When six months becomes eleven years: Reflections and farewells to Swindon, the town which shaped me

So, here it is, after eleven eventful years it is finally time to lower the curtain on my time in Swindon.

When I moved to Swindon in August 2014 I knew nothing of the town and its people. Swindon was just a place to work and rest my head, my first job after graduating from university weeks beforehand. Rocking up to my new home, a House of Multiple Occupancy (HMO), I was introduced a colourful array of housemates, including a lady who hated children but wanted to be a teacher, a reclusive journalist with a dark interest in knife crime and, of course, a woman who dressed up as a mermaid on the weekends. In the summer of 2014 I had no expectation I’d be in Swindon much longer than nine months, tops.

That was the plan.

In July 2014 I was excited for what I anticipated to be a long and fruitful career in the Heritage sector.

On November 11 2014 a random thought struck me while I was deciding between which brand of toilet roll to purchase. I messaged my housemate to ask her if I could title a website around her career as a mermaid actress. Had I not decided to rent that room, in that house, in that town, or had Becki said no then who knows if I would have ever started a blog. My first post, “The Birth of the Grimgrad”, had all the positivity and excitement of someone making their first steps in the real world while also making a throwaway reference to military activity in Ukraine. Hindsight is cheap.

Started at the bottom, now we’re here: the first post on MHAM and my “hello!” to the world.

Months turned into years. The fixed-term job was extended, then made permanent. The permanent contract was the final piece of the stability puzzle and by the Spring of 2017 I had my foot on the ladder and bought a house…the house next door to the one I rented. There is a whole series I did at the time on the process, “The First Time Buyer Diaries”. I scanned through it a year or two ago and can confirm the writing quality is all very much true to brand for a hobbyist, with the hideous lack of editing that comes with it. One day I might do something more with it, in the same way there’s a whole drawer of clutter I have been meaning to sort out since 2015.

Nothing can compare to the first evening after I got the keys, blasting B*Witched on max volume whilst running up and down the stairs and screaming with joy. Why? Because no one could stop me.

Also in 2017 I entered the world of Financial Services. For two and a half years I found my flow, bouncing between Swindon and the City of London, being single, in a relationship and then single again. Never staying in one place for too long. Swindon though, Swindon was always there, the constant in my life kept pulling me back (and never being quite sure why). Sure, my time in London was fun and exciting, but Swindon was chill, a non-descript place and the driveway where I parked my car.

When the pandemic happened I did the same as many others the world over and headed back to my family home for what I thought was going to be a couple of weeks. As we all know, things ended up lasting longer and by the end of it there had been a revolutionary shift in what it meant to be an” office worker”. I often wonder how things would be now had the events of 2020 not taken place.

January 2020 was a perfectly normal month. Visiting London, there was no hint at what was to come.

When I fully returned in 2021 Swindon was not the same town. Yes, the buildings were there, as was the job and the office I’d been attached to, but things were different. The friends I’d had, forged over coffee catch ups in the office and midweek meetups, they’d all gone. They were still accessible via WhatsApp or social media but in the few years we’d been apart they’d all either moved elsewhere or moved on. That is what angered me about Covid-19, that alongside everything else it robbed me of those precious years when we were all carefree and geographically close. At the very start of 2022 I left the company and moved to another Financial Services provider.

2020 was a strange year for everyone.

In early 2022, 7.5 years after moving to Swindon (and 7 years longer than planned) I met Ben. There isn’t much I can say of this man beyond what he already knows and what would be considered terribly cliché, but meeting him was the single best reason for remaining in Swindon. To keep the story simple, we both happened to meet each other at the right time in our lives, with me making the first move. “I see you like cooking. I routinely burn carrots to the bottom of saucepans, is that going to be an issue?” (Thankfully it was not.)

Love is being able to smile through 22 hours of jet lag and sleep deprivation. (New York, September 2024.)

The weeks and months rolled on. A lot of dramatic stuff happened, a lot on undramatic stuff happened. I visited the high street less frequently and, when I did go, I only felt pity for what was once there before. Swindon’s town centre had once been a place of comfort and choice for me, but now it felt like a landscape of coldness and desertion. My friends had gone, the excitement had emptied, my attachment to the town had fizzled away to flecks at the bottom of a barrel. When Ben moved in with me in the autumn of 2024, that was when we started to reflect on the future and by Christmas of that year my house was on the market.

The moment things got exciting.

I won’t bore you with all the details surrounding the sale of my Swindon house (and the stresses that came with it). Very long story short, my Swindon house sold and a new house was bought. In July 2025 we packed the final items into the back of a removal truck and I locked the door for the last time on the three-bed mid-terrace, my first home.

