Humour

Nablopomo Day 23: Brexit Strikes Again

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Humor, Humour, London, nablopomo, politics ,

First off, play this (at any rate because it’s a ruddy awesome song):

 

I think we can all safely say we wish the past six months never happened. To one extent or another we want to wake up and hear about Trump’s new reality TV show, or discover that Nigel Farage was actually the mind’s conjuring of all those scary puppets from childhood. And yet, despite our hopes, we wake up every morning to news that the UK is going to turn into Kazakhstan and the wider world into the Planet of the Apes (that is, unless it’s already happened and we can’t see it… )

Not yet published Picture File: MI001 1232379 Submitter: GERRY ELLIS/ MINDEN PICTURES Copyright: 50M (MINDEN IMAGES REPRESENTED BY NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC CREATIVE HAVE SPECIFIC RESTRICTIONS. CONTACT NG CREATIVE STAFF AT X7537 FOR MORE INFORMATION) Location: Not Released/ Not Applicable, Tanzania Legend: Chimpanzee (Pan troglodytes) portrait, adult named Frodo, Gombe Stream National Park, Tanzania Keywords: Africa, Animal, Ape, Chimpanzee, Close Up, Color Image, Day, Eas

 

Where did this massive screw up of a political year start? Britain, that’s where. The land where monumental things happen. Vaccinations, Democracy, the National Health Service, they all came from the UK. On June 23rd 2016 we in Britain started the ball rolling by voting to leave the European Union. Our society hasn’t been the same since.

Here are some photos I’ve taken in recent months that highlight instances which, in my opinion, demonstrate the impact of the Brexit vote on the average Joe and Joyce.

 

img_0354
New proposed signage at airports/Dover
img_0185
Housing markets – investors turn to Lego as a profitable investment
img_0644
Cutbacks at World Heritage Sites
img_0865
Making clothes out of Gran’s old curtains suddenly becomes fashionable
img_1006
Widespread wheat shortages
img_0774
Museums sell off highly valuable collections
WP_20160603_17_21_42_Pro
This
img_0993
No one can afford public transport
WP_20151017_13_56_27_Pro
Special offers
img_0918
‘Cos cheese rationing be in fashion like it’s 1939
img_0732
Cut backs on mainstream education
img_0528
Oh sweet Jesus, not the alcohol!
img_0876
Communal burning rituals? Yep, sounds about right. Soon it’ll be the only way to stay warm.

 

Yeah, so far in the past six to nine months I have to say it’s not looking too good for our little nation. Don’t worry though, if we all stay positive and pull together I’m sure we can get through this and come out a stronger, better nation. Stick together Britain, we will prevail!

img_1009

Forget it, we’re screwed.

Nablopomo Day 22: The Common Cold

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Humor, Humour, nablopomo , ,

In the last couple of days I’ve been struck down the most irritable of viruses, the common cold. Forget Darf Vader, Simon Cowell and reduced fat cheese, the common cold is the ultimate enemy of human kind, notably the British variety, who have to put up with the sickness all too frequently. As someone who tends to be cold-ridden for many weeks at a time (two-six weeks usually), I can honestly say I’ve tried to see the bright side. I’ve tried to see the humour in the husky voice and the excuse to binge on chocolate. However that Phoebe Buffay from Friends reference only carries so much water and what use is endless chocolate if you can’t taste anything?

In my feeble attempts to see a glimmer of positivity I have even turned to Google. Maybe there’s a new herb or questionable Hungarian drug I can buy. Search results – Vicks vapour rub and a healthy dose of ‘quit your whining and stay away from A&E’. Then I thought, ‘maybe there’s a fancy Latin name for the common cold I can use to make people think I’m really sick’. Search results – ‘the common cold, otherwise known as a cold, is an infectious disease of the upper respiratory tract…’. Only in the Western world would we rename something to have fewer words because two words was clearly one too many to remember. How come all the plants on Gardeners’ World get really long, fancy sounding, names? It’s just not fair.

