Just thought I’d share this photo with you:
Let it be known, hat/winter jumper season has officially begun!
Nablopomo Day 6: Holidays Are Coming
The lights have ended and the bangs have fizzled away. The embers have faded and the ash is sodden. November 5 is over.
With the completion of bonfire night we herald in the preparations for the next event, something which, like it or not, is bigger than all the corporate western festivals (Valentines, Easter, Mother’s, Father’s day, Halloween…) all of them put together. To name this religious festival is to ring in all the spectrum of human emotion, reaction and opinion. To interpret it is to incite heated debate.
If you still do not know of the season I am referring to, let me enlighten you with the assistance of a video which traditionally marks the beginning of the festive season. A jingle which sees people dust off their themed jumpers and superstores follow suit with television adverts months in the making. The famous advert has taken many forms over the years, but the message remains the same. The message is simply this:
“The Holidays Are Coming”
Nablopomo Day 5: Fireworks Night
Happy Guy Fawkes Day, alias bonfire/firework night.
Now, I’m not really sure how if this is a ‘thing’ across the world. If it is I’m fairly certain the history behind it is unknown to most people (it’s unknown to a worrying amount of people in this country). Luckily my favourite show ever, Horrible Histories, is on hand to give a brief summary to the plot:
See kids, History is cool!
In recent years Halloween has started to somewhat overtake bonfire night in terms of public status. I mean Halloween has spooky creatures, sweets and sugar skulls whereas bonfire night is all about rained off events, dodgy Chinese fireworks and safety videos that give you nightmares.
That scream.
This year though I’ve made a conscious effort to remember bonfire night which is why I’m heading to a display tonight. It also gives me the excuse to dance about to Katy Perry’s song Firework as I prepare my outfit choice (consisting of many, many layers of jumpers). In truth, firework displays usually give me terrible headache and neck crane injuries that last for days afterwards. They normally always end in an anti-climax, where you never really know when the display has actually finished on account of the massive gaps left between each set of fireworks being set off. And don’t get me started on the whole “check your bonfires for hedgehogs” warnings, I still get worked up if I see people making bonfires days beforehand.
What I do like about bonfire night though is what follows after. After bonfire night we are on the home stretch for Christmas, and that is festival I can get behind.
That in mind, bring on the fireworks!
Nablopomo Day 4: On Going from Blogger to Newspaper Reporter
As well as the 9-5 jobbing, blogging, managing social grouping, gyming, and the occasional bit of baking, I’ve recently been appointed as the events and features reporter at The Swindonian online newspaper. Eek, exciting stuff! It marks the start of a new platform and readership base (it also goes to show I must be doing an alright job thus far).
Feedback so far has been very positive and I’ve already been do a couple of event write ups. After that I’m keen to get my teeth stuck into the next article. Who knew, I actually don’t need to rely on photos to do a solid bit of writing.
In celebration of my first article (and also on the eve of Saturday) here is the link to discover how to have a cultured morning in Swindon. Enjoy.
http://www.theswindonian.co.uk/25316/246593/a/how-to-have-a-cultured-morning-in-swindon
Nabloposmo Day 3: Common Office Jargon – a Translation Guide
A simple translation guide for the generic terminology and sayings normally heard around an office environment.
General Conversation
“Hi, how are you?” – I’m making small talk with you because it’s polite.
“Good thanks, you?” – I’m responding to your small talk with a simple answer so we can get to business.
“Hey, are you busy?” – The answer to this question is irrelevant, you’re about to be given something to do.
“I don’t suppose you can have a look at this with me?” – I value your opinions on this and need to cover my arse if it all goes belly up.
“We need to go back to the supplier and tell them…” – Either myself or you need to get in touch with the supplier and explain this (ideally you).
“The deadline is flexible” – There’s a bit of leeway for when this work needs to be finished.
“This is a firm deadline” – You’re in big trouble if you don’t get this work completed on time.
