Author: My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett)

Nablopomo Day 10: The John Lewis Christmas Advert 2016 – Who’s Cleaning up the Animal Poop?

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Christmas, Humor, Humour , , ,

In the UK, the John Lewis Christmas ad is kinda a big deal. In recent years it’s created a tadition of being the most finically invested, beautifully created and, therefore, most anticipated television advert of the year. It’s not acceptable to eat a mince pie until the John Lewis Christmas advert has broadcast on television sets.

Based on that, I present to you the John Lewis Christmas advert 2016 – #BusterTheBoxer.

You’re going to need to watch this for context to the below:

 

Now I’ve/you’ve seen the full advert, here are a few thoughts. My very British thoughts.

  • #BusterTheBoxer is not an acceptable title for a beautiful and/or Christmas advert. You guys spent £1 million on production and you couldn’t produce a better title than a hashtag? You guys charged per word or somthing?
  • That dog isn’t cute.
  • Whatever happened to nodding dogs?
  • That girl is going to destroy her bed.
  • I’m sorry, what decent parenting allows their kid to get away with that much bouncing?
  • Anyone who has ever been a kid/parent (i.e. everyone) knows that expecting a child to sleep on Christmas eve and not react to clattering in the garden is expecting way too much.
  • Goodbye to your chances of getting Alan Titchmarsh to redesign your garden. That thing is a beast and is going to kill off your grass to buggery.
  • Also – good luck mowing around that mate.
  • Ok, I’m going to have to suspend reality for a bit here I can see.
  • That is cute.
  • Oh no, don’t invite the hedgehog on, with his spikes that is a minor injury waiting to happen. I hope the dad kept the receipt, spike damage on a trampoline is going to be pret-ty noticable.
  • Mate, I wouldn’t be too down about it, with that many animals on there you wouldn’t reach optinmum bounce anyway.
  • Never snows on Christmas.
  • That trampoline is far too clean. You’re expecting me to believe that the animals of Farthing wood all came down and had a massive garden party on that thing and there’s no foot prints, scratches or poop on that thing? That thing should be reaking of ferral animal right now. Unless we skipped the scene where Peter Rabbish and Jemima Puddle-Duck came down and cleaned it up?
  • Real unattractive dog gets upstarted by CGI unattaractive dog.
  • Ok, I guess it is kida cute though.
  • Why do all the humans look so confused/stoned? Given their reaction shouldn’t the overall message be “Christmas is for sharing, idiots”?
  • Well that was nice, I actually needed that. Oh wait, Trump is still going to be president, better get back to screaming into a pillow and ditching Christmas presents for stocking up on tinned goods!

Gotta love the John Lewis Christmas advert.

Nablopomo Day 9: Speechless (US Presidential Elections 2016 – Results)

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) America, politics , ,

I saw this in the magazine aisle today and it made me very sad. Sad and concerned.

rtr.png

It’s official, the American people have voted in Donald J. Trump to be their next president and, by default, one of the leaders of the free world. Donald Trump. Trump.

I’m sorry, I am really trying here, but I fail to see why anyone would/did vote for this man. There’s nothing about him that makes him suitable for the position. Neither his CV nor his personality lends itself to the role in anyway. The only thing (and it’s such a slim thing) is that my colleague suggested that given Trump and our own Nigel Farage are so chummy, maybe we’ll get a trade deal with America, but that’s such a pie in the sky thing.

I guess now it’s my turn to question and generalise all American voters in the same why Europeans did to us when as a nation we voted for Brexit. It doesn’t feel as good or smug as I thought it would. In a world where Russia grows stronger, terrorists get more media attention than they deserve and Toblerone decide to radically cut down the chocolate content of bars I don’t know what to think or believe anymore.

Jesus Christ America, what have you done?

