comedy

And then I panicked with the courgette (zucchini)

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Baking, British, comedy, Culture, food, Humor, Humour, Mellennial, Mental Health, Mermaid, Swindon, Uncategorized, Young Professional , , , ,

Hello, present-day Alice here. I found this post deep in my draft archives, 2021 deep. On one hand I have no idea why it never got posted, and on the other hand I have every idea.

While some things have changed since this was first drafted (notably the fact I was very much single in 2021), you’ll be pleased to know the cooking skills are still as horrific now as they were then. I did it then, and I have no doubt I’d do it all over again if given half the chance…and a courgette.

So, that in mind, enjoy. AEB

**

You know how when someone says they’re a fat person in a skinny person’s body, you nod along? Well, I am that person, the one who doesn’t understand how she’s not yet stuck in a doorway.

I honestly think the only reason I’m still a healthy weight is be because I’m a slave in the Matrix, and the aliens are milking me for battery juice. (It’s a normal thought process to have, right?)

Take this evening and my portion control when it comes to this mass-produced Quorn Spaghetti Bolognese:

(FYI, not a vegetarian, just trying to do my bit for the planet…and stop Paul McCartney coming after me.)

And yes, there are also frozen vegetables in there, but let’s not dwell on the lengths I go to to ‘stodge-out’ a meal.

The thing is, it was a perfectly normal* (*Alice’s version of normal) meal. But then I had this courgette. And the courgette was on the turn (it was a little bit squidgy), but it was something Mumma B had given to me, so I was determined to not let it go to waste. But the mince-stuff was already cooked and rapidly burning.

Basically, I panicked.

I hurry-sliced the courgette, coated it in black pepper, drowned it in olive oil and then threw it in the oven. I don’t know why, I just did. And even as I type this, I am very much aware this is an Alice-world problem.

Anyway, about ten minutes later (Married at First Sight was on and I may have got distracted), I retrieved the cooked-baked mush that was once a courgette and dolloped it onto my dinner plate. By now the pasta was stodgy and the mince mostly burnt on the bottom of the pan. To add to this, I didn’t quite feel satisfied that the first picture illustrated the large portion of food I had on my plate. So what did I do?

Yes, that’s right, I compared it to the size of a teabag.

This, this is what I do for content. Jeeze.

**

Could you spare a dollar to support me? Donate here!

Alice’s Funding Page

*ANOTHER* Video That Will Change Your Life

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) British, comedy, Humor, Humour, Television, Uncategorized , , ,

Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Barrymore.

No, I’m still not going to apologise. I didn’t apologise before, and I won’t now. You knew what you were in for when you clicked the link.

**

Could you spare a dollar? Donate here!

Alice’s Funding Page

What.

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) comedy, fashion, Humor, Humour, Swindon, Uncategorized , , , , , ,

Could someone care to explain to me what the heck this is?

For more context, this was something I spotted during my wanderings around Swindon.

The most rational explanation is that someone had a load of mannequin heads as part of a hair cutting course, but it’s still very weird.

What can you say? Only in Swindon.

**

Could you spare a dollar to support me? Donate here!

Alice’s Funding Page

Dinosaur small talk on a date

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) British, comedy, Dating, Humor, Humour, Television, Uncategorized , , ,

This one comes from the Alice archives, from a time when I was channel flicking and came across this beauty of a clip from the Channel 4 reality TV show, “Celebs Go Dating”. I recorded it on my phone, hence the iffy quality, but it’s still a classic.

**

Could you spare a dollar to support me? Donate here!

Alice’s Funding Page

**

Impressive stacking skills

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) comedy, food, Humour, shopping, Swindon, Uncategorized , , ,

Not wanting to toot my own horn, but, I’m going to toot my own horn.

The looks staff gave me coming along with my trolley, approaching the self-service tills with thinly disguised smugness usually reserved only for the scan as you shop crowd.

I see your tiny space for basket shops and I raise you this:

(Although not going to lie, I was annoyed I couldn’t get the ice cream fully onto the scales.)

All the years of playing Tetris have clearly not been lost on me. And if you want the best words of guidance for getting staff to walk on by, wearing a face covering and buying a pack of cold relief medication will go a long way.

**

Could you spare a dollar to support me? Donate here!

Alice’s Funding Page

**

Writer’s Cartoon of the Week – “The Editor”

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) comedy, Humor, Humour, Mermaid, Uncategorized , , , ,

Full credit goes to Pia Guerra and Ian Boothby for this cartoon (lifted from The New Yorker Magazine’s Instagram account) that I know many writers will relate to.

In my case, my “editor” tends to be my boyfriend, and he is a rubbish one. He lets me ramble, resulting in me digging a massive hole for myself and revealing myself to be the utter muppet I am (probably why he lets me do it!)

**

Could you spare a dollar to support me? Donate here!

