Humor

It’s Happened Again!!

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) British, comedy, Humor, Humour, News, shopping, Television, Uncategorized , ,

Following the post I published towards the end of 2022 about a mother opening an Amazon parcel containing boxes of cereal, I have two thing to report.

  1. Amazon have yet to implement a policy forcing people to open parcels on the doorstep (sorry Lizzie)
  2. It’s happened again!

As spotted on a social media platform (for the sake of argument, let’s call said social media platform “Gacebook”):

Image reads: Amazon Warning!!!! I want to make our community aware so this doesn’t happen to anyone else. I ordered an iPad Air of Amazon certified seller and received a pack of cleaning wipes.
Package was tampered with. I managed to grab the driver to return the item. He said he could not change the delivered status. He rung his boss and who said to him, ‘bring the wipes back and we’ll get her sent out an item tomorrow’. Needless to say the iPad never turned up. After several calls to Amazon Customer Services I am still unable to change the status of the delivery to returned until the driver has done so. I know this will not happen. Its currently being investigated by Amazon customer services.

Another instance of someone trying to buy an Apple product, only this time they got duped with surface wipes.

I don’t know why I should be surprised and really it is a terrible thing that people are being unfairly mugged off in such a way, but it still amazed me when I saw it appear on my social media feed.

That, or it could be a sign that I need to get a life.

As a thirty year old, eating blueberry yoghurt from the tub and watching reruns of The Hills I’m going to decline the opportunity to comment. I’d only dig myself into a bigger yoghurt-based hole.

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Seven Degrees of Pie

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) comedy, family, food, Humor, Humour , ,

My birthday card writing skills need no introduction, which is why I present to you my latest iteration for my sister’s birthday. Ladies and gentlemen, I call this “Seven Degrees of Pie”

Let me quickly summarise (as I know the lack of space makes the writing legibility a bit hit and miss in places):

  1. Blueberry pie! Which is as cute looking as…
  2. Kitty pie! Kitty pie sounds as funny to say as…
  3. Pizza pie! Which is orange in colour, like…
  4. Pumpkin pie! This particular pumpkin pie looks like a face, like…
  5. Pacman pie! Pacman pie rushes after tasty treats like…
  6. Pie Face! (the Beano character) Pie Face = …
  7. Pie…on your face. See! The proof is in the pie!

There you have it. My very well thought out logic that one is never more than seven moves from being pied. And just think, I never went to Philosophy school.

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Shin-kicking – a very Cotswold news story

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) British, comedy, Cotswolds, Culture, Humor, Humour, News, Uncategorized , ,

Nothing sums up my experiences growing up than the hype surrounding the “Cotswold Olimpick Games”, an annual summer event that takes place on Dover’s Hill, Gloucestershire.

You, however, might be more familiar with one of the key events that take place during the games, skin-kicking.

Not heard of shin-kicking before? Well have no fear, for this news clip from BBC Points West will explain all in glorious local news fashion.

(Even I was left thinking “what did I just watch?”)

There’s a lot to unpack here in what is almost a 4 minute long video, so let me hit you with what’s going on (my personal highlights are in bold):

  • 00:12 – It’s not a piece of old reel footage unless a random horse suddenly appears
  • 00:29 – What. On. Earth? (I choked on my cup of tea when I first saw this)
  • 00:41 – Local news gets interviewee’s name wrong (#standard)
  • 01:29 – “It’s a part of our heritage that’s nice to keep alive” – in school we were frequently told that it was a stupid sport and told to not do it
  • 01:40 – Already looking considerably more violent than the 1950s version of shin-kicking
  • 02:08 – I genuinely feel a bit sorry for anyone who travels overseas, or makes special effort, to visit the Cotswold Olmpicks. My sister went last year and said it was a load of cr*p
  • 02:35 – Dear Lord, those shin guards! (I couldn’t stop laughing…again). Also, the buttoning up of the suit jacket which I’m guessing is a nervous twitch on the part of the presenter, as if this bloke is seriously going to pelt him
  • 02:44 – “Be careful, because I am a world champion” is a phrase that has probably become very tiresome down Mike’s local pub
  • 02:50 – Demonstration of shin-kicking (otherwise known by Alice’s laugh of “hahahahahaha! This is brilliant, hahaha”)
  • 03:01 – “Do you normally have something down your trousers?”
  • 03:15 – I’m starting to think someone has dared Mike to wear that silly hat
  • 03:35 – The weather presenter completely baffled, like the rest of us, by what he’s just seen

And don’t you worry, as always you’re very much welcome.

