A summary of December and all the delights of the Christmas aisle.
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London
My Housemate’s a Mermaid – THE PODCAST
Another one from deep within the MHAM draft posts that never made it to air…until now.
Back in 2021…
I was thinking to myself the other day “you know what? There aren’t enough podcasts in the world. And golly, there sure as heck aren’t enough opinions being shared around. I should do something to rectify this immediately!”
Or, alternatively, I saw an advert for the free podcasting creator, Anchor, and thought I’d give it a shot.
Several coffees later and some playing about with low-budget graphics and ta-da! A podcast was born:
(Before you say anything, I really cannot stress the low budget-ness of this production. Low budget in the sense there is none.)
Who knows what will become of this, but basically it’s me talking to myself for up to half an hour and in episode one I talk about what lead me to start writing a blog. If you enjoy the concept of a one-woman natter then you’re in for a right royal treat.
I honestly could not be selling this venture harder if I tried. It’s just something I’m giving a go at for a bit of fun.
“My Housemate’s a Mermaid – The Podcast” available on Spotify
Jumping back to 2025…
Surprise, surprise, it didn’t catch on and after forcing myself through four recordings I stopped podcasting and went back to pure writing. I think as much as anything it was the realisation that podcasting with free software is difficult (in that I found the free to use software incredibly limiting and of overall poor production value).
I’m currently in the process of getting the original recordings saved (would you believe it, the platform appears to give podcast owners no access to downloading their own work once published).
For now, enjoy the bittersweet car crash that was the MHAM podcast and who knows, maybe I’ll revive it one day on better terms.
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I need this rock
For anyone pondering ideas for any future birthdays, Christmases, other religious occasions…celebrating your teacher (actually, maybe not the celebrating your teacher), but for everyone else, there is this:
Title: “Little Rock Looking At You”
Description:
Created exclusively for the RA Editions programme, this new sculpture by Marina Abramović Hon RA is based on a drawing made by the artist whilst living in Australia.
Produced as an edition of fifty in cast and blackened iron, Abramović has painted the eyes individually by hand, giving each rock its own unique character. The sculptures are initialled and numbered on the base and presented in a stamped cedar wood box. Each is accompanied by a card signed by the artist, as well as a certificate of authenticity.
Due to the hand-finished nature, each sculpture is unique.
Retail price: £2950* (*as of May 2024)
£2950?! 2.9.5.0?! Are you actually kidding me? As per Mumma B’s general steer on art, “if Alice could do it, it’s not ‘Art'” and ladies and gentleman, I am quite sure this is something I could do.
Now, before we all start jumping in our cars and heading for the nearest beach, it is worth noting that the creator of this artwork is Marina Abramović. Marina Abramović, as in, the Serbian artist who makes visitors walk between naked people to gain entry to her exhibitions. Marina Abramović, who drinks water more seductively than Nigella Lawson on a Christmas cooking extravaganza:
Marina Abramović, who just basically gets her kicks from performance/shock art.
I was going to add another video to prove my point, but every one ended up with a naked Marina Abramović, or some other woman flashing me, and no one needs that without at least a trigger warning. In the space of thirty minutes I viewed enough of Marina Abramović’s body that it both ruined my related videos feed on YouTube and led to some very awkward suggested adverts.
Goes to show, if you call it “Art” then anything goes.
Purchase link (in case you don’t believe me): Little Rock Looking At You – Royal Academy of Arts – Shop
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Pottering about in Watford and London
Cast your mind back to a time before Christmas (Why? Because I may have forgot I was wearing a Christmas jumper at the time and it makes continuity a bit of a nightmare)…
Boyfriend Ben and I had a great time visiting The Making of Harry Potter Studio Tour in Watford. A year in the making (not joking), we had lots of fun exploring the Harry Potter sets and Ben telling me what it meant.
(Just don’t tell anyone I stopped reading the HP series when I was about 15 and a third into Order of the Phoenix.)
Jokes aside, we both had a really good time (so much so it’s got me wanting to watch the films again, much to Ben’s delight).
I also drank too much butterbeer and the foam puffed out my cheeks like a moustached chipmunk.
Watford wasn’t too shabby as a place either! Especially the cocktails…
From Watford, we went back down to London and spent a few days there. This included a birthday surprise from Ben when he took me to a lovely restaurant on the Thames, followed by a night of laughs watching The Play That Goes Wrong on the West End.
And the birthday celebrations were rounded off with cake and a cat.