Alice’s Funding Page

“Swindon bin bag travels 15 minutes from home” is the best local news article I’ve read so far this year

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) British, comedy, Humor, Humour, Swindon, Uncategorized , , , , ,

I appreciate it’s a bit belated, considering the article was penned on 29th January, but honestly this article is quite possibly the best thing you’ll read all year.

Brought to you by local newspaper the Swindon Advertiser, “Swindon bin bag travels 15 minutes from home” follows the story of a lost recycling bag which, you guessed it, was blown away in recent storms, ending up a location that is 15 minutes away by foot.

“I expected to see an address on it for my street…but was shocked to see the Church’s name on it as that is a fair distance for it to be blown in the wind…I placed it on the railings where I found it and decided the decent thing to do was post its location so someone could inform the church where to find it.” Emma Viggers, Swindon resident

The best bit comes at the end. After an article detailing the recycling bag’s journey, we get this as a journalistic afterthought:

Meanwhile, a structure at the Abbey Stadium was also damaged.

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Link to original article (and credit to Edward Burnett for originally reporting): Storm Isha: Swindon bin bag travels 15 minutes from home | Swindon Advertiser

**

Could you spare a dollar to support me? Donate here!

Alice’s Funding Page

My foot: an update

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) comedy, Humor, Humour, Medicine, Swindon, Uncategorized , ,

You know, it struck me the other day that I have this uncanny ability for calamity, like the time I tripped on a paving slab and did my noggin’ in.

Putting that to one side, an update to say things are going going better with my foot (you know, the one I tipped a mug of boiling water over). This was how it was looking before, after the skin had been taken off at a minor injuries unit and a couple of days into a course of antibiotics:

I’m intentionally leaving out photos of my swollen foot at the point boyfriend Ben dragged me into an urgent care unit.A week later after the first bandage, my foot was looking more like this:

Battling infection was a low point, alongside the accompanied pain, and balancing antibiotics with my primal need to constantly eat. (‘Take one tablet four times a day, at least one hour before food and two hours after food.” Hmm…this is going to be a truly rubbish week!’)

Comedy point was when I tried to keep my foot dry in the shower by sticking a plastic bag over my foot, held in place by a hair band. Not only did it fail within seconds, giving me a soaking bandage, I also nearly slipped in the shower.

I also realised afterwards the bag was from a Chinese takeaway I’d had the week before. I’m nothing if not true to brand.

In all the ups and downs, I consider myself incredibly lucky to have had a supportive family network around me, one which have both taken care and refused to let me out of their sight where herbal tea is concerned. It is thanks to them that I’m well on my way to feeling more myself, even if it has been a slower process than I had initially expected.

It won’t stop me drinking my beloved cups of tea (and coffee), though.

**

Could you spare a dollar to support me? Donate here!

Alice’s Funding Page

**

Start 2024 as we mean to go on

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) comedy, Holiday, Humor, Humour, Theatre, Vacation, Wedding , , ,

2024 has gone swimmingly so far.

Towards the end of December 2023 I went to a pantomime (just don’t ask how many people in attendance fitted the category of aged 30 – 40…with parents). If you don’t know what pantomime is, check out this article, it does a much better job of explaining than I ever could.

Given the size of cast, it was a really production with each and everyone of the actors giving it their absolute all. The heckling from children in the audience had to be the ultimate highlight of the whole experience, with one calling out “it’s all common sense really!” as one cast member asked for help locating their ‘missing’ friends. (I don’t think they’d got the “it’s behind you!” part of the audience participation script.)

You know what isn’t fun though? Copyright claims. So you’ll have to take a photo of me stood at the base of the theatre stairs as proof we had fun.

And then boyfriend Ben and I travelled up a wedding in Darlington, a location so far north that at one stage I wasn’t sure if I was going to get altitude sickness. (Turns out there is a world beyond Birmingham, who knew!)

It was a really lovely wedding which served as a fitting end to 2023 and an area to which boyfriend Ben and I have decided we will most certainly be visiting again. Although I’m still not entirely sold by Ben’s new hat (as lovely a wedding favour as it was…)

He’s still trying to convince me.

All the above in mind, shout out to the following places:

And then…

And then, Alice decided to pull a Calamity Jane and spectacularly slip-up on a stone doorstep, bruising one side of her body.

And then, less than 24 hours later, I dropped a cup of herbal tea all over my right foot. No milk, just pure boiling water straight onto my foot. (I’ll spare you the photos of immediately after, the bandages, creams, ice packs and numerous blisters.)

Safe to say any hopes of entering into the foot modelling market are now very much scuppered. And, if anyone else says to me “just put your best foot forwards!” I swear I’m going to start charging a penalty fee.

Oh well, you know what they say, start 2024 as you mean to go on.

**

Could you spare a dollar to support me? Donate here!

Alice’s Funding Page