https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/leap/
She knew everything.
She knew why the grass was green and trees were so tall. She knew where food came from and why water was important. She knew that eyes were for observing and learning and that voices were for cheering or silencing. She knew that dark skies meant progress, and her hunger was caused by enemy greed. She knew of hard work and one cause. The Cause. She knew of a protecting Leader and a hopeful future.
She knew nothing.
Thursday 18th February
*Just heading back to the office. Text later. Xx*
“Jesus! You alright love?!”
“Do I look alright?! No, really! Am I hurt?”
“Urm, no, just blood. A lot of blood.”
“Ok, thanks. See ya!”
“Wait! Are you sure you’re ok?! You’ve just fallen over!”
“I’m fine thanks!”
***
“No, I can still use my hands. I didn’t put my hands out to save myself. I don’t know why. I was carrying a bag in one hand, the other didn’t come out in time. No, no recent brain surgery. No, I can read. No, I didn’t black out. No, there’s no history of epileptic fits in my family. No, I can’t see my face for bruising. It hurts everywhere. No, I can’t pin point it down, it all hurts. Yes, I’m pretty sure it’s due to the fall. I fell on my face. No, I told you my hands are fine. I don’t know how serious it is, that’s why I’m calling you. Yes, I can talk still. No, I hadn’t been drinking. No, I don’t have any blood related diseases…”
***
“Here, shall I take photos of you before I bandage you up?”
“Urm, sure. Is it that bad?”
“Lets say you’ll want to see this when you’re all bandaged up. Have you got a camera?”
“Yeah, here you go.”
“I’ll take a few…”
“…Wow, this is a very good camera. Injuries in high definition! You’ll love looking back at these later! Something to put up to get followers.”
“Thanks?”
“Ok, you’re going to scar on your foot. They let the skin dry and I doubt we can save it.”
“That’s ok. It’s only small. I care more about my face if I have to be honest.”
“Wait there, I’ve got to discuss how we’re going to do this with someone else. You’re pretty bad and I want to avoid you scaring.”
“Sure, I mean no scaring to the face would be preferable.”
***
“How did you do that? You walk that same route everyday.”
“Why didn’t you use your hands?”
“Your face actually hit the pavement?”
“Where are you now? Did your parents come and pick you up in the end?”
***
Friday – Sunday
*Why can’t I sleep? Why won’t the tablets work? Someone, anyone, please just take this pain away. Give me extra days bed bound and bored, or a passing dizzy spell, but the pain. Please just leave me for a couple of hours so I can sleep.*
***
Sunday
“Are you ok? You seem pretty down today”
“I just have no energy. What energy I do have I can’t use because I can’t walk without pain. I can’t do anything for myself.”
***
“India, help bring the bags in for Alice.”
***
“We’re concerned for her, she’s in pain. It’s her knee, her hands are fine. Yeah, her knee must have gone down then her face. No, her hands are fine. Would you say she should go to minor injuries? Yep, that’s what we thought. Warwick or Stratford? Ok, and her face, they’ve told her to keep these bandages on, but what do you think? She thinks it’s just grazing, but the nurses at Swindon said she had to wear them for a week before taking them off. Yep, we thought that was the case, but then we’re not medics in this house! Ok, thanks Jill.”
***
Monday
“So you fell on Thursday and your knee is still bad?”
“Yes.”
“When you fell did you make any attempt to save yourself?”
“No, I hit the pavement with my face and knee. I don’t know why but I failed to use my hands.”
“Did you black out perhaps? What caused you to fall?”
“I didn’t black out, there was a man there. He was chatting to his friend on the phone. I don’t know what caused the fall, I wasn’t looking at my feet at the time.”
“Well, the x rays show that nothing is broken. Just rest it up and let nature take it’s time. Don’t rush to put weight on it and try to not walk long distances for a couple of days.”
“I walk a lot. I don’t have a car, so there’s little I can do about that.”
“Sorry, we don’t give crutches out unless the bone is broken. It’s for the best if you manage without one.”
***
Monday
“Ah, so you saw the photos then! Yeah, she insisted they took photos of her face so she could show her boss or write some blog post on it. You know what they’re like nowadays. No, she didn’t use her hands. None of us really know why, but then these things happen. Almost happened to me the other day. Case of slow reactions I suppose and how you trip up. No, she hasn’t looked into any no win, no fee agencies. Why? Should she…?”