We had a wonderful time with plenty of memories to carry with us into 2024. That, and copious amounts of toiletries I took from the various hotel rooms (sorry, not sorry).
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I Saw “Is That All There Is?” at the Tate Modern and I’m Still Hooked
I don’t know if it’s the warped soundtrack, the computer-generated vocals or the mesmerizingly basic Adobe Flash animation but whichever way, I saw “Is That All There Is?” at the Tate Modern (London) and now it’s all I can think about.
I swear to goodness I wish it would just leave me alone. After all, it’s hardly something you can sing along to, not when the earworm in question sounds like a deflated emergency siren.
And, a much as I value the importance of art, I wish this wasn’t the one thing to have stuck with me since my visit to the Tate Modern in November 2022 (that’s right, it’s still haunting me!)
…I’m off to get myself a strong cup of tea.
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(For what it’s worth) Display caption lifted from the Tate Modern website:
IS THAT ALL THERE IS? considers the environmental impact of global warming. YHCHI often use dark humour to highlight difficult issues. The text and melody of the work are based on the song Is That All There Is?, made popular by singer Peggy Lee in 1969. The fire in the song’s lyrics here becomes a reference to wildfires in California. The question ‘Is That All There Is?’ is repeated again and again, highlighting the lack of personal and political accountability in relation to climate change.
Gallery label, April 2022
Artist credit: Young-Hae Chang Heavy Industries
Title: “Is That All There Is?”
Featured post image (also used below): “What The Hell’s Going On” by Young-Hae Chang Heavy Industries (https://www.artpapers.org/young-hae-chang-heavy-industries/)
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The Elizabeth Line: An Alternative Review
Here’s a quick run-through of what happened when I went on London Underground’s newest service, the Elizabeth line.
The first thing I was aware of when I descended the escalators at Paddington was the whizzy LED signs.
I don’t know why, but I found them mesmerising, like a lava lamp. It was also 7:30am and I hadn’t had coffee, which I acknowledge may have been a contributing factor. Nudged by another commuter in that classic “get-on-or-move-on” fashion, I hopped onto the next Eastbound train.
Now the thing is…well, I wanted to illustrate that even though it was very busy at Paddington station the train was pretty quiet. But, equally, I didn’t want it to be obvious I was taking random photos of the train. You can see my predicament. So what do you get?
A slightly burred picture of a door.
It really was a classically Alice dilemma.
Oh, thumbs up for the seat coverings by the way.
And the floor? I mean, I wouldn’t say I’d be eating off it, but by London standards it was fairly squeaky.
I just wish I could say it was seam-LESS! (Get it? Because there’s a joining line? Well, I thought it was witty).
And here’s a photo of Custom House, before a-la-mosh pit I got scooped up by corporate commuters and funnelled toward the ticket gates.
*Then Alice did actual work stuff at the ExCel conference centre*
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On leaving the ExCel I was running back what felt like the thickest black jacket in the hottest day. To say I was a bit toasty was an understatement, I was effectively drowning in a pool of sweat and free pencils.
Honestly I was so relieved to be somewhere with air conditioning and seating I forgot to take any photos. Minor detail.
It was probably owing to this (realising at Bond Street I hadn’t taken any photos and unable to, thanks to the copious amounts of free pencils filling my hands) that I became very obsessed with scoring a selfie with the Underground sign at Paddington. That, and in part because of the very strong coffee I knocked back before leaving the ExCel.
Ten attempts later (not kidding), I settled with what I got and shambled upstairs to find out the outbound train I’d been racing to get was actually a very slow train so ended up loitering around Paddington for 40 minutes for the train which, it turns out, all my colleagues were on as well. None of them were interested in my pencils, only moaning about the cleanliness of the toilets at Paddington. For a whole hour.
So yeah…
The Elizabeth line! Clean (enough), mesmerising signs (if you’re suffering from caffeine withdrawal) and just enough air con to stop you gagging on the stench of someone else’s body odour. What more could you want?!
Oh, and it’s actually super quick to get places. Minor detail.
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Five Minute Book Review: “Ways of Living” by Gemma Seltzer
Five minutes to type-up a quick review of a recent read. This time, I’m reviewing Seltzer’s collection of ten short stories in her anthology, “Ways of Living”.
