’s heavy political agenda, mocking of the ongoing peaceful protests against recent election results. Lyrics (translated into English) here.
Make of that what you will.
I wonder why the country weren’t prepared to enter Daz’s number?
Honestly, I have no words left to say and a cupboard that’s now chronically low on alcohol.
Having been cooped up for what feels like a lifetime, I was overjoyed to hear that Eurovision is going ahead again this year.
In celebration of this wonderfully cheesy event, here are a selection of songs which could describe the stages of British reactions to Covid (anything to make this a bit more topical).
British Politics, as Told Through the Medium of Eurovision Songs
Before Covid, everything was wonderfully normal and all we had to worry about was accidentally winding up on a date with someone you think is famous, but is actually the Bruno Mars tribute act playing at your best mate’s wedding
That, or the effects of drinking river water contaminated by the chicken farm upstream.
And then Covid kicked off, and suddenly it was like we were being plunged into a world were being happy wasn’t allowed.
Stuck at home, everyone took to bombarding social media with photos of their baking and back-garden boozing (often at the same time).
And, like the song, it quickly became very old.
But while we all stayed at home and kept our distance, our front line workers in industry and health care continued to press on tirelessly, whilst scientists around the world battled to find solutions to this global pandemic.
And, for the most part, the UK government was like this:
And self-employed / small businesses were lobbying for the easing of restrictions, like…
And young people with buggered-up A-Levels and university studies were like…
But as far as Boris Johnson’s public ratings were concerned…
(Coupled with a bit of…)
It wasn’t all doom and gloom. Initially, we were allowed to go out more than once a day and countryside walks were back on. Mind, the British summer though…
Then the pubs started opening up again, shops welcoming customers. For a (short) period even international travel was back on. Happy days!
And then we c**ped it up again.
Nil-points. Ah well, back to restrictions and excessive handwashing it is.
Still, they couldn’t stop us dreaming of a world free of limitations.
Even if some of those dreams were a tad surreal.
And others more nightmarish.
But with vaccine rollouts now taking place in many countries around the world, and shows like Eurovision being staged, it serves as an important reminder that we will get through this hardship. The show must go on!
Reminds me, I better dust off some of my unworn dresses from the back of the wardrobe.
But most importantly. BRING ME MY FRIENDS, BRING ME THE CHEESE AND BRING. ME. THE. PARTY!!