Remember Eurovision’s Daz Sampson?

Saturday was rough. Real rough.

By now pretty much everyone in Europe will be aware that Britain’s entrant for this year’s (2021) Eurovision scored 0 points.

Ye-ep.

For those who haven’t already seen/heard it…

Compare this to Germany’s entry…

Germany scored 3 points. At the risk of eroding the UK’s diplomatic relations with Europe further, 3 points was plenty.

And before you go all “Alice, you’re from Britain so naturally you’re going to be a sore loser about this” – well, do you remember Daz Sampson? Back from the 2006 Eurovision in Athens?

Let me refresh you.

Daz Sampson was originally part of Uniting Nations, the duo that, in fairness, brought out this one-hit wonder in 2005:

(Side note, was I the only person deeply uncomfortable with the trend to sexualise women in music videos, even back then? Why was this an acceptable thing?!)

Needless to say, the guy knew how to make a club banger.

But when it came to our Eurovision entry, we got this:

Basically the same setup from Out of Touch, but in a school setting, with DJ turnstiles, none of the tune status and, to quote one YouTube comment, “your drunken Dad trying to rap at a wedding.”

Dear goodness.

This is the edited version, in the XXX director’s cut I’d wager the women get on the desks while Daz fans their awkward dancing with cue cards and revision notes.

I mean, just look at the album artwork.

The wannabe hard guy who peddles drugs at the school gates and then tries it on with the 16 year-olds, even though he’s 45 and still lives with his mum. Tell me I’m wrong.

The best bit? We got 25 points that year, 25! By British scoring standards that’s alright, a fair crack of the whip. So please, please don’t tell me that the 2021 entry is of inferior quality compared to that. Don’t tell me it levels with Britain’s only other nil point entrant from back in 2003.

Exactly.

And that’s all I’m going to say on the matter.

What has Daz Sampson been up to since Eurovision?

Still trying to get back into Eurovision…by representing Belarus.

To quote the article, “will the dynamic duo make it to Eurovision?” Well no, they didn’t.

Ironically, Belarus went for another song called “I’ll teach you” which was itself disqualified on account of it’s heavy political agenda, mocking of the ongoing peaceful protests against recent election results. Lyrics (translated into English) here.

Make of that what you will.

I wonder why the country weren’t prepared to enter Daz’s number?

Honestly, I have no words left to say and a cupboard that’s now chronically low on alcohol.

Christ.

I’m off to urgently restock.

(If you enjoyed this, you may also like my other Eurovision-themed post РBritish Politics, as Told Through the Medium of Eurovision Songs)

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2020 Christmas, The Cobbled Together Edit

It’s beginning to look like a Christmas coffee-shop, evvverywhere you go…

Right, so this is a thing I do every Christmas. Granted, I’m usually doing it from the comfort of my own home or a toasty coffee shop someplace, but this year I find myself typing away amidst a heated debate over the economic and infrastructural viability of electric vehicles by 2030. What can I say, my family know to get into the festive spirit (I give it 5 minutes before Mumma B throws in the inevitable “but where will I be able to have a sit down coffee?” into the mix).

In between lockdowns, childhood-living throwbacks (I’m now 28…) and a cat that’s perpetually shoving her bum in my face, I’ve managed to squeeze in a couple of socially distanced trips out and about.

Now, I wasn’t too sure if I’d find the same level of high-quality merchandise as in previous years but oh no, the British high street really has not disappointed! With shops in England not reopening until 2nd December (after a month of enforced closure), I’ve come back into a world where it literally feels like a Christmas bomb has gone off.

I’ve also been busy celebrating my annual fire and cake day.

All things considered, this 2020 Christmas post is gonna make like it’s nature-sake and try and pull together something half-decent in the face of something totally pants.

2020 Christmas, The Cobbled Together Edit

(The cat made me do it.)

First, this inspired piece:

Hmm, getting disturbing flashbacks from my childhood. Can’t begin to think why…

Anyway, with that surreal moment out of the way, the only way is up! Mind, this woman would probably disagree; in her life things in life aren’t going up at all…

…but then she’s trapped in a TV box selling screen sponges. Unsurprising spoilers, I watched her try to sell me one for far too long.