Image credit: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-gloucestershire-39538277

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This Video Will Change Your Life

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) British, comedy, Humor, Humour, Television, Uncategorized , , ,

Ladies and gentleman, Michael Barrymore.

And if not for the video than the comments on the video itself, including:

Now, isn’t your life so much better for watching that video? (Also, don’t answer that question.)

And no, I won’t tell you how I came about this video. And for those of you expecting this to be a video of my sister and/or my giant thumb (based off this post’s feature image…)

…sorry, not sorry.

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Plant Takeaway: the Eden Project Exhibition that still Traumatises me

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) British, comedy, Humor, Humour, Mermaid, Travel, Uncategorized , , ,

Few things have shaped me more than a mechanic exhibition housed in the visitor centre of Cornwall’s world famous Eden Project. Shaped me, in a negative way.

Back in 2000, when the biomes for The Eden Project were still under construction, the visitor centre was opened up to the public. I was eight years old. “This will be educational,” my parents thought, “Alice will get to see this amazing thing being built and learn a bit about the nice plants in the visitor centre.”

Traumatised I was. Traumatised.

Image credit, Joe N., FourSquare.com

Plant Takeaway, an exhibition also referred to as “The Dead Cat” (which personally I think says it all) is, according to the attraction’s website, “[an] automated puppet show that explores our total dependence on plants. Visitors watch as absolutely everything made of plants in Alan and Enid’s kitchen is taken away.”

It sounds all harmless enough, sure, but let me put to you this; Plant Takeaway features scary mannequins (and you know how I feel about those), nudity and what I have always assumed to be a “Peeping Tom”. It is a reminder of the importance of plants (big tick) and how their removal will result in the painfully slow erosion of everything you hold dear (uh-oh) until ultimately you die from starvation or a lack of oxygen, which ever comes first.

“…Daddy, am I going to die?”

I can see Mumma B rolling her eyes at me now, “she’s 30 and still going on about that silly mechanical exhibit at The Eden Project” but you know what, Mum, yes, I am still going to harp on about it. There was an eight year old me, eyeball to eyeball with a naked collapsed man. To top it all off the cat dies. That’s it, THE END.

I spent the rest of the day crying. When we got back to the holiday cottage we were staying at I was in a state best comparable to that time Hermione got herself petrified in Chamber of Secrets. I remember these things because I was haunted.

Image credit: Pinterest

I think I had a mild form of PTSD, Plant Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Years later we returned to The Eden Project, where as a teenager I was quickly rushed through the visitor centre. We’d all hoped Plant Takeaway would have been retired and thrown into a skip somewhere but nope, still there.

I was going for third time lucky when I visited last year. On seeing its ugly, clunky presence I decided to face my fears and watch it through to the bitter end.

I gave up halfway through.

In my defence I really did try, and in my equal defence this exhibition is a pile of trauma. Other people have recorded and uploaded the whole thing onto YouTube…or at least I assume so (I’m not going to check; go look yourself and on your own mental health be it).

The other 98% of The Eden Project is absolutely lovely and well worth a visit, but this? Nah. I have two questions to put to the management of this attraction 1) who in their right mind signed off the development of the Plant Takeaway exhibition and 2) who is continuing to let it stay?!

Uh-oh, I think I might have triggered myself again (passive-association from the memories). I’m off to get some ice cream.

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Just Another Car Crash / Day in Swindon

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) comedy, Event, Humor, Humour, Swindon, Uncategorized , , ,

So, this happened the other day…

Admittedly, it’s a bit blurry (you can tell I was overwhelmed). Here’s a better angle:

And the wider surroundings…

It’s a straight road, no immediate bends or turns and yet the car has somehow not only flipped but also spun on its roof.