“Only if it’s not too much trouble” – Even if it is too much trouble you’re still doing this for me.
“Roy from accounts is a #*&@+~>#!!” – “Roy from accounts is not my favourite person.”
“*various expletives shouted at screen*” – perhaps now is a good time to keep your head down.
“Going forward” – Based on the past, this is what can/will be improved in the future, hopefully. Conversational example, “the office block caught on fire last week. What can we learn from this?” “Well, going forward we now know that fires are started by hot things.”
Telephone Etiquette
“Hello, The John Smith Glitter Company, we make your dreams sparkle and shine, Alice speaking, how may I help?” – I’m dying a little inside every time I answer the phone. I dare you to ask me to repeat that again.
“I’m sorry, they’re in a meeting right now” – there are various places they could be, but it’s not here.
“Let me give you her email” – my colleague doesn’t want you to be constantly calling, but if they’re interested they will be in touch. More likely not, but let’s keep you hoping.
“Can I get that in writing?” – there’s either too much information to process or I’m covering my backside in case I need to refer to this later on.
“We really value your custom” – (Customer Services) We don’t really care either way. (Everyone else) I’m either sucking up to you or apologising on someone’s else’s behalf.
Singular vs Plural
“The printer is useless” – the thing in the corner is broken, again.
“The printers are useless” – our suppliers are not quite putting 100% effort in.
Other Terminology
Synergy – A fancy word used in presentations. Meaning: unknown.
Working from home – they’re at home watching daytime TV.
Meetings – where everyone gathers to discuss things. Degrees of importance/length vary, as does quality of snack and refreshment items.
Training Course – a session used to expand your knowledge or understanding of a particular element. The ‘fun’ ones are usually compulsory.
Expenses – Depending on where you work and what you do, you can sometimes claim money back on things purchased (e.g. train tickets, food, coffee, three course lunches, first class plane tickets, a BMW…).
Expense Claims – Pulling every trick/excuse in the book to get your money back from finance.
Annual Leave – the best piece of legislation ever enforced (just so long as you don’t log into the work email).
Missed any? Let me know in the comments below!
Nabloposmo Day 2: Is it Time to Give Hershey’s a Break?
Our manager returned to work today having spent ten days on a family holiday in Florida. Along with the tan, photos and that smugness that comes from meeting Mickey (FYI I’ve met him, you’re not special), she also brought back with her crates of American sweets. The stuff that you can get in the UK, but get charged three times the price for. Also the stuff that you look at and think “so that’s what they eat over there. All that sugar and e numbers, how practically ghastly!” and move on relieved you’re still British. That stuff.
She brought in these goodies and at 3pm (as standard) everyone started inching towards the snack pile. I was reaching for a piece of chocolate when a colleague cries out “oh no! Hershey’s? That stuff is awful! It tastes like plastic!”
Admittedly I was well aware of the massive p-take us Brits engage in when in discussion of the quality of American chocolate. To those who aren’t from our little island let me summarise; whatever you put in front of us it will never look as good as Dairy Milk, it’ll never taste as good as Dairy Milk and it will never make you feel as good as Dairy Milk. You can apply the same sentiments to chocolate.
Because Hershey’s is not, by default, Dairy Milk, it is already off to a bad start. The Hershey’s brand have also never tried to be good sports with their competitors, as shown when they tried to prevent the import of Cadbury chocolate (the company that produces Dairy Milk). The result? Parents and teachers across the land ingraining the opinion that Hershey’s is the treat of the devil and make up of nasty things like incest and dog poo. Ok, ok, I may be pushing it, but you get the idea. Put it this way, I’m British and I’ve never once reached to the top shelf to buy a bar of Hershey’s.
