From the makers of Seven Degrees of Pie, ladies and gentlemen, I present you with the collage-card I gifted my sister for her birthday:
Now, I know how it looks. It looks like I found a really old newspaper, cut it up and threw it altogether to squeeze into a birthday card…
In my defence, I didn’t realise the coupon for the iweekend newspaper was dated.
Besides, who couldn’t be left in absolute awe over the contents of this birthday card? It has words such as “amazing”, “5*”, “Discover Paradise”, and a inserts of a pilot with a ukulele and Richard Madeley with a knowing smile.
I obviously threw in some smudgy words into the gap before handing it to her, but we all know the real reason why it’s a birthday card she won’t forget in a hurry. After all, you know what they say, “don’t judge a [generic greetings card] by its cover.”
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Hello, present-day Alice here. I found this post deep in my draft archives, 2021 deep. On one hand I have no idea why it never got posted, and on the other hand I have every idea.
While some things have changed since this was first drafted (notably the fact I was very much single in 2021), you’ll be pleased to know the cooking skills are still as horrific now as they were then. I did it then, and I have no doubt I’d do it all over again if given half the chance…and a courgette.
So, that in mind, enjoy. AEB
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You know how when someone says they’re a fat person in a skinny person’s body, you nod along? Well, I am that person, the one who doesn’t understand how she’s not yet stuck in a doorway.
I honestly think the only reason I’m still a healthy weight is be because I’m a slave in the Matrix, and the aliens are milking me for battery juice. (It’s a normal thought process to have, right?)
Take this evening and my portion control when it comes to this mass-produced Quorn Spaghetti Bolognese:
(FYI, not a vegetarian, just trying to do my bit for the planet…and stop Paul McCartney coming after me.)
And yes, there are also frozen vegetables in there, but let’s not dwell on the lengths I go to to ‘stodge-out’ a meal.
The thing is, it was a perfectly normal* (*Alice’s version of normal) meal. But then I had this courgette. And the courgette was on the turn (it was a little bit squidgy), but it was something Mumma B had given to me, so I was determined to not let it go to waste. But the mince-stuff was already cooked and rapidly burning.
Basically, I panicked.
I hurry-sliced the courgette, coated it in black pepper, drowned it in olive oil and then threw it in the oven. I don’t know why, I just did. And even as I type this, I am very much aware this is an Alice-world problem.
Anyway, about ten minutes later (Married at First Sight was on and I may have got distracted), I retrieved the cooked-baked mush that was once a courgette and dolloped it onto my dinner plate. By now the pasta was stodgy and the mince mostly burnt on the bottom of the pan. To add to this, I didn’t quite feel satisfied that the first picture illustrated the large portion of food I had on my plate. So what did I do?
Yes, that’s right, I compared it to the size of a teabag.
This, this is what I do for content. Jeeze.
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This one comes from the Alice archives, from a time when I was channel flicking and came across this beauty of a clip from the Channel 4 reality TV show, “Celebs Go Dating”. I recorded it on my phone, hence the iffy quality, but it’s still a classic.
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For anyone pondering ideas for any future birthdays, Christmases, other religious occasions…celebrating your teacher (actually, maybe not the celebrating your teacher), but for everyone else, there is this:
Created exclusively for the RA Editions programme, this new sculpture by Marina Abramović Hon RA is based on a drawing made by the artist whilst living in Australia.
Produced as an edition of fifty in cast and blackened iron, Abramović has painted the eyes individually by hand, giving each rock its own unique character. The sculptures are initialled and numbered on the base and presented in a stamped cedar wood box. Each is accompanied by a card signed by the artist, as well as a certificate of authenticity.
Due to the hand-finished nature, each sculpture is unique.
Retail price: £2950* (*as of May 2024)
£2950?! 2.9.5.0?! Are you actually kidding me? As per Mumma B’s general steer on art, “if Alice could do it, it’s not ‘Art'” and ladies and gentleman, I am quite sure this is something I could do.