The moment things got real. With only a few days between exchange and completion, the last week in Swindon was a blur.

The days leading up to the event had been so busy, a flurry of packing and telephone calls, there was barely the time to process what was going on around me. As I sat in the car I was suddenly hit with reality. This was the street I’d lived on for eleven years and now I was leaving it for good.

Raw emotion took hold as I made that last and final car trip out of the town, a one-woman parade of mourning in the pouring rain. While driving silently along that familiar route of mini roundabouts someone cut in front of me and I couldn’t help but let out a chuckle between the tears. Swindon’s drivers always were a law unto themselves, they were giving me a send-off in their own special way.

“Thanks for the memories” – the final outing to my favourite indie coffee shop in Swindon.

Swindon will always hold a special place in my heart. Eleven years of crazy highs and unbelievable lows has taught me so much about myself and, when I look back at some of the things I posted in Swindon I genuinely think myself as lucky that I didn’t “blow up the internet”.

I don’t think I truly planned in my head how emotional moving day would be.

As I type this, somewhere far outside Swindon, I can look out the window of my new office and smile. Smile because Ben is in the garden, dragging out some kind of half-dead rose bush that he’s had his eyes on since our first viewing of the house, smile because the birds are singing and smile to myself at all the Swindon memories that led me to this very spot.

A bittersweet photo after receiving confirmation on the sale of the Swindon house.

Swindon has been an utter, life-shaping, blast. Now it is time for it to shape a new type of hapless, coffee-spilling graduate. She’ll be easy to spot, just lookout for the weirdo intently studying the ply thickness of toilet roll on a weekday evening. Find her and tell her I said hi.

AEB x

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My Housemate’s a Mermaid – THE PODCAST

Another one from deep within the MHAM draft posts that never made it to air…until now.

Back in 2021…

I was thinking to myself the other day “you know what? There aren’t enough podcasts in the world. And golly, there sure as heck aren’t enough opinions being shared around. I should do something to rectify this immediately!”

Or, alternatively, I saw an advert for the free podcasting creator, Anchor, and thought I’d give it a shot.

Several coffees later and some playing about with low-budget graphics and ta-da! A podcast was born:

(Before you say anything, I really cannot stress the low budget-ness of this production. Low budget in the sense there is none.)

Who knows what will become of this, but basically it’s me talking to myself for up to half an hour and in episode one I talk about what lead me to start writing a blog. If you enjoy the concept of a one-woman natter then you’re in for a right royal treat.

I honestly could not be selling this venture harder if I tried. It’s just something I’m giving a go at for a bit of fun.

“My Housemate’s a Mermaid – The Podcast” available on Spotify

Jumping back to 2025…

Surprise, surprise, it didn’t catch on and after forcing myself through four recordings I stopped podcasting and went back to pure writing. I think as much as anything it was the realisation that podcasting with free software is difficult (in that I found the free to use software incredibly limiting and of overall poor production value).

I’m currently in the process of getting the original recordings saved (would you believe it, the platform appears to give podcast owners no access to downloading their own work once published).

For now, enjoy the bittersweet car crash that was the MHAM podcast and who knows, maybe I’ll revive it one day on better terms.

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This bin has an interesting description

Mumma B takes full credit for finding this on her eBay travels.

The listing has long since vanished, although strangely I was able to access the link via my mobile, but not laptop (so go figure).

It’s admittedly a bit of a lengthy description, so I’ve picked out the highlights. Sections have been removed for brevity but everything marked in quotes is word-for-word lifted from the original description.

 

Plastic Recycle Bin & Lid 25L/50L Rubbish Dustbin Kitchen Garden Waste New 2022

This product is very inexpensive and light in weight.

I think this product can bring a fun way of putting in the necessary things. Attractive and Beautiful both aspects of this Flap Lid Recycle Bin bring happiness to the eyes. There are some people who will find this ecstatic.
Above all, it is said that people tend to remember only 10-20% of what they see and hear. Moreover, that number rises to as much as 90% when they see something unique.


On the contrary, I must say that this is the ultimate final product if you are looking for something big because Flap Lid Recycle Bin is for your interior decoration because this is the best.
This product is designed for the British Aesthetic looks and Cultural aspects.
It can be used in your Drawing rooms and Lounges because it adds beauty to it.

Wait, there's more!

RETURNS AND REFUND POLICY

Goods received back complete as NEW and unused and in original box and packaging including all accessories and in a re-sellable condition: You will be refunded the full invoice amount less cost of delivery.