Despite the opinions of my fellow workmates I still went for a piece of the odd looking stuff. I felt like a proper office rebel (plus, as I said to my colleague “it’s free and I’m on work property. Whatever happens I’m covered). I took the squares back to my desk where, admittedly, they sat for a little while (busy office worker problems). By the time I got round to taking a bite I was genuinely curious as to what this stuff would taste like. My only memory of Hershey’s was an eleven year old me sat in a Disney World Resort hotel room at thinking that this chocolate was overrated (more of a doughnut kinda gal back then).
Imagine my amazement therefore when I popped a square into my mouth and found I wasn’t heaving after two seconds. Yes, the stuff wasn’t rocking my world, but it wasn’t too bad. As a girl who often snacks on the bargain basement chocolate brands this was not the worst sugary snack I’d ever eaten. In fact it tasted familiar to something I’d had not that long ago. I thought about it for a little bit and then it hit me; that Hershey’s tasted just like the chocolate in M&Ms. I like M&Ms. But then another thought hit me, I’m not meant to like this snack, even though it tastes like a snack I do like. I like to think I kept a straight face, but internally this was how I felt:
After I’d had time to recover (and eat a couple more pieces) I realised that actually Hershey’s wasn’t perhaps quite deserving of all the bad reputation. I mean at the end of the day it’s just another brand of chocolate. Yes, I’m not about to rush out and buy a crate load of the stuff (it’s alright, but it’ll never be Dairy Milk), and maybe I won’t start giving it to children when they come trick or treating (=money down drain), but from now on I’m not going to object to the stuff on nearly the same level as before.
After all, if as Brits we can calmly tolerate sugary snack brands like Nestle and Galaxy, then why can’t we add Hershey’s to the list. Sure, Hershey’s have been a bit stupid in the past with their plan to take over the UK market and their branding is probably the simplest out there. But at the end of the day just remember, it is American.
Day 1: National Blog Posting Month (nablopomo) – Introduction
November may mark the end of STOPtober and the start of Movember, but during this chilly month there’s also another craze which sweeps across the globe, affecting those who are either word sociopaths or those who still live with their mum. I’m talking about National Blog Posting month, also known as nablopomo (*cue fanfare and confetti ribbons*).
Never heard of it? Let me explain. National Blog Posting Month sets bloggers the challenge of writing a post every day throughout the month of November with the aim of raising awareness of blogging and to inspire people to get into writing. Yep, because blogging really is up there with raising awareness of Syria or prostate cancer…
Still, as at this present time I am unable to be Joanna Lumley or grow a moustache I thought I’d set myself the challenge of writing something everyday. Anyone who knows me and my crazy busy lifestyle well (9-5 job, social group manager x 2, gym-er, baker, commuter, blogger and now local paper reporter, oh and these hangers on called friends and family), well it doesn’t take a smart arse to see that fitting in a blog post every day on top of that is going to be pret-ty interesting. Heads up now, they won’t all be masterpieces, they won’t all be thousands of words long with a million photos and witty anecdotes, but ultimately they will be blog posts. Should be interesting to see how this goes when I forced into quantity rather than quality (before you comment on that last statement, shush).
Similarly, I really don’t intend to flood my various social media outposts with every single post I upload. For one, it takes time (refer to list of extra curricular activities above – I have none as it is) and secondly I’m determined to not become ‘that guy’ who turns their blog into their literal baby. Even I’m prepared to accept not all my posts are belters – I appreciate you guys politely smiling at them (so to speak) but I’m concerned that if I push it too far my fan base of four is going to plummet significantly during the course of the month.
So there you have it, happy November, Movember, Blog Posting Month, Christmas Fever Settling In Month Like It Or Not Month or whatever you want to call it. If you want to support me during this month please feel free to send me donations. Any money received with be invested into wine. Wine, coffee and chocolate.
Here goes! Wish me luck.
Halloween – What IS it All About?
Halloween is a funny old festival isn’t it?
