“The Alice Show”

I’ve been going through old video material. Some it used for assorted MHAM posts, others filmed in the moment, yet never used. (Believe it or not, even I have a version of a cutting room floor!)

After conducting an even deeper dig into the Alice archives, I’ve pulled together a compilation video of clips, both seen and unseen. Where possible, I’ve tried to piece together when content was originally filmed and overlay it into each clip. I had more than this, but at 11 minutes long I felt the video was already pushing it beyond the five minutes I’d originally planned (maybe in the future there could be a sequel).

It’s a little bit of a vanity project, but one which I hope some of you may get a chuckle out of.

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Anna Beer on the female greats literature forgot

The evening before seeing historian and author Anna Beer I’m sat at home, drafting a book review. Most of my reviews are for self-published titles, books where authors need the extra push to help them up the rankings. This particular book is a self-help guide for women navigating the menopause. It’s really good, certainly one of the more informed guides I’ve read in recent months. I finish typing my conclusion, knowing I’ll return to this review at least twice more to make edits before uploading it onto Reedsy. In that moment life feels good.

Barely 24 hours later…

“If I have to read another book on the menopause I’ll throw it across the room!”

It’s a statement that says a lot about the personality of this speaker, a strange mix of fire and frustration blended with ease and informality. Anna Beer has made her entrance.

Beer’s newest publication, Eve Bites Back, puts forgotten female authors front and centre of her historical research. Women like Mary Elizabeth Bradon, who wrote Lady Audley’s Secret in 1861-2 as a serialised publication for sixpenny magazines. She wrote the first instalment in just one evening. Such as the power of her words, when her original publisher ceased trading, another stepped in to print the remainder of the book. Bradon was a household name of her time, a literary celebrity, yet for every hundred mentions of her contemporary Charles Dickens, nowadays you will struggle to find one of Bradon.

Beer pauses for breath, taking only the slightest sip of tap water from her glass. The plight of Bradon isn’t the body of Beer’s argument, quite the reverse, the historian is only just warming up.

Bradon’s fate is not only applicable to the female authors of books, Beer argues. Another example, the poet Emilia Lanier (née Aemilia Bassano) also spent a good portion of her life swimming in the same pool as other masterful contemporaries. A 16th Century creative living in London, Lanier would have known fully of the playwright William Shakespeare, it is believed she was even mixing in the same aristocratic circles as him (although less known about whether the pair ever met).

Lanier was 42 years old when she published Salve Deus Rex Judaeorum, a poetry collection highly praised by all genders, even with its undertones many would now regard as feminist leaning. And yet, once again, in the 21st Century relatively little is known of Lanier. Why? Because, Beer argues, Lanier simply didn’t have the same number of influential promoters as Shakespeare.

Beer smiles, one hand gripping the podium, the other pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. She’s hit her stride, that juicy zone when academics become unstoppable, overwhelming charisma tinged by a slight arrogance. They know they’re right and you can’t help but nod along. Beer rattles through woman after woman, their names piling up like endless bodies cast below the stage we sit before. If she carries on at this rate the whole auditorium will be drowned before the hour is finished.

“I must mention Lady Mary Montague,” she adds between breaths, “oh, and someone ask me about Anna Wickham if there’s time!”

Watching her recount all these unknown literary greats, it makes me both proud and embarrassed to be a woman. Society imprinted on me many of Britain’s literary greats, only now am I realising that all of them just so happened to be white men. If anything Beer’s work proves that there were more female authors out there than can be feasibly brushed under the carpet.

The evening draws to a close and with the round of applause comes a sudden longing for a fresh air. The auditorium at the Swindon Arts Centre empties and, not realising quite how hot I’d become inside, I’m relieved to be sucking in a large mouthful of cool spring air.

Within minutes of getting home my laptop is thrown open and a multitude of female names punched into my search engine. The internet crashes momentarily, I hit refresh multiple times, forcing it on until the algorithm finally caves in to my demands. The more I search the more I’m left wanting and by the end of the night I have an Amazon basket filled with books, not one of which written by a man.

To hear Beer talk so energetically on her book Eve Bites Back and wider literary feminism fills me with optimism for what this field of study can offer us all. Knowing that it took Jane Austen twenty years to convert her thoughts into a recognised publication is also enough to keep my own creative aspirations alive. (Although for what it’s worth, I won’t be forwarding Anna Beer a copy of my menopause book review anytime soon.)