Nablopomo Day 8: The Lesser of Two Evils (US General Election 2016)

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) America, Humor, Humour, politics , ,

Given the countless number of blog posts, news articles, Facebook posts and general trollers out there, I’m going to keep this as short and sweet as possible. When it comes to my views on the Democratic nominee Hilary Clinton and the Republican contender Donald Trump, my opinion on the US general election 2016 is the same as my opinions on the 2012 general election. In fact they’re also the same as those felt for the 2008 general election, the 2004 general election and, had I not been so obsessed with Pokémon and rolling in mud, it probably would have been the same in 2000. My thoughts can be summed up in one statement is this:

Please America, just pick the normal one. The lesser of two evils.

It’s not too hard to do. Look, the other candidate has even been discovered as a massive homophobic/communist/sexist/racist/idiot. See! They’ve even admitted to it! (Wait, why are these people cheering?)

What I think I struggle with most about this election is that in a country of 324,707,000 people the two people put forward to rule country and, arguably, the world are not liked by anyone in said country. It genuinely makes no sense. Big shocker – the normal one everyone usually falls back on isn’t actually quite the saint everyone desperately wanted to be. Suddenly everyone would rather former President Hoover was resurrected and brought back to stand office – and he was the man that caused the Great Depression of 1929-1945.

Now, I know in the UK we’re not quite up there in size with America but I’m going to say one thing – British Empire. Ok, so that in mind, I’d say we can draw fair comparisons between our two political spectrums. How come when our former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, was caught on tape in 2010 describing a voter as a ‘bigoted woman’, it literally spelt the end of his political carrier, yet Donald Trump has woman after woman claiming indecent assault and he is somehow able to shrug it off? If you told me our two countries were inhabited by creatures as different as fish and unicorns I’d understand, but on the surface the only things separating us (and I’m going to overly generalise here) are our differing accents and Wendy’s. So why are we in this position? Why am I going to bed thinking the same thing on a four year rotation? And why is it getting progressively worse each time? If the slightly better candidate gets in this time, are we only delaying the inevitable car crash when, in four years’ time, I’ll switch on my TV to see the political debate being fought over by Big Bird and Barney the Dinosaur?

I know it’s too late for this election. The nominees were decided months ago and your votes have well and truly been cast. The decision has been made. However, whatever the result tonight/tomorrow, America I ask of you only this:

For the love of God, don’t screw our planet up.

 

Nablopomo Day 6: Holidays Are Coming

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Christmas, Humour , , ,

The lights have ended and the bangs have fizzled away. The embers have faded and the ash is sodden. November 5 is over.

With the completion of bonfire night we herald in the preparations for the next event, something which, like it or not, is bigger than all the corporate western festivals (Valentines, Easter, Mother’s, Father’s day, Halloween…) all of them put together. To name this religious festival is to ring in all the spectrum of human emotion, reaction and opinion. To interpret it is to incite heated debate.

If you still do not know of the season I am referring to, let me enlighten you with the assistance of a video which traditionally marks the beginning of the festive season. A jingle which sees people dust off their themed jumpers and superstores follow suit with television adverts months in the making. The famous advert has taken many forms over the years, but the message remains the same. The message is simply this:

“The Holidays Are Coming”

Nablopomo Day 5: Fireworks Night

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) fireworks, Humour , ,

Happy Guy Fawkes Day, alias bonfire/firework night.

Now, I’m not really sure how if this is a ‘thing’ across the world. If it is I’m fairly certain the history behind it is unknown to most people (it’s unknown to a worrying amount of people in this country). Luckily my favourite show ever, Horrible Histories, is on hand to give a brief summary to the plot:

See kids, History is cool!

In recent years Halloween has started to somewhat overtake bonfire night in terms of public status. I mean Halloween has spooky creatures, sweets and sugar skulls whereas bonfire night is all about rained off events, dodgy Chinese fireworks and safety videos that give you nightmares.

That scream.

This year though I’ve made a conscious effort to remember bonfire night which is why I’m heading to a display tonight. It also gives me the excuse to dance about to Katy Perry’s song Firework as I prepare my outfit choice (consisting of many, many layers of jumpers). In truth, firework displays usually give me terrible headache and neck crane injuries that last for days afterwards. They normally always end in an anti-climax, where you never really know when the display has actually finished on account of the massive gaps left between each set of fireworks being set off. And don’t get me started on the whole “check your bonfires for hedgehogs” warnings, I still get worked up if I see people making bonfires days beforehand.