Five Minute Book Review: “Ways of Living” by Gemma Seltzer
In this collection many of Seltzer’s short stories can be traced back to common, yet very relatable, themes. It feels quite apt that I’m writing this whilst buried deep in oversized lounge wear, cup of tea to my left. Isolation, personal loss, the constant readjustment of itchy face coverings; these aren’t always the most comfortable visualisations, but the ones we can readily embrace.
The anthology is set around working and living in London, drawing a lot on the author’s Jewish heritage and personal research within broad and diverse communities. Light humour peppers the emotional undertone of most stories, such was the case in Parched, with its protagonist who can’t stop crying, or the surreal tale of a woman who takes to believing her deceased mother is still alive and living in her coat (Some Women Carry Silence in their Pockets).
What Would You Have Said?, depicting the fallout of an enforced office policy of “Quiet Wednesdays” (with strong inklings of Blackmirror) and Handover, a tale about a friendship breakup, introduces some interesting topics for broader discussion. For instance why, in an age where people aren’t as geographically fixed as they used to be, doesn’t popular culture mourn the loss of friendships as much as romantic relationships? Maybe it’s a more generational problem as much as anything else.
These short stories were a nice quick-read during busy working days from home. A moment of urban escapism, within four magnolia walls.
AEB
(Author Website: http://www.gemmaseltzer.com/)
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Letters, Books, Pigeons: Christmas 2021
Can I just start with the most middle-class, Cotswold drama to have occured this year at Christmas. Mumma B, setting her prized oven mits on fire, by accidentally placing them over a Yankee candle.
The best bit? Mumma B’s first reaction to my panic was to assume the vegetables were boiling over. I don’t think it quite trumps the time I dropped the Michael Buble Christmas CD in a tray of turkey fat, but it’s a close second.
Anyway…
Letters, Books, Pigeons: Christmas 2021
Music
I’m going to start as we mean to go on, with this:
You know what? The more times I watch it, the more times I think there is nothing in here the great George Michael and Andrew Ridgley of Wham! would take issue with.
From the soundtrack to the casual bit of inter breed dating, I only hope, and I truly mean this from the bottom of my heart, that George Michael was able to watch this before his death in 2016.
(And if you think any of this is tragic just remember, this wasn’t even the worst thing I came across. Nowhere near.)
I’m Dreaming of a White…Pigeon
When it comes to Christmas, everyone has a different interpretation for what festivities look like. Some people have robins in snow, in Swindon we’ve got pigeons bathing in overflowing waste drains.
Beggars can’t be choosers.
Interior Decorations
While I’m not one of those who puts up decorations super early, I am a fan of Christmas when it does come along. Anything to get me over the trauma of Halloween.
Genuinely can’t be trusted to watch a 12-rated spook film without freaking out at the slightest jump-scare. Years it took me to get over Disney’s The Haunted Mansion, years.
I put up my tree…
…and proceded to smash up my beloved retro starburst clock, by attempting to hang lights off it. The entire glass dial, smashed into a trillion bitty pieces.
Mazel Tov! (Oh, wait, that’s the wrong religion.)
Moving along…
Shopping
It’s always nice when Jesus graces you with his presence when you’re out and about shopping, even if his eyeless sockets are a little bit menacing.
We buy all these presents, yet not one of them is for him? So humble.
And I’m not going to lie, arguably the gifting has already peaked this year. That happened recently when my family teamed up to buy me a whole set of matching Next kitchenware.
My goodness, it’s so beautiful.
Huh? Sorry, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, presents.
I mean, at the same birthday I also got given this:
Honestly, the embarassment of opening this in front of my family, alongside Next kitchenware. Not just that, reading the blurb out! Trust me, it gets worse. Deary me, my cheeks were not ready for that leavel of red. (Thanks Matt, mission accomplished!)
Now this, this is the sort of tat I can get into.
(But not buy.)
Hang on a second, I’m sure I’ve seen something like this before.
My goodness, talk about nerve!
That was on sale for £2 less in 2019!
It set me up to be in a right unimpressed British emoji-type mood when my younger sister pointed this sign-board out to me.
No, just no.
Ignoring all of the random shop items, this year my best purchase has to be, without a shadow of a doubt, my new fountain pen.
I bought the pen, then proceeded to Google how to make it work.
There’s definetely something ironic in using the internet to lookup the basics of how to use a pen.
Letters
One of my favourite things I like to do every year is write Christmas cards. This year, with so many of my colleagues based overseas that meant a bit more spent on stamps but heck, they’re worth it.
