comedy

“The Alice Show”

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) comedy, Cotswolds, Humor, Humour, Swindon, Travel, Uncategorized, Young Professional , , , , , ,

I’ve been going through old video material. Some it used for assorted MHAM posts, others filmed in the moment, yet never used. (Believe it or not, even I have a version of a cutting room floor!)

After conducting an even deeper dig into the Alice archives, I’ve pulled together a compilation video of clips, both seen and unseen. Where possible, I’ve tried to piece together when content was originally filmed and overlay it into each clip. I had more than this, but at 11 minutes long I felt the video was already pushing it beyond the five minutes I’d originally planned (maybe in the future there could be a sequel).

It’s a little bit of a vanity project, but one which I hope some of you may get a chuckle out of.

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What is going on with Jus-Rol’s cinnamon swirls / rolls?

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Baking, British, comedy, food, Humor, Humour, Review, Uncategorized , , , , , ,

2026 update: See also Jus-Rol will not get the hint on their cinnamon swirls / rolls

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After battling a mouthful of disappointment, I just wanted to highlight how much of a travesty Jus-Rol‘s cinnamon swirls rebrand is.

In the simplest of terms, it’s awful.

For those less aware of its previous incarnations, Jus-Rol’s cinnamon swirls is a ready-to-bake product. What it offers to the market is something straightforward and quick, providing the same results of freshy made pastry, without the time and stress needed to make a batch from scratch.

To quote Jus-Rol’s website:

“Jus-Rol’s ready to bake Cinnamon Swirls are a perfectly easy way to bake your family a tasty morning treat at home. Just shape, bake and enjoy warm from the oven. The aroma will fill your kitchen with joy as they bake up.”

https://www.jusrol.co.uk/products/cinnamon-swirls

Making Jus-Rol cinnamon swirls was easy. You took it out of the tube, split the cylinder of pre-filled pastry into six and then whacked it into the oven, cooking for a defined period of time and icing once cooled.

Now the process is several steps longer and ten times worse. Instead of one pot for icing sugar, now you get two, one for the icing sugar and one for the “cinnamon filling” which looks more like chocolate spread and smells of nothing.

Even if we park the creation of needless plastic packaging, it is hard to overlook the messy complexity created by the introduction this modest little pot. Once the filling is smeared across a flat rectangle of raw pastry, the consumer then has to roll the pastry and only then cutting it into six.

Thanks to this step, the cinnamon goes absolutely everywhere. Some pieces were left drowning in brown paste, others with barely a scrap inside. Some swirls were trying to uncurl and others kept oozing.

Turns out whacking them into the oven doesn’t help much either. Cast your mind back to the picture on the Jus-Rol box and compare it to what we got.

While we can all laugh at mis-shaped pastries, it doesn’t compare to how they used to look with the old recipe.

Turns out I’m not the only one disappointed by Jus-Rol’s change in manufacturing. With an average rating of 1.1 at the time of writing, Tesco’s customers are less than impressed.

And the feedback on Jul-Rol’s Facebook page is comical.

Here’s hoping Jus-Rol listen to this feedback on and tossing aside whichever team of dingbats thought it was a good idea to implement cost-cutting, planet harming, changes to a classic.

Have you also experienced this frustration? Drop a comment below and/or contact Jus-Rol’s customer service team via their website, Jus-Rol (jusrol.co.uk)

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Meanwhile, in Alice’s head…

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) comedy, Humor, Humour, Uncategorized ,

Something I came across on the internet that makes absolutely no sense other than afterwards finding out it’s a thing and the cat is apparently called Maxwell.

And, in fairness, it is the most truest of reflections when it comes to what is usually floating around in my head.

Oh, God, what have I gotten myself into? Make it stop!!

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It’s Happened Again!!

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) British, comedy, Humor, Humour, News, shopping, Television, Uncategorized , ,

Following the post I published towards the end of 2022 about a mother opening an Amazon parcel containing boxes of cereal, I have two thing to report.

  1. Amazon have yet to implement a policy forcing people to open parcels on the doorstep (sorry Lizzie)
  2. It’s happened again!