What I do like about bonfire night though is what follows after. After bonfire night we are on the home stretch for Christmas, and that is festival I can get behind.

That in mind, bring on the fireworks!

 

Nablopomo Day 4: On Going from Blogger to Newspaper Reporter

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Humour, newspaper , ,

As well as the 9-5 jobbing, blogging, managing social grouping, gyming, and the occasional bit of baking, I’ve recently been appointed as the events and features reporter at The Swindonian online newspaper. Eek, exciting stuff! It marks the start of a new platform and readership base (it also goes to show I must be doing an alright job thus far).

Feedback so far has been very positive and I’ve already been do a couple of event write ups. After that I’m keen to get my teeth stuck into the next article. Who knew, I actually don’t need to rely on photos to do a solid bit of writing.

In celebration of my first article (and also on the eve of Saturday) here is the link to discover how to have a cultured morning in Swindon. Enjoy.

http://www.theswindonian.co.uk/25316/246593/a/how-to-have-a-cultured-morning-in-swindon

 

Nabloposmo Day 3: Common Office Jargon – a Translation Guide

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Humor, Humour, Office ,

A simple translation guide for the generic terminology and sayings normally heard around an office environment.

 General Conversation

 “Hi, how are you?” – I’m making small talk with you because it’s polite.

“Good thanks, you?” – I’m responding to your small talk with a simple answer so we can get to business.

“Hey, are you busy?” – The answer to this question is irrelevant, you’re about to be given something to do.

“I don’t suppose you can have a look at this with me?” – I value your opinions on this and need to cover my arse if it all goes belly up.

“We need to go back to the supplier and tell them…” – Either myself or you need to get in touch with the supplier and explain this (ideally you).

“The deadline is flexible” – There’s a bit of leeway for when this work needs to be finished.

“This is a firm deadline” – You’re in big trouble if you don’t get this work completed on time.

“Only if it’s not too much trouble” – Even if it is too much trouble you’re still doing this for me.

“Roy from accounts is a #*&@+~>#!!” – “Roy from accounts is not my favourite person.”

“*various expletives shouted at screen*” – perhaps now is a good time to keep your head down.

“Going forward” –  Based on the past, this is what can/will be improved in the future, hopefully. Conversational example, “the office block caught on fire last week. What can we learn from this?” “Well, going forward we now know that fires are started by hot things.”

Telephone Etiquette

“Hello, The John Smith Glitter Company, we make your dreams sparkle and shine, Alice speaking, how may I help?” – I’m dying a little inside every time I answer the phone. I dare you to ask me to repeat that again.

“I’m sorry, they’re in a meeting right now” – there are various places they could be, but it’s not here.

“Let me give you her email” – my colleague doesn’t want you to be constantly calling, but if they’re interested they will be in touch. More likely not, but let’s keep you hoping.

“Can I get that in writing?” – there’s either too much information to process or I’m covering my backside in case I need to refer to this later on.

“We really value your custom” – (Customer Services) We don’t really care either way. (Everyone else) I’m either sucking up to you or apologising on someone’s else’s behalf.

Singular vs Plural

“The printer is useless” – the thing in the corner is broken, again.

“The printers are useless” – our suppliers are not quite putting 100% effort in.

Other Terminology

Synergy – A fancy word used in presentations. Meaning: unknown.

Working from home – they’re at home watching daytime TV.

Meetings – where everyone gathers to discuss things. Degrees of importance/length vary, as does quality of snack and refreshment items.

Training Course – a session used to expand your knowledge or understanding of a particular element. The ‘fun’ ones are usually compulsory.

Expenses – Depending on where you work and what you do, you can sometimes claim money back on things purchased (e.g. train tickets, food, coffee, three course lunches, first class plane tickets, a BMW…).

Expense Claims – Pulling every trick/excuse in the book to get your money back from finance.

Annual Leave – the best piece of legislation ever enforced (just so long as you don’t log into the work email).

Missed any? Let me know in the comments below!