I mean think about it, we’re told from birth that it’s not ok to scare people and to tell your sister she’s ugly is not a nice thing, yet on one day every year it’s suddenly acceptable. On 31st October it’s perfectly fine to make yourself look like something from The Walking Dead, or look like a slutty zombie nurse (FYI – who decided that was an attractive concept?) and walk around town making people feel uncomfortable.
Only one day a year is it acceptable for nations to get into fancy dress on the town. Not even at Christmas is there one designated day for it, and on Valentine’s day I’d actually be more disturbed to see what people did/didn’t wear. For that matter I’d be more curious why they were out in fancy dress in the first place. Weird thoughts Alice, reign it in…
I really cannot judge in the slightest, last night I was out on the town as part of a Halloween social with my 18-30 group where I was dressed as an attractive witch (because there is a line between nun and zombie wonder woman Jenna Marbles…)
If anything it made me wish I could spend the other 364 days a year walking around in a green and black dress and pointed hat and used my vast array of attractive faces on passers by.
(Honestly, at the moment my faces are vastly under used and appreciated. It’s a crying shame.)
Halloween also is also probably the only time of year where I can wear black lipstick, apply a grey filter to photos and, after a couple of glasses of wine, tell myself I should rock the goth look more often. Even though gothic Alice would quite literally be the most hilarious thing and would probably offend many people in the process.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, why do I somehow manage to always look better when I’m merry? I look better, but conversation level is never at it’s peak unless you want me to tell you how wonderful you are. Another reason why I can’t do goth, too ruddy adorable.
I really, really could go on at great length about Halloween costumes. There’s just so much to talk about, discuss and, ultimately, judge about what people choose to wear and the amount of effort people put into their outfits. Time and effort that results in a) a decent look which wows people for all of 10 seconds b) a outfit that looks half-arsed or c) an outfit well put together, but incredibly distasteful and/or one which ends up with the wearer getting punched. I’ll leave costumes at that.
It’s also at Halloween that I feel twice my age. Why? Because I inevitably go into shops and say ‘when I was a kid there wasn’t any of this tat. You had one ceramic jack-o-lantern and a pumpkin with two triangles and a rectangle for a mouth. And yet in recent years I’ve found that if you go to the Halloween section in a discount shop on, or near to, the day itself, you’d think they’d been stocking medical supplies when a deadly virus struck or that they’d been displaying Furbys or whatever kids what for Christmas nowadays.
The fun and games my sister had was a brutal game called ghost in the dark. One of us put on a large blanket and dashes about in the dark, the other has to grab them and throw the ghost onto the sofa. Those where the early days of ‘night out’ bruises – how neither of us sustained more serious injuries is forever a mystery. All said and done though, living in the middle of nowhere we never went trick or treating, there were no costumes or sweets or house parties and, as far as I was aware, there wasn’t much of a buzz for it nationally either. I don’t really know when it changed, but as the famous British theorem goes, “if in doubt, blame the Americans”. I think the whole Mexican festival of Day of the Dead must have played an impact but then that’s a tradition dating back centuries, why is it only now that it’s become a big deal? Are skulls in fashion nowadays, alongside owls and scatter cushions? Hmm, it’s all a mystery to me.
At any rate, happy Halloween people. If there’s anything that I guess you could say about October 31st, it’s not a festival that is heavily rooted in modern day religion, it is something that anyone and everyone can throw their full weight into.
For those who have been out this weekend celebrating, I hope it was a good one, to those going out tomorrow, I hope it is a good one. However your nights went or do go, just remember this; no matter what it could always be worse. You could be a cat being made to wear loo role against your will, even though you know it looks pants and does nothing for your street cred.
Happy Halloween.
An Unwise Wisdom Tooth
As I found myself sat in a medical waiting room all I could think of (besides the pain) was “here we go again”.
This time around however there were some minor differences. For one, the cause of my being there was not a smashed in face, but a troublesome wisdom tooth (unfortunately there are no photo ‘beauties’ of my injuries. I mean who can forget this stunner?)