Current levels of confusion are right up there with that episode of the IT Crowd where Roy tries to work out how a “Sea Parks” arena could catch fire.

Theories on what could have caused this accident to happen are very much welcomed (mash potato reconstruction is likely to happen otherwise.)

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Not Saying I’m a Perfectionist, But…

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) British, Culture, Economy, Humor, Humour, Swindon , , ,

They say a picture paints a thousand words, I say it paints 999.999…

(Yes, the British cost of unleaded petrol (gas) is indeed hideous.)

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“Mum’s Laptop Woe” (a Very British Local News Story)

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) British, comedy, Humor, Humour, News , , , ,

To use its full title, “Mum’s laptop woe as Amazon box contains cornflakes” is quite honestly a thing of local news beauty.

Published on 24th December, the BBC article (linked above) doesn’t contain the news bulletin VT. Someone would have to record it manually within 24 hours, before the transmission was replaced with the following day’s news. But who would be sad enough to do that? Oh, wait, that would be me.

(And before stones are thrown, the recording boiled down to me filming my laptop through my phone. If anything I think it adds to the effect.)

Give this a watch and let’s compare notes afterwards.

Here are some of my personal highlights:

  • The dramatic reconstruction of ‘opening the parcel’
  • Lizzie’s revelation: opening a parcel in December, two months after receiving it
  • “This isn’t an isolated case” in Lichfield
  • Lizzie’s fears for other disappointed children
  • (And, best of all) Lizzie demanding people are made to open their parcels in front of delivery drivers

I probably shouldn’t laugh, but I will. And saying this could have been avoided if someone had forced her to open the parcel on the doorstep?

It also begs a lot of other questions…

1) How much money did Lizzie pay for this laptop? (As she and her daughter scroll through a shopping site at the end of the VT, you can see every laptop is priced at £500+. If Lizzie paid that much shouldn’t the gripe be that she was conned? If she didn’t pay that much, how can you be surprised this happened?)

2) Surely you’d know the parcel wasn’t the right weight for a laptop? Unless those boxes of cornflakes are stuffed with rocks

2.5) Why gluten free cornflakes?

3) Did Lizzie convince her friend in Lichfield to also buy the same product from the same seller?

3.5) When did Lizzie’s friend find out she’d been conned?

4) What sane person wraps up their parcels before checking their contents? Yes, the product might not be as advertised, but it could have also been damaged in transit. Very important details you’d need to know before gifting on.

5) What craziness is this demand of opening parcels on doorsteps? Lizzie, be reasonable here.

And finally 6) what ten year old kid gets a laptop for SATs revision? (And if this is commonplace nowadays it only serves as further proof that I was born in the wrong century.)

Conclusion

In all the craziness of the world right now there is one thing we can all take away and that one thing is this this news article. Local news, don’t ever change.

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“The Swindon Plaque” says a lot about this English town

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) comedy, Humor, Humour, Swindon , ,

This isn’t particularly breaking news, but for those of you who may have missed it (or needed reminding about the wonders of Swindon, the town I live in), may I direct you to our council’s recent attempt to celebrate the district’s invaluable key workers.

Ladies and gentlemen, this plaque:

Have you spotted the mistake? Trick question, the whole thing is a hot mess.

Apparently the Covid 19 pandemic apparently started in 2019…I’m sorry, what?

I’ve heard all manner of conspiracy theories about Covid 19, but the one about it starting a whole year before the start of the UK lockdown? Now that’s something.

The town I live in, the town I pay my council tax to…seesh.

And on that note, I’m off to get myself a very strong cup of coffee.

(Full article can be found here (BBC News). Alternatively search for it online, there’s a lot of high-quality journalism out there.)

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Alice Likes Honey

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) comedy, Europe, food, Humor, Humour, Travel , ,

A new thing I’ve discovered, honey sachets!

I am fully aware of the existence of both honey and sachets but the two together? Ruddy marvellous.

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