***
Tuesday
“You sure you’re ok to go back to work?”
“I’m ready to go back. I want to get on with life now. I’m done with being dependant, unable to do anything while life goes on around me.”
***
Wednesday (today)
“Alice! You’re back? How are you feeling?”
“Let me know if I can help in any way. Can I get you anything from town?”
“Aren’t those the shoes you fell over in?”
“Huh, guess they are. Blood stained and tainted with bad memories. I’ll have to buy some more when I can.”
“Come on you, let’s get you back home.”
It’s been a roller coaster week, but for once I’m thankful that the world keeps spinning.
Happy 15th February!
How you react to that opening line will determine so much about your personality. If you are in a relationship, do not own a calendar or just have yet to find the TV remote from the bottom of the Christmas sweet wrappers (big up my piggy hermits), then this day will mean nothing to you. If, however, you are single (be it happily or unhappily) this statement screams one thing:
HALF PRICE CHOCOLATE DAY!
A day where (in theory) all the loved up couples can move along with their roses and stuffed teddy bears and make way while the singletons of this world feast on the leftovers. Granted, that’s a desperate and somewhat depressing way of looking at it, but that’s really what it’s all about.
For me it’s simply another year, another day eating cereal, another evening wondering if I should actually have a go at ironing that nice shirt I’ve only worn once. My Valentine’s meal for instance was this bad boy:
For me personally the day has no great bearing on my life in the same manner that it used to. Last year for example I proposed that single folk be allowed to celebrate Shrove Tuesday, alias Pancake Day, in the same over-the-top manner couples tend to apply to Valentine’s day. Still waiting for the Archdeacon and the Pope to get back to me on that marketing idea.
But although I don’t care about V Day nearly as much as I used to, I know and am sure of plenty of other people out there who probably do care about their single status at this time of year. How do I know this? Because I’ve been there. Let me take you back… (wiggle lines, wiggle lines…)
(This will help set the tone)
Back in the mid 00’s was a meh-time to be a young person in the Cotswolds. I studied at an average sized school with a uniform that basically consisted of a baggy jumper and long skirts, however because we were conservative in every sense us girls were spared the torment of wearing a tie. With my hair forever tied back and the world’s thickest fringe, at the age of 15 I was hardly going to win any beauty awards.
Into this mix of greasy hair and textbooks the school decided to up the social pressure. Every year around Valentine’s they set up a stall to encourage students to buy their loved one or crush a rose. You’d pay £4 (a pricey figure, just think how many Starbursts you could buy for that!?) to reorder and then ever year on, or close to, the 14th, students would come round form rooms reading out names and handing roses over to lucky students (often girls) who in turn would squeal and compare numbers received. Some girls got just the one from her boyfriend, others would t four or even five.
Guess how roses yours truly ever received.
Now don’t go all sympathetic on me now, you’re years too late. Looking back on it, the popular girls were in fact buying roses for their friends, or worse, themselves and by lunch time people were dashing about with wet paper towels in a desperate bid to keep the cheap, dead, things alive. Sat here now it seems like a joke. A highly profitable one.
At the time though I felt rubbish. Why didn’t anyone want to give me a rose? The world around me is screaming that this is the season of love. It’s in shops, online, heck, even CBBC is playing romantic episodes of cartoons, or that Tracy Beaker episode where she gets it off with that geeky guy.
Thank God it was a teenage phase and once at University it had thoroughly passed. But with all the lovey dovey stuff going on at this time of year it got me thinking: why isn’t there a semi-official day for those who are single? For instance, in China it’s actually a big deal, it’s actually bigger than Valentine’s Day itself:
Yet in this country (and the West in general) we don’t seem to do anything. Many years ago on the television show The Apprentice, the teams were tasked with creating a new commercial festival. One team came up with Green Earth day (kinda failed given you were supposed to send cards to each other), the other put forward the idea of celebrating single people (including widowers, single parent families and single people in general). They won the task hands down, the commercial companies only complaining over their choice of date. The 15th February was seen as too close to V Day.
Despite the companies declaring (much to their surprise) that The Apprentice had actually cottoned onto a brilliant idea, nothing ever happened following on from the show. A year later another series rolled onto our screens and the same companies went back to rolling their eyes at cat pyjamas.