Thing is, often there’s no point in trying to pitch TV channel cr*p to me. Oh no, this lady likes her products to come via the far East. Why? Well for one significantly cheaper and two, I like the way they tell you straight exactly what it is you’re buying.

For the benefit of doubt, it’s an electrical facial cleansing device.

Facial Cleansing Brush Devices Electric Face Cleanser Silicone Waterproof Vibrating  Face Skin Pore Deep Washing Massage Brush|Powered Facial Cleansing Devices|  - AliExpress

Still waiting on getting the same levels of satisfaction as this woman (“I’ll have what she’s having”).

Reindeers seem to be in this season (I know, proper shocker there) and with it there are plenty of very tasteful items one can buy. Take for example this ornament, with bothersome proportions.

I wondered whether it was in part due to its country of manufacture, Mumma B had a slight go at me and I shoved the ornament in her face. Now, it’s debatable whether the strength of my argument won out, or the aggression of me shoving a lump of metal into her personal space, but she caved in and agreed with me.

You can also buy his and hers reindeer decorations, with his a little more battle worn than hers.

Moral of the story? Don’t try it on with identical twins, even if you are all glitter and sparkles.

More joy for these two…

At ¬£130 each, I think we best leave them to it. Don’t see either of them heading off anytime soon.

I decided a little while back to turn a blind eye to certain things (around the time I discovered even the social distancing signs couldn’t keep a social distance).

Either way, this guy isn’t taking any chances.

Elastic strap over the eye is a new one but can’t say I blame them. It’s a look.

If you ask me, these puddings on legs should exercise social distancing every year. They may look cute, but with faces like that you just know they’re the type to feature in a Christmas-themed slasher movie.

Whoops! Accidental selfie!

At least I’m sticking to the rules…oh hey! There’s a mystic snail over here! Tell me something insightful mystic snail.

So, unsurprisingly I’d been around the shops for a little while by this point and it was starting to show. Also no closer to discovering that special something for the ones I love (the mystic snail was no help at all).

(“Ma! They’ve got oven gloves!”)

So I decided to stop out for another hot drink. Well, it had been an hour since the last one and this coffee shop was incredibly accommodating of the need to keep people a safe distance apart.

I tell you what, I could get very used to this idea of having a whole coffee shop to myself.

Five trillion hours later, I’d consumed enough caffeine to bust moves like this:

Taking the time out reminded me the true spirit of the festive season. That’s right, religious toast.

I tried explaining the Christmas story to Squeak the cat, but again I think the sentiment was somewhat lost on her.

“What the fudge y’all doing with these fabric samples anyway?”

Still, better reaction than her sulky brother, who seems to think he’s the main present this year.

Back to present shopping, this:

Exactly, couldn’t think of a tag line either.

Also, I’m pretty sure I had a dream featuring this.

Christmas polar bear in a chimney(?), drinking flashing beer and yelling at me “SWITCH ON MY LIGHTS!”? Yep, seems pretty normal to me. About as normal as being confronted with this whilst stood in the till point queue.

Hi there…can I help you with something? (Why isn’t this queue moving quicker already?)

If there’s one thing I’ve come across in recent weeks that perfectly sums up the sentiment around this year, it’s this ornament:

Yep, it has certainly been different to the usual, but it’s time to rocket 2020 up into the clouds and into space. When all is said and done, no one will ever want to remember or revisit this year, let alone hang it on their trees. I mean, what nutter would be seen dead buying up quantities of these?

“Mum! Do you think these are included in the three for two offer?”

Cheeky Bennett Bonus!

Over the course of writing this post, Squeak the cat formed a strong liking of the Bongo Cat YouTube channel. As cute as this sounds, her wanting a front row seat created a number of challenges in terms of the whole getting anything done.

Bongo Cat Beebo (channel creator) or BTS, if you are listening my cat wanted me to say she’s a massive fan.

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