Now, before we all start jumping in our cars and heading for the nearest beach, it is worth noting that the creator of this artwork is Marina Abramović. Marina Abramović, as in, the Serbian artist who makes visitors walk between naked people to gain entry to her exhibitions. Marina Abramović, who drinks water more seductively than Nigella Lawson on a Christmas cooking extravaganza:
Marina Abramović, who just basically gets her kicks from performance/shock art.
I was going to add another video to prove my point, but every one ended up with a naked Marina Abramović, or some other woman flashing me, and no one needs that without at least a trigger warning. In the space of thirty minutes I viewed enough of Marina Abramović’s body that it both ruined my related videos feed on YouTube and led to some very awkward suggested adverts.
Goes to show, if you call it “Art” then anything goes.
I appreciate it’s a bit belated, considering the article was penned on 29th January, but honestly this article is quite possibly the best thing you’ll read all year.
Brought to you by local newspaper the Swindon Advertiser, “Swindon bin bag travels 15 minutes from home” follows the story of a lost recycling bag which, you guessed it, was blown away in recent storms, ending up a location that is 15 minutes away by foot.
“I expected to see an address on it for my street…but was shocked to see the Church’s name on it as that is a fair distance for it to be blown in the wind…I placed it on the railings where I found it and decided the decent thing to do was post its location so someone could inform the church where to find it.” Emma Viggers, Swindon resident
The best bit comes at the end. After an article detailing the recycling bag’s journey, we get this as a journalistic afterthought:
Meanwhile, a structure at the Abbey Stadium was also damaged.
Cast your mind back to a time before Christmas (Why? Because I may have forgot I was wearing a Christmas jumper at the time and it makes continuity a bit of a nightmare)…
Boyfriend Ben and I had a great time visiting The Making of Harry Potter Studio Tour in Watford. A year in the making (not joking), we had lots of fun exploring the Harry Potter sets and Ben telling me what it meant.
(Just don’t tell anyone I stopped reading the HP series when I was about 15 and a third into Order of the Phoenix.)
Jokes aside, we both had a really good time (so much so it’s got me wanting to watch the films again, much to Ben’s delight).
I also drank too much butterbeer and the foam puffed out my cheeks like a moustached chipmunk.
Watford wasn’t too shabby as a place either! Especially the cocktails…
From Watford, we went back down to London and spent a few days there. This included a birthday surprise from Ben when he took me to a lovely restaurant on the Thames, followed by a night of laughs watching The Play That Goes Wrong on the West End.
And the birthday celebrations were rounded off with cake and a cat.
We had a wonderful time with plenty of memories to carry with us into 2024. That, and copious amounts of toiletries I took from the various hotel rooms (sorry, not sorry).
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Just back having spent a lovely couple of days in the New Forest town of Lymington (England). Boyfriend Ben was busy attending to work matters and, with me having copious amounts of annual leave left to take, I thought I’d have another go at exploring.
Unlike last year, when I visited neighbouring Lyndhurst, this time I didn’t get ill from Norovirus (actual yay!!)
I didn’t take many snaps for a few key reasons:
I was only in Lymington for two full days
I spent most of that time in coffee shops and eateries, reading books or writing like the Devil himself
Other reasons:
I visited the St Barbe Museum & Art Gallery, but they had a policy of not taking photos in the gallery (which is fair enough)
It’s November, things get dark from 16:30
I walked up and down the main High Street so many times I felt I was one selfie away from being branded a loitering millennial
Pulling together videos takes time, especially when…
I’m also taking part in a personally adapted version of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) this year
But hey! Here are a couple of snaps I did manage to take. (All of which from around the quay at the moment I thought “I should probably take a photo for the website”)
There’s a nature reserve (located next to a busy stretch of road – you wouldn’t know it!)
There are ferries to the Isle of Wight (which I didn’t utilise, but I did walk up to with no intention of boarding. I went right to the edge and thought “huh, so that’s what the ferries look like up close. Okay,” then retraced my steps back to the quay. Valid use of an hour’s walking with a laptop strapped to my back, if ever there was one.