Now I’m not saying card shops need to start radically commercialising another aspect of our lives, but does it not seem just a little unfair that we live in a society that openly celebrates those who are together, but not those who are not (even if the choice is not always theirs?) As a single person (oh yeah, by the way, I’m single) it would be nice to have a day which was unattached to V Day, a day where we could get cheaper cinema tickets, get store discounts or even go to somewhere knowing that I could have a good time and if Mr Darcy happens to be two rows in front then yippee there’s a good chance he’s single!
But taking me out of the equation, I think it would help those who find the whole V Day experience rather depressing. Here would be a day that says “you’re not alone, we all love you just as you are” a day where you can buy chocolate for yourself and not have to ignore the big “I Love You – reduced, now 50p” heart-shaped box. With the rise of social media in the past 10 years it’s no wonder that more and more people are feeling depressed. It’s bad enough with people taking endless selfies or boosting about their amazing lives, but Valentine’s just takes it one stage further. One overrated event is blown vastly out of proportion and we have nothing to balance it out.
Again, I’d like to stress that despite my rantiness over the subject, I personally do not have any feelings towards Valentine’s Day. Don’t get me wrong, when I actually do go through the 14th February for the first time with boyfriend in tow I’m sure I’ll be absolutely unbearable. There’ll be chocolate and teddy bears and expensive meals galore (at least one of us will be getting that at least). But right now I don’t see the harm in bringing in a National Singles Day, at least trying it out. The best thing I ever received on Valentine’s was a bag of fingers and this message from my housemate while at University:
It was a little message but it meant so much. It also came around the same time that I finally started to realise that I didn’t need to change or be made to change to fit in or be liked. I was thoroughly respected and loved already. We often say or think things but don’t realise how much a difference it can make to someone to see it written down.
If the commercial companies are failing to acknowledge and clock onto the single market, then what’s to stop us creating one for ourselves. A card, a posit note, just once day where we can say to someone “you’re single and that’s actually not a bad thing. You’re pretty awesome and I wouldn’t want you any other way. Now, lets watch Bake Off.”
Oh, and FYI supermarkets, I know what your game is. I w into several of your establishments today and found no trace of reduced chocolate. Try and palm off your roses on me? Hah! Keep them! You can try and convince us as much as you like to try and buy full price Easter chocolate instead but seriously how stupid do you think we are. Never underestimate us singletons. We don’t have to think about others when we shop. Our standards may be low but by golly or savviness and spending potential is high. And don’t you go forgetting that.
I’ve been to the gym, my feet are sore and I couldn’t think of a witty title for this post. On the upside if you’re reading this you know what you’re getting. Don’t come crawling back to me in 15 minutes time and say “oh Alice, I was expecting a post on Manta Rays. You’ve let me down”. No, you can’t say that because the title clearly states this post will be on Cosmopolitan Magazine (hereafter Cosmo). No refunds given on wasted time.
I decided to buy a copy of Cosmo magazine the other day. The last time I bought this magazine was probably back when I was studying for my GCSEs aged 16. I treated as my little naughty secret. “Oh my God it has the S.E.X word on it! Better not show mum, I’ll hide it in my bag.” “Buy anything in town?” “Nope! Nothing!”
Back when I was 16 I knew little of the world and in such an impressionable state I believed pretty much everything that was written in Cosmo. “When I’m a young professional I will be at the fashionable cocktail bars with my girl friends and all the guys will be male models. We’ll talk about clothes and make up and naughty things and horoscopes and our amazing careers and everything will be amazing.”
About seven years down the line I made the impulse decision to buy a copy of Cosmo.
(Do you like my bedding? You’ll be seeing a lot of it).
There were three factors behind my decision to purchase this. a) I am starting to draft up ideas for this book I’m going to write and the target audience is the sort of person who might buy this (Alice is trying to be down with the kids). b) It’s only £1 (back in my day Cosmo was a luxury item, it was about £3.50 to buy) and c) pure curiosity. Purchase made, I couldn’t wait to take a trip down memory lane and see what Cosmo was like nowadays.
My God it was awful.
A glance at the cover should have really warned me what I was about to expect, but blinded by girlish excitement I chose to overlook it.
The make up and fashion advice this month all revolved around the colour pink. It took me about a week to realise that the colour pink was selected most likely because of Valentine’s day on the 14th February. It was a tedious link, I mean why should wearing pink make you any more likely to bag a guy. Take this article for example:
Ok, I see what they’re trying to put across here. I mean I have told myself I’m going to try out with make up this year. I wonder how glamourous I can look if I do this right?