As spotted on a social media platform (for the sake of argument, let’s call said social media platform “Gacebook”):

Image reads: Amazon Warning!!!! I want to make our community aware so this doesn’t happen to anyone else. I ordered an iPad Air of Amazon certified seller and received a pack of cleaning wipes.
Package was tampered with. I managed to grab the driver to return the item. He said he could not change the delivered status. He rung his boss and who said to him, ‘bring the wipes back and we’ll get her sent out an item tomorrow’. Needless to say the iPad never turned up. After several calls to Amazon Customer Services I am still unable to change the status of the delivery to returned until the driver has done so. I know this will not happen. Its currently being investigated by Amazon customer services.

Another instance of someone trying to buy an Apple product, only this time they got duped with surface wipes.

I don’t know why I should be surprised and really it is a terrible thing that people are being unfairly mugged off in such a way, but it still amazed me when I saw it appear on my social media feed.

That, or it could be a sign that I need to get a life.

As a thirty year old, eating blueberry yoghurt from the tub and watching reruns of The Hills I’m going to decline the opportunity to comment. I’d only dig myself into a bigger yoghurt-based hole.

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Seven Degrees of Pie

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) comedy, family, food, Humor, Humour , ,

My birthday card writing skills need no introduction, which is why I present to you my latest iteration for my sister’s birthday. Ladies and gentlemen, I call this “Seven Degrees of Pie”

Let me quickly summarise (as I know the lack of space makes the writing legibility a bit hit and miss in places):

  1. Blueberry pie! Which is as cute looking as…
  2. Kitty pie! Kitty pie sounds as funny to say as…
  3. Pizza pie! Which is orange in colour, like…
  4. Pumpkin pie! This particular pumpkin pie looks like a face, like…
  5. Pacman pie! Pacman pie rushes after tasty treats like…
  6. Pie Face! (the Beano character) Pie Face = …
  7. Pie…on your face. See! The proof is in the pie!

There you have it. My very well thought out logic that one is never more than seven moves from being pied. And just think, I never went to Philosophy school.

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Shin-kicking – a very Cotswold news story

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) British, comedy, Cotswolds, Culture, Humor, Humour, News, Uncategorized , ,

Nothing sums up my experiences growing up than the hype surrounding the “Cotswold Olimpick Games”, an annual summer event that takes place on Dover’s Hill, Gloucestershire.

You, however, might be more familiar with one of the key events that take place during the games, skin-kicking.

Not heard of shin-kicking before? Well have no fear, for this news clip from BBC Points West will explain all in glorious local news fashion.

(Even I was left thinking “what did I just watch?”)

There’s a lot to unpack here in what is almost a 4 minute long video, so let me hit you with what’s going on (my personal highlights are in bold):

  • 00:12 – It’s not a piece of old reel footage unless a random horse suddenly appears
  • 00:29 – What. On. Earth? (I choked on my cup of tea when I first saw this)
  • 00:41 – Local news gets interviewee’s name wrong (#standard)
  • 01:29 – “It’s a part of our heritage that’s nice to keep alive” – in school we were frequently told that it was a stupid sport and told to not do it
  • 01:40 – Already looking considerably more violent than the 1950s version of shin-kicking
  • 02:08 – I genuinely feel a bit sorry for anyone who travels overseas, or makes special effort, to visit the Cotswold Olmpicks. My sister went last year and said it was a load of cr*p
  • 02:35 – Dear Lord, those shin guards! (I couldn’t stop laughing…again). Also, the buttoning up of the suit jacket which I’m guessing is a nervous twitch on the part of the presenter, as if this bloke is seriously going to pelt him
  • 02:44 – “Be careful, because I am a world champion” is a phrase that has probably become very tiresome down Mike’s local pub
  • 02:50 – Demonstration of shin-kicking (otherwise known by Alice’s laugh of “hahahahahaha! This is brilliant, hahaha”)
  • 03:01 – “Do you normally have something down your trousers?”
  • 03:15 – I’m starting to think someone has dared Mike to wear that silly hat
  • 03:35 – The weather presenter completely baffled, like the rest of us, by what he’s just seen

And don’t you worry, as always you’re very much welcome.

Image credit: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-gloucestershire-39538277

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What writing draft zero sounds like, in my head

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Book, comedy, Humour, Uncategorized, Writing , ,

This is what it feels like forcing myself to write words on a blank page. It feels like this property advertisement.