I’m still at the stage of life where I don’t have five million of them to write out, and/or pressing life matters that see every night booked up from 1st August, through to 15th January. I can treat myself to the odd night of pure card-writing, jotting out personalised notes to those nearest and dearest. It gives me a kind of buzz.
What can I say? Some people have alcohol, I have cards. We both have wrecked tounges.
Terrible Christmas Films (No, Really)
When I write cards, wrap presents etc, I tend to stick on one of those terribly wonderful Hallmark-type Christmas films on. Predictable and, I used to think, unoffensive. That was, until I saw this clip:
THEY DON’T EVEN EAT THE FOOD!!
What kind of dining-out date is this? Nu-huh, I’m sorry mate, you can stop juggling those oranges, because if I’m not getting a look-in on that Tupperware box, then you ain’t getting this.
(Close friends have also pointed out countless other things that make no sense in this montage, however I’m sticking firm on the lack-of-food being the absolute worst. Three words; girl, gotta, eat.)
On that note… *returns to phone to scroll through her tailored Facebook adverts*
Serves me right for being an insomniac. And, on the topic of sleep, a late night pop to the shops to buy some milk and I spot this:
“…Does it come with a receipt?”
Coffee
Oh, hey! Almost forgot. It’s December now, so that means my diet is even more whacky than other months* (*let’s be honest, my diet is hardly enviable). Did someone invite me to go around all the coffee shops, drink gingerbread lattes and not eat anything until evening, when I have a three course meal?
(Not that I ever want to have a three course meal, even two courses is an extreme for me, but because it’s December suddenly that’s a thing. Gonna get me a sweet, sweet latte, bigger than my tiny wrist can hold.)
Anyway, yes, yes that’s me. And I will read a book in there and no, you will not have a hope of kicking me out until at least two hours have passed, and not a minute before.
Unrelated note, does anyone else get life this after getting heavily involved with an emotional book?
“Walking through the dark and cold drizzel of town, after a 2+ hour coffee shop reading session. So full of mixed emotions right now, I genuinely don’t know whether to cry or feel inspired. Just me, or does anyone else have to take a lie down when the book feel get this intense?”
Turns out, it’s just me.
“Ink not coming out of fountain pen” is a niche search entry, I’ll give you that. Maybe not quite as popular as Ariana Grande but heck, you’ve gotta keep these traditions alive.
Conclusions
You know what? Stuff it! I’m just gonna book myself on a professionally accredited course to learn about unicorn magic…
…and go watch the Swindon Wildcats play down the local rink.
In fairness, it was such a good game.
Wait, There’s More!
Before you go, remember that video I included at the start of this post? Well, guess what? The creator only went and made an improved version and/or (to be honest I’m not entirely sure which) sequeal a few years later! Yeah, I know!
Better still, the soundtrack features the musical stylings of Cascada, covering Wham!
Honestly, between these music videos and that pictre of pigeons washing themselves in waste water, I really don’t think Christmas could really peak much more than this.
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A Very Happy Alice
I’ve just got back from my writing retreat and, newsflash, it was beyond amazing.
I met 22 wonderful human beings (15 other participants + tutors/guest readers + Arvon staff), and there was so much to take in and reflect on, and every night I felt I like I could burst with creativity (which would have been awkward, as I don’t think anyone signed-up to being coated in chunks of Alice…at least not before dessert).
With so many thoughts, feelings and emotions running through my head, it’s hard to put into extacting words what the past week has meant to me. From 1-2-1s with critically acclaimed writers, to long walks, to sitting down at a desk (in front of a gorgeous view) and hitting word to paper, my time spent on an Arvon tutored retreat at The Hurst (deep in the Shropshire Hills) has been an incredible experience.
I’ll get something more substanial down soon but for now know this; I’m a very, very happy Alice!
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Alice’s Signature “Three Ingredient” Cooking (Alias “Stodge Dinner”)
A couple of videos that showcase just the level of my culinary abilities. I’d caveat it with something like, “it had been a long day in the office and/or it was 23:00 in the evening”, but it wasn’t. It was 19:00 and it was me, being me.
Part One – Preparation and Cooking
Part Two – Finishing Touches and the Taste Test
Oh, and here is the pastry I mentioned in the video, the free one.
I think it was a citrus tart. It tasted of lemons. It was going out of date that day, so someone came up to me and asked if I wanted it. Five days after said expiry date, I ate it (because that’s the kind of classy girl I am).
So, who wants to hire me as their private chef?
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My Housemate's a Mermaid 