Hmm I’ll pass.
Cosmo does a lot on upcoming trends and how to rock the look. However I did feel at times they were wasting their time and printing ink on questions that could be answered in only a couple of words. Example:
Answer: Don’t wear them in the first place
And it wouldn’t be Cosmo with a piece of WTF advise:
At this time all I could think is “is this seriously happening right now? It’s got to be a joke, surely?” But oooh no, it’s 100% serious. Look, they even tell you how to style your hair with bakery names!
I only hope someone has warned Gregs about the impending wave of young people coming to get their hair styled…
The magazine was hilarious at points, but other times it was actually a little bit contradictory. Take this article which went heavy on the need for girls to love their bodies as they are.
I have nothing against this article in particular, nor do I have any qualms about Jemeela’s writing (it’s not Oscar winning writing, but hey, neither is mine). Where I do take issue is that this photo appeared on the page before:
It doesn’t take a feminist rocket scientist to see where the two items differ. I mean heck even I looked at the image above and thought “I’d tap that!”
And on the subject of models, I had completely forgot about the weirdness of the Cosmo fashion models:
The choice models this month have been selected in association with the Talk to Frank drugs advice service. She gets weirder. This photo genuinely spooked me, and looks like it belongs from a scary movie poster:
Thanks to the Nokia Lumia the picture quality isn’t great, but that’s her looking blankly through a window. I wonder who she’s not speaking to on the phone? Ah, it’ll probably be her equally spooky partner:
You’d call the police if they lived next door to you wouldn’t you? Or the RSPCA. Then again the dog is probably the healthiest out of the three.
I mean, can you imagine how intense it would be if you went round for a coffee?
The photo set ups just get more and more bizarre. Long ago I’d forgotten that these photos were meant to sell clothes.
I’d love to have pinned down the photographer and said to him/her “just what exactly are you hoping to achieve from a shot like this?”
In the end I realise why I feel uneasy about these models. Even though Cosmo is trying to tell me they’re beautiful in an artistic sense, my brain is screaming at me that these people are actually incredibly ugly.
Cosmo isn’t all about make up and models though. It also covers the big news stories that really matter.
I cannot remember what the articles were all about when I was a young teenager, I’m pretty sure they were of the same high quality and research. However it didn’t make it any easier for me to read them with older, fresher eyes seven years later.
This article I came close to laughing at:
Now this, this is the sort of article I’d have read when I was 16 with my mouth hitting the floor in a mixture of shock, disgust and awe. Apparently this is what all young professional women do in the city of London:
SEX PARTIES?! What the actual heck?! What started of as mild amusement turned into annoyance at how unrealistic this article is (apparently girls we’ll all on the champagne and drugs with plans to retire in three years to open up a yoga studio. I kid you not).
Changing tack, there was also this amazing program to get quick abs. “This might actually be useful” I thought.
As an impartial reviewer of this program I can confirm I feebly attempted this routine once and decided I’d spend the rest of my life kidding myself that I don’t need to ever do it again.
And lets not forget the token “celeb” that Cosmo always runs a huge, massively pluggy, feature on. This month it’s some former (I stress former) star from Made In Chelsea, who proceeds to talk all about her amazing rapper husband Professor Green and though the medium of photo shoots sets feminism back a couple of months:
Although she does give a fair representation of how I look in the office Monday to Friday. Spitting image indeed.
And don’t get me started on this:
And why wasn’t I invited?
There weren’t even any horoscopes! I used to love those when I was younger. Kidding myself that because Venus was at her highest in line with Saturn and parallel to Mars it meant I’d find wealth and happiness in the shampoo isle of Tesco. But no, there was none of that, just seedy classified ads.
You can probably tell how this magazine, far from creating a relaxing and nostalgic evening in, turned into a experience that at best can be described as weird. I mean the only figure I could relate to in this whole magazine was a dog:
And the only article I enjoyed reading was one which compared the prices of interior decorations:
I know it’s a sign of getting that little bit more mature, but it actually made me wish I could write some notes on the magazine and post it back to the younger me. Yep, we both would probably have found the image of a model not knowing how to use a hair dryer entertaining…
…but I’d also tell younger me that there are so many things Cosmo magazine seems to gloss over or not refer to. Never is it explained that all the photos are heavily photo shopped and no where are there articles which inspire girls to think for themselves. This is fashionable, this looks good, this is how successful people live their lives. This is probably why popularity drops off (at uni a friend of mine once told me she’d read the magazine until she was 18 then got bored and stopped). It’s just the same old, same old, with the occasional “sex” or “perfect abs” thrown in to grab attention. I do have vague memories of looking through these magazines and wishing I could look as pretty in make up have the amazing bodies the celebrities have. Dim memories of self loathing for no justified reason. As I flicked through this I couldn’t help but think my time and money would probably have been better invested back if I’d just bought a good book and gone outside.