Image credit: Wyvern Theatre

Previous Swindon Literary Event write ups from AEB:

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Just Another Car Crash / Day in Swindon

So, this happened the other day…

Admittedly, it’s a bit blurry (you can tell I was overwhelmed). Here’s a better angle:

And the wider surroundings…

It’s a straight road, no immediate bends or turns and yet the car has somehow not only flipped but also spun on its roof.

Current levels of confusion are right up there with that episode of the IT Crowd where Roy tries to work out how a “Sea Parks” arena could catch fire.

Theories on what could have caused this accident to happen are very much welcomed (mash potato reconstruction is likely to happen otherwise.)

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Not Saying I’m a Perfectionist, But…

They say a picture paints a thousand words, I say it paints 999.999…

(Yes, the British cost of unleaded petrol (gas) is indeed hideous.)

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“The Swindon Plaque” says a lot about this English town

This isn’t particularly breaking news, but for those of you who may have missed it (or needed reminding about the wonders of Swindon, the town I live in), may I direct you to our council’s recent attempt to celebrate the district’s invaluable key workers.

Ladies and gentlemen, this plaque:

Have you spotted the mistake? Trick question, the whole thing is a hot mess.

Apparently the Covid 19 pandemic apparently started in 2019…I’m sorry, what?

I’ve heard all manner of conspiracy theories about Covid 19, but the one about it starting a whole year before the start of the UK lockdown? Now that’s something.

The town I live in, the town I pay my council tax to…seesh.

And on that note, I’m off to get myself a very strong cup of coffee.

(Full article can be found here (BBC News). Alternatively search for it online, there’s a lot of high-quality journalism out there.)

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Alice Takes on the Pudding Van

Someone abandoned their catering van on my housing estate. And I was not happy.

Look at it! It’s massive!

Naturally, I applied a very level-headed attitude to this. That’s right, I sent a ranty email to estate management. It went something like this:

WHY IS THERE A MASSIVE CATERING VAN PARKED IN A VISITOR SPACE? I’VE CHECKED THE REGISTRATION PLATE (“XXX XXX” for your reference) AND IT’S NOT TAXED OR INSURED. IT’S UGLY AND CLEARLY BEEN ABANDONNED. I PAY MY MANAGEMENT FEES, SORT IT OUT!

(The caps are a reflection of the shouty voice in my head…I may have also left the last bit out.)

Estate management responded, saying thay they’d located the vehicle’s owner and told them to move it within the next 48 hours.

48 hours came and went, the van unmoved.

I wish I could say I became tolerant of the pudding van’s presence, but when you’re facing onto something like that every time you go to make a cup of tea, it’s very hard to let go. (Plus, you know, me.)

Whilst waiting for the owners to be chased up again, I did a little investigation of myself. By in investigation, I meant be super nosey.

There weren’t any company details on the van and the only online presence seemed to take me back to a deactivated Facebook page, from when it operated out of Pershore some 56 miles away.

Instead of hard, concrete information, I had to deal with statements like this:

It reads: “Feeling stressed? Stressed backwards is desserts”

I don’t know what bothered me most; the font, the words or the fact that it’s annoyingly true. Everything about it grated on me more than the sugary sweetness of the food it claimed to provide.

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Update: I drafted this post in September 2021, however in June 2022 the van disappeared altogether. I assumed it was at local festival but it never came back and I haven’t seen the van since. No idea what has happened but the problem of the Pudding Van seems to have sorted itself!

I’m totally putting it down to my ability to moan, that or my top-notch judgemental stares out the window.

(And as for why I’m not posting this until now…well, I forgot I’d written it.)

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Desperate Times Call for Christmas Measures

You know the feeling, you’re going about with the final touches on a birthday present. You’ve already got the gift (because you’re super organised like that) now all that remains is the wrapping up.

You go to your trusty roll of wrapping paper and, oh…

That amount of paper, well, that was not going to cover the item. Far too…rectangley.

But it’s okay. It’s not as if you’ve spent so much time on the present acquisition part that it’s now 18:30 and in 30 minutes you’re meant to be handing said gift over to friend. No one would be that much of a muppet…

*Cough*

This was around the time my improvise mode kicked in. Five minutes / mad rummage around later, ta-da! Present wrapping sorted!

(We will just ignore the fact that it came out as upside down on the ‘prettier’ facing side.)