I know what many of you are thinking, ‘here we go again, another case of Man Flu. It’s just a cold, she needs to get over it’. I wouldn’t blame you for thinking it, in fact I’d be saying the exact same thing in your shoes. Truth is, when I have a cold I become my own worst enemy. I don’t want to be near me, let alone anyone else. At the click of a finger I become the croaky, snotty, tired-eyed personification of an invisible force which doesn’t deserve the attention it gets. It’s like a (very) low budget, English, version of the Incredible Hulk ‘what do you mean, you’re out of cough sweets? Have you forgotten where we are? Did your stockist not look at the calendar?! That makes throat angry! ARGHHH!!’ (precedes to knock several boxes of paracetamol off the shelf and storm out of the shop, tutting).

Anyway, in short, I have a cold. Persons close to me for personal or professional reasons would be best placed to keep their distance until I am in a more fitting state to be social. Take this blog post as written approval.

An excuse to be antisocial? Hey, maybe there is a silver lining to this cold after all.

Nablopomo Day 21: Who The Heck Drinks Decaf?

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Coffee, Humour, nablopomo , ,

On November 21 I came to the conclusion that a life without full-caffeine coffee is a life not worth living.

As I sat behind my desk at 9:15, staring aimlessly at emails it was hard to see any hope of salvation. So fixated I was with the screen you’d have thought I was reading the outcome of a serious political debate rather than the weekly printing reports. “If I stare at this for long enough I’ll establish the meaning of life or wake up, whichever comes first” I kept repeating (internally of course, my colleagues don’t need to be reminded of my insanity, especially not this early in the week). Then in the corner of my eye I caught glimpse of a holy purple beacon of hope. Without a second thought I reached across my desk and grabbed the thermos flask without haste (note that I did not throw myself across my desk in a Saving Private Ryan fashion. This is a significant improvement on previous weeks.) I found myself rushing to the kitchenette area, legs carrying me at as fast a walking pace as possible. Being a lazy/super organised/cheapskate (delete as appropriate) individual, the coffee granules and whitener were already sat at the bottom of the flask, the combination having been inputted into the contain several days beforehand. Probably for the best, given my zombie like state the thought of processing more than “just add hot water” would have only resulted in fire and/or the destruction of the entire office.

Flask in shaking hand, I trudged back to my desk. The next problem was the inner turmoil of deciding which was more important: the need to get caffeine into system or the desire to not burn mouth with boiling water. Grr, why must hot coffee be so hot?! The following five minutes were therefore spent typing simple emails whilst secretly cursing the thermos flask for keeping hot drinks hot. Finally I grew impatient and took the plunge. Inevitably perhaps, I burnt my mouth. Oh hello pain, my old friend. But then as emails starting pinging in left, right and centre I knew I couldn’t put this off any longer. “Sod it” I thought, and in true Pop Eye style motion, I tore off the lid of the flask and proceeded to drink the brownish mixture of questionable quality in massive gulps. Not thirty seconds later I was a changed woman, powering through emails, printing briefs, firing off quick responses to all questions. Less than an hour after entering the office I was back on top form. All the while only one thought passed through my head:

“Who the heck drinks decaf?”

Nablopomo Day 20: Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Christmas, Humor, Humour, nablopomo , ,

Apparently it’s no longer enough to put up freaky and scary decorations once a year on Halloween, now it’s happening for Christmas too. Take this ornament for example. For 25 of your hard earned pounds you can buy this monstrous piece of decorative tat:

ds.png

It’s big, it’s clunky, but those eyes. Who decided that painting those eyes on in that way was ok? If that wasn’t enough though, it gets worse. You press a button on the side and it does this:

untitled

Because gold glitter and bright lights makes everything better. Especially in a darkened space.

Seriously, who is commissioning these items? Who is buying them? Both sets of people need to sit down in a room and take a good, long, look at themselves.

 

 

Nablopomo Day 19: Quick, Someone Call Jeremy Corbyn! (A Solution to Traingate)

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) #book, Humour, nablopomo, train, Travel , ,

First there was this from Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the political UK opposition party, Labour:

 

Then there was this reaction from Virgin Trains/the media:

 

Look, politics aside, all I’m going to say is that if Jeremy wants to visit Bath Spa on a weekend he is more than welcome to hop on board my Great Western Railway train.

 

img_0993

I’m more than happy to share my carriage with him if he’s ok with getting the coffee round. He also has to promise not to ignore the seats and sit on the floor (like last time). If he’s going to be like that he can take his hummus and sandals elsewhere.