Glad is a strong word, but I think it was good to buy this magazine. It served as an eye opener to how my perceptions and expectations on life, work and family have changed in a relatively short period of time. I can only wonder what the next seven years will do…
To end on a low note, here’s one person’s confession lifted from the magazine:
Now don’t you feel glad you spent the time to read that?
Struggle #4 – The Invisible Barrier
Friday 15th January 2016: You know what sort of person you have sat next to you on a train when he…
a) Sits down
b) Takes a good look at you and then
c) Puts the middle armrest down.
Because that works as an effective barrier…
Here’s a blog post written in dedication to those pie in the sky dreams, those resolutions and ambitions we all have around this time of the year.
(Before you ask, yes I am aware that this post is coming 12 days too late and yes, I know Bob down the road gave up on his diet 7 days ago, but I have a life and have been far too busy doing this thing called a job and this other thing called sleeping. Sorry but not in the slightest bit sorry.)
Most people set only one New Year’s resolution, the majority of most people do not stick to this resolution. Quitting smoking, losing weight, at some point in their lives everyone will attempt one or both of these goals. Very noble aims, but also very predictable and targets that we are destined to almost certainly fail. Lets not kid outrselves, we are not these angelic spirits that can just give up a chunk of our life at the drop of a hat. We are human. We are needy, greedy, grabby little creatures, easily tempted to fall back into the trodden route we know best. We also fall into the trap of saying to ourselves that if we can’t fulfil our resolutions now then we may as well give up and bury our heads in the sand for another 11 months when we will then start the process of self loathing all over again.
I’ve decided to set myself a list of small resolutions, with the aim to complete most at least make good head way on it. By setting several goals that vary in achievability and differ from the usual, hopefully I’ll be able to finish the year and feel good about myself on some level (if I can’t achieve any of these I really need to rethink how I’m spending my evenings…)
Personal goals (in no particular order)
Mama/Papa Bennett’s goals for me (FYI – these are not confirmed)
India’s goals for me (again, TBC)
Some New-ish Year resolutions to keep me going. I did consider to include some super health freak goal about eating more kale or building up more muscle mass, but then I thought those would be unrealistic given how much I was already investing in fitness. Besides, it you set yourself unrealistic aims you’re only setting a New Year’s unreolution where you spend the next month feeling negative and weak, (which kinda defeats how resolutions should make you feel). That and you’re gonna be the most hated person in the office. Just think it through:
January 4th: “Hey Karen, do you want some of my chocolate? It’s Christmas left over from the family but I felt we needed it here more than there!”
“No thanks, I’m eating my salad. Too many calories in one square of choc. Have as much as you want though. Doesn’t bother me.”
“Ok, your loss!”
January 12th: “Any plans for this weekend Karen?”
“I’m shopping for gym clothes. I’m going get something really expensive, so I look stylish when I’m at my fitness class. I be working out so much that I’ll wear it more than anything else I own.”
“Cool. I’m buying a pizza.”
January 21st: “Get anything nice in town?”
“Eggs and kale. Eggs and kale and bread.”
“To go with the fitness routine?”
“I must eat these because Davina says so.”
“O…k. I’m going to walk to the printer now…”
“I’m going to put them in a sandwich.”
“Bye Karen.”
“Or a PORTEIN SHAKE!!”
February 10th: “Hey there Tina. So, I’ve kinda given up on the health routine. Can I have some of your cake?”
“Sorry, can’t. You see, with winter here I need the extra f. Besides, this cake was a special investment, I’ll be wearing it more than anything else I own. Jog on K.”
If I can be bothered I may do a catch up post in six months to see where I’m at with these. I make no promises though.