There was also the mini event of the train cutting over the quay, which felt strange and yet very watchable.
And then there’s me, hello!
In conclusion
Lymington is a wonderful place to visit for a short break, particularly around this time of year (November), when things are less crowded vs the high/school holiday season.
I stayed within the town throughout my stay but there are plenty of other local attractions within the New Forest for those wanting to explore, alongside the car/foot passenger ferry to the Isle of Wight. Lymington is accessible by car and serviced by two train stations, one of which being only a couple of minute’s walk from the town centre.
For what it’s worth, these were the coffee/catering I visited* (*I visited other establishments which formed part of nationally recognised chains, so I’ll celebrate the independents instead!)
After battling a mouthful of disappointment, I just wanted to highlight how much of a travesty Jus-Rol‘s cinnamon swirls rebrand is.
In the simplest of terms, it’s awful.
For those less aware of its previous incarnations, Jus-Rol’s cinnamon swirls is a ready-to-bake product. What it offers to the market is something straightforward and quick, providing the same results of freshy made pastry, without the time and stress needed to make a batch from scratch.
To quote Jus-Rol’s website:
“Jus-Rol’s ready to bake Cinnamon Swirls are a perfectly easy way to bake your family a tasty morning treat at home. Just shape, bake and enjoy warm from the oven. The aroma will fill your kitchen with joy as they bake up.”
Making Jus-Rol cinnamon swirls was easy. You took it out of the tube, split the cylinder of pre-filled pastry into six and then whacked it into the oven, cooking for a defined period of time and icing once cooled.
Now the process is several steps longer and ten times worse. Instead of one pot for icing sugar, now you get two, one for the icing sugar and one for the “cinnamon filling” which looks more like chocolate spread and smells of nothing.
Even if we park the creation of needless plastic packaging, it is hard to overlook the messy complexity created by the introduction this modest little pot. Once the filling is smeared across a flat rectangle of raw pastry, the consumer then has to roll the pastry and only then cutting it into six.
Thanks to this step, the cinnamon goes absolutely everywhere. Some pieces were left drowning in brown paste, others with barely a scrap inside. Some swirls were trying to uncurl and others kept oozing.
Turns out whacking them into the oven doesn’t help much either. Cast your mind back to the picture on the Jus-Rol box and compare it to what we got.
While we can all laugh at mis-shaped pastries, it doesn’t compare to how they used to look with the old recipe.
Here’s hoping Jus-Rol listen to this feedback on and tossing aside whichever team of dingbats thought it was a good idea to implement cost-cutting, planet harming, changes to a classic.
Have you also experienced this frustration? Drop a comment below and/or contact Jus-Rol’s customer service team via their website, Jus-Rol (jusrol.co.uk)
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Amazon have yet to implement a policy forcing people to open parcels on the doorstep (sorry Lizzie)
It’s happened again!
As spotted on a social media platform (for the sake of argument, let’s call said social media platform “Gacebook”):
Image reads: Amazon Warning!!!! I want to make our community aware so this doesn’t happen to anyone else. I ordered an iPad Air of Amazon certified seller and received a pack of cleaning wipes. Package was tampered with. I managed to grab the driver to return the item. He said he could not change the delivered status. He rung his boss and who said to him, ‘bring the wipes back and we’ll get her sent out an item tomorrow’. Needless to say the iPad never turned up. After several calls to Amazon Customer Services I am still unable to change the status of the delivery to returned until the driver has done so. I know this will not happen. Its currently being investigated by Amazon customer services.
Another instance of someone trying to buy an Apple product, only this time they got duped with surface wipes.
I don’t know why I should be surprised and really it is a terrible thing that people are being unfairly mugged off in such a way, but it still amazed me when I saw it appear on my social media feed.
That, or it could be a sign that I need to get a life.
As a thirty year old, eating blueberry yoghurt from the tub and watching reruns of The Hills I’m going to decline the opportunity to comment. I’d only dig myself into a bigger yoghurt-based hole.
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My Housemate's a Mermaid 