Nablopomo Day 18: Inappropriate Music

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Humor, Humour, Music ,

My colleague and I had an inappropriate song-struck-in head off today. As our chairs are located literally back to back (#OverstaffedOfficeProblems) we share a great deal of information, sometimes perhaps too much. Put it this way, it’s been a bonding experience. Nowhere else can I say I’ve learnt the art of careful wheeled office chair reversal (trust me, it’s a very unvalued skill). One of our many chats today was on the topic of music which followed minutes later by my colleague announcing she had “Apple Pen” stuck in her head. For those of you who have yet to experience the delights of this song, here is the video:

Pretty annoyingly catchy right? Double points for that fact for simplicity and dance moves I can learn. Besides, any music video that prioritises dress over props is going to score highly with me. Reduce the price of fruit and pens I say.

Despite this, I was all to quick to respond “I can better that” and muttered the lyrics I had stuck in my head. Faced with her disbelief, told her to Google it.

This was the song I had stuck in my head whilst sat in a professional office environment:

Definitely NSFW!

Nablopomo Day 16: A Messed up Food Diary

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) food, Humour ,

Typical Dietary Routine on a Weekday

(08:00 – Wake up)

(08:45 – Get into work)

09:15 – Water/breakfast tea/coffee

10:30 – 11:00 – Breakfast (porridge oats in water, aka gruel)

11:30 – Frusli (cereal bar)

11:45 – Herbal/breakfast tea

12:30 – (On a bad day) additional Frusli bar or pack of Cadbury Mini Animals (because I’m a big girl)

13:30 – Whole carrot

(14:00 – 15:00 – Lunch break)

15:05 – Eat lunch (cheese sandwich and apple squash)

16:15 – Yoghurt

(17:00 – Home time)

17:30 – Cheap coffee and crisps

18:30 – Chocolate snack bar

20:30 – Assorted dinner

22:00 – Chocolate/dessert and breakfast tea

23:00 – Half a Frusli bar (on a bad day)

(23:30 – Bed)

Typical Dietary Routine on Weekends When Visiting Family

(10:30 – Get up)

10:45 – Nice coffee

10:50 – Croissants

11:30 – Chocolate

12:30 – More nice coffee at home/out and about with cake

14:00 – Biggest roast in the world

14:45 – Breakfast tea

16:00 – Dessert/cake (forced consumption on account of the large lunch)

20:00 – Dinner

21:00 – Ice cream/dessert

22:00 – Breakfast tea

(00:00 – Bed)

How am I not morbidly obese? How? I tell you what, if I stop my exercise routine I’m stuffed, quite literally.

Nablopomo Day 14: A Girl Named Tuna

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Humor, Humour, nablopomo , , , ,

Question. If you were to see someone stare right at you and exclaim “tuna!” what would be your first reaction? Whether that person was mentally sound or not, you’d probably avoid them, right? That would be the normal reaction to have. Unfortunately, normal and Alice Bennett never have quite gone hand in hand, which is why, at the sound of someone shouting “TUNNNNAAA!” I will instinctively look to the noise’s source and give a cheery wave.

To backtrack a little, during my secondary school days I was obsessed with the consumption of tuna fish. Pretty much every lunch consumed in the school canteen was tuna based. Jacket potatoes, wraps, baguettes, you name it, (as long as it had tuna in it) I ate it. To my small group of friends I was known as ‘tuna’, to the dinner ladies serving the jacket potatoes I was known as “the usual?” (and let me tell you, in a school of 1300 students it was quite an achievement to have your order remembered). For about three years I accepted my nickname as a rite of passage. With three other Alices in my year I also enjoyed being distinguishable from the heard.

Then I grew up.

When I left for university I decided I didn’t want to be linked to a smelly tinned fish that not everyone likes. In addition, on a student budget tuna turned from being a staple into a luxury food product, one that was seldom consumed in the face of cheap chips and discount chocolate. On every level, the name ‘tuna’ had to go. After eighteen years of avoiding the cliché I found myself shouting over bass line music “it’s Alice, you know, as in Alice in Wonderland?” To the most part it worked, I was able to breeze through university with no in-joke nicknames. However what I have discovered is that old habits die hard which is why, five years after secondary school, my Meerkat reactions are being activated still by someone yelling tuna from the other side of the street. My old school friends persist on doing it because they know it’s the only way to get my attention and, as much as it pains me to say it, it still works.

Why couldn’t I have just stuck with pizza and burgers?

(Written in response to the WordPress Daily Prompt, Fish)