Also, due to the severity and urgency of my condition, I was in the waiting room of a private dentist instead of one belonging to a NHS dentist (the type I would normally choose). Having your regular dentistry tell you that ‘there are no dentists on site on a Friday’ and suggest you call 111 or go to A&E is a bit of an inconvenience when you have a tooth protruding into your cheek. In such a state I was happy to take mumma Bennett’s advice and go private. Thanks also to the quick thinking and research of mumma Bennett, I was able to go to one locally which had an emergency appointment slot. Unfortunately this slot was in 20 minutes and I had no idea where I was going. Never in my life did I expect to be running to the dentist.
With (somehow) a bit of time to spare I was able to take in the waiting room. The background music was a suitable soundtrack of Heart Radio (because who doesn’t love a bit of Ed Sheeran?) but I’ll leave you to spot the main difference between the private waiting room compared to an NHS one:
Well, other than the fact it’s the most stylish waiting room I’ve ever been in, there were zero people in there. Heck, even the receptionist left me alone for a while. I know it goes without saying but in the NHS waiting rooms are considerably busier. Also, the people on reception never put out free tubes of toothpaste and if they did they’d watch you like a hawk to put you off taking them. I may have taken a few…(look, if I’m going to go private I’ve got to try and offset the costs somehow.)
Went in to see the dentist and he confirmed what I knew to be the case, that it was the wisdom tooth causing the pain I was experiencing. What I didn’t quite realise was how bad it had become. Over the course of several weeks the tooth had started to stick into my cheek and, well, rub. It certainly explained why it was hurting to talk and eat and also why the mass consumption of gum aesthetic had done me no good but made my throat numb to hot drinks (when one is in pain, one much clutch at silver linings). The dentist also showed me a delightful photo image of the tooth in question on a screen in front of me. I know I’m British but I couldn’t help feel a bit awkward as I lay in a chair with the pair of us spending about five minutes looking at my infected cheek. To my knowledge in the NHS it’s “your tooth needs to come out”, “ok” and you go from there. It was when he asked to have the image saved that my mind started to wonder. I mean, what does he want to do with that photo? Does he have a album of all the wisdom teeth he’s ever pulled out, or does he just keep the favourites? When I leave, will I have the option to select the image and get it made into a key ring?
Wisdom tooth extraction is, in my squeamish mind, not something I find either interesting or fun to talk about. Number one reason why I couldn’t be a dentist? The noises. I’ll leave it there.
Surgery done and dusted I was presented with the tooth. I wasn’t really sure what I was meant to say, whether I was meant to go ‘yippee!’ or ‘good, I can verify you are a dentist now”. Not knowing what to go with, the first thing that sprang into my mind, the very thing I thought would be appropriate in this situation was simply “well, I’m certainly not going to get that put on a necklace!” The room was silent. I’ll admit the statement lacked impact on account of the aesthetic and the cotton wool shoved in my mouth. The delivery was a little off.
I tried to salvage the situation when the dentist asked me with genuine concern if someone was coming to pick me up. “Oh yes,” I said, “family are coming. I’m going to walk home from here, it isn’t far.” I pointed out the window to a patch of street paving, “I’ll just avoid walking on that stretch of pavement, I tripped and smashed my head on the pavement there a few months back!” I said it light heartedly, but instead of mild chuckles, the dentist looked at me in a very concerned way. The nurse looked at me like I was a puppy with a broken leg. I knew I wasn’t going to win over this crowd. I left the room like a true stand up comedian.
“Err, anyway, thank you very much for seeing me,” I said, “it’s been a blast!” And walked out the room.
A blast?! I’d just had a dentist rip out a tooth from my gums and I described the whole experience as a blast? All I can hope is that the awful humour can be explained on the drugs migrating from mouth to brain.
I tell you what certainly wasn’t a blast, the bill. Yep, that would be the main difference between NHS and private. Again, I can only assume the numbing drugs helped me get over that.