And I’m not talking about the never ending bit. The production value, the forced lyrics, the “what have I just seen?” feeling, quite literally everything about this video can be translated into what writing a draft zero feels like for me.

Oh, and if you are interested in learning more about this house may I direct you to its page on Rightmove (still on the market at the time of writing).

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This Video Will Change Your Life

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) British, comedy, Humor, Humour, Television, Uncategorized , , ,

Ladies and gentleman, Michael Barrymore.

And if not for the video than the comments on the video itself, including:

Now, isn’t your life so much better for watching that video? (Also, don’t answer that question.)

And no, I won’t tell you how I came about this video. And for those of you expecting this to be a video of my sister and/or my giant thumb (based off this post’s feature image…)

…sorry, not sorry.

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Plant Takeaway: the Eden Project Exhibition that still Traumatises me

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) British, comedy, Humor, Humour, Mermaid, Travel, Uncategorized , , ,

Few things have shaped me more than a mechanic exhibition housed in the visitor centre of Cornwall’s world famous Eden Project. Shaped me, in a negative way.

Back in 2000, when the biomes for The Eden Project were still under construction, the visitor centre was opened up to the public. I was eight years old. “This will be educational,” my parents thought, “Alice will get to see this amazing thing being built and learn a bit about the nice plants in the visitor centre.”

Traumatised I was. Traumatised.

Image credit, Joe N., FourSquare.com

Plant Takeaway, an exhibition also referred to as “The Dead Cat” (which personally I think says it all) is, according to the attraction’s website, “[an] automated puppet show that explores our total dependence on plants. Visitors watch as absolutely everything made of plants in Alan and Enid’s kitchen is taken away.”

It sounds all harmless enough, sure, but let me put to you this; Plant Takeaway features scary mannequins (and you know how I feel about those), nudity and what I have always assumed to be a “Peeping Tom”. It is a reminder of the importance of plants (big tick) and how their removal will result in the painfully slow erosion of everything you hold dear (uh-oh) until ultimately you die from starvation or a lack of oxygen, which ever comes first.

“…Daddy, am I going to die?”

I can see Mumma B rolling her eyes at me now, “she’s 30 and still going on about that silly mechanical exhibit at The Eden Project” but you know what, Mum, yes, I am still going to harp on about it. There was an eight year old me, eyeball to eyeball with a naked collapsed man. To top it all off the cat dies. That’s it, THE END.

I spent the rest of the day crying. When we got back to the holiday cottage we were staying at I was in a state best comparable to that time Hermione got herself petrified in Chamber of Secrets. I remember these things because I was haunted.

Image credit: Pinterest

I think I had a mild form of PTSD, Plant Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Years later we returned to The Eden Project, where as a teenager I was quickly rushed through the visitor centre. We’d all hoped Plant Takeaway would have been retired and thrown into a skip somewhere but nope, still there.

I was going for third time lucky when I visited last year. On seeing its ugly, clunky presence I decided to face my fears and watch it through to the bitter end.

I gave up halfway through.

In my defence I really did try, and in my equal defence this exhibition is a pile of trauma. Other people have recorded and uploaded the whole thing onto YouTube…or at least I assume so (I’m not going to check; go look yourself and on your own mental health be it).

The other 98% of The Eden Project is absolutely lovely and well worth a visit, but this? Nah. I have two questions to put to the management of this attraction 1) who in their right mind signed off the development of the Plant Takeaway exhibition and 2) who is continuing to let it stay?!

Uh-oh, I think I might have triggered myself again (passive-association from the memories). I’m off to get some ice cream.

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Just Another Car Crash / Day in Swindon

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) comedy, Event, Humor, Humour, Swindon, Uncategorized , , ,

So, this happened the other day…

Admittedly, it’s a bit blurry (you can tell I was overwhelmed). Here’s a better angle:

And the wider surroundings…

It’s a straight road, no immediate bends or turns and yet the car has somehow not only flipped but also spun on its roof.

Current levels of confusion are right up there with that episode of the IT Crowd where Roy tries to work out how a “Sea Parks” arena could catch fire.

Theories on what could have caused this accident to happen are very much welcomed (mash potato reconstruction is likely to happen otherwise.)

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