Goods received back not in a re-sellable condition: We are unable to accept these back under the above terms and the goods will be returned back to you and the cost of delivery charged to you.

Goods received back complete as NEW and unused and in original box and packaging including all accessories and in a re-sellable condition: Goods will not be accepted back if they are not in a resellable condition.

In case you weren't sure

RETURNS:

Goods must be returned ‘AS SOLD’ in the original packaging complete ‘AS NEW’.

Goods must be complete, unused, and in ‘AS NEW’ condition (eg if you have opened the box to examine the product it must have been done so without damaging the box and packaging or damaging the product in any way) and must be re-packaged as received.

Payment information is sponsored by the upper case

PAYMENT:

We Aim to Dispatch All Orders Within 24 Hours Of Cleared Payments

(Please Note Orders Placed On Friday, Saturday And Sunday Can Only Be Given To Carriers On Monday As They Do Not Pick Up Over Weekends)

And as for customer service...

SERVICE:

Our aim is to provide Top Level Customer Service, normally so we will try our best to solve any problem.

 

So there you have it. It is said that people tend to remember only 10-20% of what they see and hear, moreover, that number rises to as much as 90% when they see something unique.

It is probably why no one ever remembers anything from my website.

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Alice Takes on the Pudding Van

Someone abandoned their catering van on my housing estate. And I was not happy.

Look at it! It’s massive!

Naturally, I applied a very level-headed attitude to this. That’s right, I sent a ranty email to estate management. It went something like this:

WHY IS THERE A MASSIVE CATERING VAN PARKED IN A VISITOR SPACE? I’VE CHECKED THE REGISTRATION PLATE (“XXX XXX” for your reference) AND IT’S NOT TAXED OR INSURED. IT’S UGLY AND CLEARLY BEEN ABANDONNED. I PAY MY MANAGEMENT FEES, SORT IT OUT!

(The caps are a reflection of the shouty voice in my head…I may have also left the last bit out.)

Estate management responded, saying thay they’d located the vehicle’s owner and told them to move it within the next 48 hours.

48 hours came and went, the van unmoved.

I wish I could say I became tolerant of the pudding van’s presence, but when you’re facing onto something like that every time you go to make a cup of tea, it’s very hard to let go. (Plus, you know, me.)

Whilst waiting for the owners to be chased up again, I did a little investigation of myself. By in investigation, I meant be super nosey.

There weren’t any company details on the van and the only online presence seemed to take me back to a deactivated Facebook page, from when it operated out of Pershore some 56 miles away.

Instead of hard, concrete information, I had to deal with statements like this:

It reads: “Feeling stressed? Stressed backwards is desserts”

I don’t know what bothered me most; the font, the words or the fact that it’s annoyingly true. Everything about it grated on me more than the sugary sweetness of the food it claimed to provide.

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Update: I drafted this post in September 2021, however in June 2022 the van disappeared altogether. I assumed it was at local festival but it never came back and I haven’t seen the van since. No idea what has happened but the problem of the Pudding Van seems to have sorted itself!

I’m totally putting it down to my ability to moan, that or my top-notch judgemental stares out the window.

(And as for why I’m not posting this until now…well, I forgot I’d written it.)

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“Cleaning-Up the Microwave” (a Chemical Fume-Induced Song)

From the makers of That’s When the Cleaning Fumes Got to Me, I present me, cleaning the microwave with equally questionable methods.

If it’s not the fact I forgot to turn the mircowave off (apparently it’s not safe), it’s the realisation afterwards of the potential effects those fumes were having on me.

But still, at least the microwave is clean now.

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An Investment Opportunity

And let me tell you, this house does not disappoint.

A perfectly unassuming two-bed Vicorian terrace property on the market for £60,000. As of Feb 2022, other properies on the same street are up for c. £170,000, so this really is a postcode-bargain.

And, if you were just to look at the single photo on the main listing that’s were it would end. Click on the link titled “Video tour” though and things get interesting…

Sure, the front living room is a little messy, more a hommage to the 1970s, but nothing I haven’t seen before (I would know, I own a sunburst clock).

Then you move to the dining room.

If anything so far has been disturbing you better stop reading.

This, this is the kitchen.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Then there’s the ajoining bathroom.

Upstairs you’ve got a table because why not?

And as far as the master bedroom goes it’s just more of the same.

Stairway is in a decent state, just need redecorating.

There you go. A two-bedroomed terraced property in Swindon, yours for as little as £60,000 (subject to auction room bidding). Do I have any takers?