I even made and effort and dressed-up the second gift.

*Whispers* It’s Pepsi Max.

There you go, birthday wrapping a-la Alice. Think of it this way, if you waited until the 25th December this would be perfectly normal.

That’s my argument and I’m sticking to it.

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An Earful of ELO and Bitter Tea: Why I Write

What do you picture when you think of the writer? A recluse, working in the half-light of winter or in the sun-kissed parklands of summer? Novel thoughts that flow through dainty calligraphy on tanned pages? Web string ideas that will one day sit proud and hardbacked in Waterstones or Foyles. Half an hour to transpose to pixel, twelve weeks to complete, another month or two for luck.

Ha.

If that’s the vision, let me grace you with the reality, as I find myself propped in a generic coffee shop. The table is scratched as a post, the air sticky and the green chair worn away to the bare threads. There is only one word for it, uninviting. But what does it matter? My leggings are peppered with rips and holes anyway, the stains and the marks, it’ll wash out.

A train goes past, one of those piddly little things that carry children at walking pace, no, slower than that, a snail’s. The driver sounds its electric toot-toot as it crawls by, my right ear left ringing while my left is pumped with coffee grinding and the tinny music of overhead Electric Light Orchestra. The best ambiance £2.25 of tea can buy. I sip the cold fluid with a grimace, bitter and stewed.

It’s gone 18:00, my hair is wet with grease and my young face slightly more etched from another exhaustive day at the office-come-dining table. Eyes swollen, fingers twisted. I worked through lunch, which every psychologist from here to Timbuktu will say is a one-way trip to an early grave, but the extra hour of toil then means an extra hour of freedom now. A fragment of bliss with a half-eye on time. Later, a stranger beckons at my door to collect dusty offcuts from my garage; he won’t negotiate on the timings and I really could do with that £20.

Writers are leather beaters, we take the skin of an idea and scrape, beat and dunk until that piece of flesh returns gold. Sometimes our elbows linger for too long in foul-smelling liquids that the only thing golden is our stained skin, saturated with stench.

Write. Write harder and faster and quicker and smarter and eloquently, until your fingertip pads run smooth and your skin cracks with effort. That’s what writing is. I’d consider myself a very successful woman indeed if I were ever to stumble across my work in a library or charity shop. Maybe that makes me simplistic, or maybe that makes me even more of a dreamer. I scrub my manuscript some more.

I started putting keyboard to laptop in 2014 on little more than a whim and utter boredom, to fill lonely nights in a strange town I barely knew. Eight years later I find myself plagued with a parasitic urge I can barely comprehend. What time is it? When did I last eat? How long before the staff spot my empty cup and kick me to the curb?

I don’t write because I want to, I write because it is an addiction. Leave hollow hope be for there is nothing to be saved.

My colourless eyes glance sideward as the same empty train edges closer once more.

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This piece was kindly sponsored by Ben Miller, who spotted my business card on a noticeboard and commissioned me to write a post on “Why I Write”.

Please sponsor me to keep doing what I love by donating here: Alice’s Funding Page

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“Cleaning-Up the Microwave” (a Chemical Fume-Induced Song)

From the makers of That’s When the Cleaning Fumes Got to Me, I present me, cleaning the microwave with equally questionable methods.

If it’s not the fact I forgot to turn the mircowave off (apparently it’s not safe), it’s the realisation afterwards of the potential effects those fumes were having on me.

But still, at least the microwave is clean now.

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Reactions to “Chicken Con Carne”

Less than an hour after I upload my last post, Alice’s “Chicken Con Carne”, my phone buzzes. Two separate messages, one from Mumma B and the other from brutally honest mate Laura. Wishing we well? Asking what I’m up to? Nope, expressing concern over my grasp of international dialogue and my hands. As you do.

That’s right, I did indeed study Food Technology and the Spanish language at GCSE, with respective grades of A and B (I even won an award for my cooking). Where did it all go wrong? One word, University-catered-halls-of-residence-slash-studying-hard-slash-it-was-around-this-time-I-discovered-GoT-and-daytime-TV.

It gets worse. I visited Mumma B the other day and she’s given me a knife, that is how concerned she is. It must make her the first parent in history to thrust a knife into her daughter’s hand and beg me to take it. She even smuggled it into my handbag when I tried to leave it behind.

(The best bit? The video was recorded months ago. The face on Mumma B when I told her? Priceless.)

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