Anywho, post surgery I was unable to smile but that was about it. Here is proof of me trying so hard to use my face muscles, so hard:
You can probably see a little it of swelling, but luckily that is the extent of the physical short-term impact of the extraction.
I’ve been feeling a bit up and down but I’ll be back in work and back to my normal, fully blown awkward self in no time. Maybe I’ll even start thinking up what my next calamity in about six months’ time will be…
A Complete Numpty’s Guide to Baking
Fairy Cakes à la Alice
This is a favourite recipe of mine, inspired by the immortal words of Tumblr:
“It’s not about the destination, but the journey”
You will need:
2 eggs
3oz caster sugar
3oz butter, softened
3oz self-raising flour (plus extra)
½ teaspoon baking powder
Fudge loads of random stuff to add in the name of ‘spur of the moment experimentation’
For decoration:
Cake cases that will undoubtedly prove to be too big or too small later on
An unqualified amount of icing sugar
Too much water OR too much butter
Fudge loads of random stuff to add in the name of ‘spur of the moment experimentation’
Method
Baking
- Preheat the oven to 180c (erm, gas mark…4?)
- Get out your twelve, holed, cake/bun tray thingy out (you know the one). Put cake cases in the holes and congratulate yourself for doing a good job thus far
- Weigh out ingredients (do people put ‘weigh out ingredients’ in the method? Or are you expected to have already done that? Oh well)
- Put flour, butter, sugar and baking powder into a mixing bowl. Whisk eggs separately and slowly add to the mixture whilst beating
- Once mixed you may think “this is a bit runny” in which case add extra flour. How much? The length of a piece of string
- Add random ingredients into the mix. Berries, flavourings, golden syrup (personal favourite), wine…
- Evenly divide mixture between the cake cases. Don’t forget to leave a suitable amount of batter behind for personal consumption.
- Put in the oven and bake for around 15 minutes or until golden brown. Put the TV on.
- About 20 minutes later suddenly realise the time, shout expletives and rush to the oven. Remove cakes just in time and leave to cool.
Post Dinner Decoration
- Place cakes on a plate or suitable decorating surface
- Lay out all items of decoration and take in a moment to visualise how amazing your cakes are going to look. No one will care about the burnt edges or iffy flavours but they will look like God’s gift when you’re done
- For butter cream icing mix icing sugar and butter and keep adding either ingredient to the mix until you final get the balance right and you find yourself with far too much icing
- For simple icing sugar and water combo (classic) most normal people add water to icing sugar. For the à la Alice version though, put about 100ml water into a bowl and add sugar. Realise you don’t have enough icing sugar. Rope in housemate to lend you her sugar. Discover that even this isn’t enough. Scream into a pillow.
- At 10pm, put on normal clothes and power walk down to local supermarket. Buy biggest bag of icing sugar they stock and rush back home
- Add icing sugar to water until it vaguely resembles icing. Add in more golden syrup (no reason). You’ll now have around a gallon of icing to cover twelve – fourteen small cakes
- Apply far too much icing to each cake so that it leaks over the top of the cases. Curse the cases for being too small
- Drizzle syrup on top, because one really can never have too much syrup. Mutter strong words when pretty syrup pattern melts into icing
- Go into desperation mode and stick literally anything and everything on top. Sprinkles, sugar, edible decorations, just anything
Finishing Off
Stand back and admire handiwork:
Turn around and look at the carnage left behind:
Tidy up the essentials, leaving the kitchen area looking like a scene from CSI Bake Off:
The Aftermath
Eat/drink literally half a gallon of icing (i.e. pure sugar), eat one of the cakes and then have the world’s biggest sugar crash. Wake up the next morning with a sugar hangover and vowing to never go through that again in a hurry.
Take cakes into work, have them devoured by colleagues and be worshipped like a baking Goddess.
Voila! Fairy Cakes à la Alice = Baking success
My Housemate's a Mermaid 