Full credit to Mumma B for discovering this listing and sharing it with me. Link to the full property details: https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/119204489#/?channel=RES_BUY

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I’ve Been “Cooking” Again

Recently got the kitchen done = no oven for two weeks = several takeouts and a trillion microwave meals.

Now, you guys all know how horrific my life choices can be when I set my mind to it? Well this, this shows one of those in action. Behold, me deomonstrating how to prepare one of my signature classics, “East Meets West”.

An absolute culinary pro from start to finish.

Next question, who’s coming over to mine for seconds?

(Ps, if you’re after more kitchen inspiration, here’s the link to my stodge dinner recipe.)

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Alice’s Signature “Three Ingredient” Cooking (Alias “Stodge Dinner”)

A couple of videos that showcase just the level of my culinary abilities. I’d caveat it with something like, “it had been a long day in the office and/or it was 23:00 in the evening”, but it wasn’t. It was 19:00 and it was me, being me.

Part One – Preparation and Cooking

Part Two – Finishing Touches and the Taste Test

Oh, and here is the pastry I mentioned in the video, the free one.

I think it was a citrus tart. It tasted of lemons. It was going out of date that day, so someone came up to me and asked if I wanted it. Five days after said expiry date, I ate it (because that’s the kind of classy girl I am).

So, who wants to hire me as their private chef?

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That’s When the Cleaning Fumes Got to Me

You know how it is. It’s a Friday night, you’re a single woman with the world at your fingertips and anything is possible. You could go out, let your hair down or…you could stay in and give your kitchen a deep clean.

Thing is, I’m not even embarrassed to admit this. In the same way I’m not at all ashamed to say the only bottles this girl was demolishing the other night were these:

(Obviously in non-drinking, sense. Please don’t call 111.)

With cleaning plans firmly lodged in my head, I changed out of my dress and put on a black vest, thus transforming me into a low-budget search engine result for “contemporary dancer near me”.

(No refunds for crimes against the aeroplane dance move.)

First item in my line of cleaning sight (yes, this was genuinely how I spent my Friday night), the fridge. Breaking this mighty deliverable down into smaller, manageable, chunks (who said bringing the day job into personal life isn’t exotic?), I went for the bottom drawer first.

This was followed by a healthy amount of neighbour stalking / Alice rambling (feat. actual cleaning).

Several hours later, and after inhaling quite a considerable about of cleaning fumes in a confined space, this happened.

I’m not going to explain nor apologise. I sent it to my close friends and the responses speak for themselves.

So that’s how I spent my crazy Friday night, what about you?

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Deleted MHAM Posts From the Cutting Room Floor

Some of the photos and posts that I wanted to write for My Housemate’s a Mermaid, but didn’t quite have enough material (pictorial and verbal) to fill.

Deleted MHAM Posts From the Cutting Room Floor

  1. The time how, at the start of the pandemic, Mumma B spent hours cutting squares of old fabric to make laundry bags for NHS key workers

2. When I stayed up so late that I ended up watching a much younger Nicky Campbell presenting a Top of the Pops episode from 1990

Some people had more fun than others.

I continued to watch it, even when this was played from the UK top twenty for the week.

3. How very surreal my office was when I went back to empty my locker

4. My sister’s attempts with one of those packet face masks from South Korea

It ripped off a load of skin, but not a lot else.

5. Squeak, the cat, being rebellious

6. The time I saw my old/favourite History lecturer from University on the BBC and I absolutely lost my cool

I mean, WITH LUCY WORSLEY!!

7. The time I found this in a shop and it perked up my mood

(But not enough that I bought it.)

8. The generous gin measures down the local pub

9. The generous measures of lunch portions while living with family

10. The thinking behind this at the Travel Lodge Hotel in York

It was in the foyer for several days…

11. A post detailing the contents of my bookshelf

12. Everything about this account that started following me on Twitter

How did it take you to spot that’s a semi naked woman?

13. A post on me rekindling my creative mojo during the pandemic

14. The importance of good friends who call-out when you have really bad body odour

15. The ‘what the fudge-ness’ of this targeted advert

Yes, I did tap the link and yes, I am still getting adverts for werewolf fan-fiction as a result.

16. Lockdown birthdays

17. The large number of self-published books with Covid themes

18. The other strange things being self-published

Although I am still a bit in love with the title of this book.

19. My attempts to have a massive clear-out

…which were ultimately foiled by a mixture of procrastination / charity shops being closed / Bubble the cat.

So there you go, a snippet of how much gets filtered before making it onto this website. What can I say? You get what you pay for.

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