Struggle #3 – A Literal Nightmare
Friday 16th October 2015: Stood at Oxford station on what can only be described as the first commute of Autumn. Goodness it’s brisk tonight! Can really feel the darkness creeping in too. In an office outfit of black trousers and top, all I can do is huddle deep into my dark padded coat and nibble on my piece of free shortbread obtained from work, wrapped in a mean piece of cling film reused from lunch. I must look like Jane Eyre right now.
Oh my God, Jesus, I’m turning into Jane Eyre. I’m becoming my own literary nightmare.
Still gonna nibble on my shortbread though. I mean it is edible after all.
Here we go again…
Another year, another cup of tea, another year of “can we go to bed yet?” It can only mean one thing, it’s New Year’s Eve 2015 at the Bennett household. I’m currently sat on my bed with a snazzy new laptop (“ooh Alice, it has white keys, it’s very stylish!”) Of course what the man in Currys doesn’t tell you is that when this product is used by a twenty-something in scruffy clothes and hair that really should have been washed two days ago, all trace of style is wiped out. A hole is dug and style is buried by the additional insistence of the user to manually rip each CD in her collection to her new iTunes account. In the face of The Corrs, S Club 7 and Now 48 style never stood a chance. Not even nifty white keys can save the situation. I say white, give it six months and they keyboard will be black.
As well as being rejected by the style Gods, I’ve also been relegated to the bedroom after a minor disagreement with my sister. She just disagrees with my better judgement. Nothing a bit of time and cider stealing won’t solve. She can be as stubborn as she wants but she can’t rock up to a New Year’s Eve house party without drink. We have J2O, but she knows J2O at a ‘cool kids’ party is a uncooler than Hell. She’ll come round.
While lil sis had the terrible task of deciding which New Year do she wanted to grace her presence with, I have the difficult task of finding something half decent to watch on TV with my parents. No crazy plans for yours truly this year. Last year was as cray as it got when I spent New Year in a God-forsaken club in Southampton. I only discovered it was 2015 when a merry friend shoved her phone in my face at 00:05. Never liked New Year really, I don’t see the point in celebrating the end of a joyful, yet cold, month and the start of a joyless, even colder, month. It often feels like a trap set up by December to palm us off to January. It’s a con, you’re made to feel bad for not spending a shed load on drink, transport and club entry fees and you can often feel let down or disappointed if you do. Lose/lose situation all ways round.
One of the few benefits I’ve come across though is this thing WordPress has put together, showing stats of my blog. For instance, the number of photos I’ve uploaded average at about two a day. If I actually uploaded two photos a day to Facebook I wonder how long it would take before people got fed up with random photos like these:
…And swiftly unfriended me. Yet because I’m so fabulously witty and put a million photos in every blog post you guys tolerate it. Thanks for that.
So yeah, it made for fascinating reading for me personally, although the family’s reaction to these random stats was stone cold silence. It was at that point that I realised this report is infinitely more interesting to me as opposed to everyone in the world. As I speak, thousands of other blog writers are posting up their reports in baited excitement that the world will congratulate them on the success of their food blog or their blog on cat sweaters. I cannot say I expect glowing feedback, I’m really posting this up because I’m bored on NYE, facing not a decision on what dress to wear, but on whether conditioner is really worth the effort.
Anyway, for those of you who are interested, here is the annual report for this blog:
Click here to see the complete report.
Here’s an excerpt:
A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 3,300 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 55 trips to carry that many people.
3300 views in 2015 is quite an achievement, I have to say. You guys actually read this stuff?! My dear fans come from around the world, including Korea (“No India, South Korea, not North. No one is going to be in trouble for reading There’s Some Weird Shizz in my Cupboard.”) And I am truly grateful to you guys for sticking with me and taking interest in the ramblings of someone that is a couple of nuts short of a full case. So here’s to you guys on the Eve of New Year 2016. Here’s hoping that next year will be more fabulous and amazing than 2015. I really have my fingers and toes crossed that it will be. I know I’ve sad it 15 odd times before, but I have a feeling 2016 is going to be a good year.
(Here’s also hoping next year I can get the grasp of the zoom function on this laptop. The slightest move of the mouse pad and I go from 100% to 10% or 75% to 200%. Makes trying to type a simple blog post the most trying challenge I’ve experienced so far this month (and in December that is saying something).
Happy New Year everyone!
La la la, la la la-la-la, la la la-la-la, laaaaa
La la la, la la la-la-la, la da-de la-la, laaaaa
And it was on hearing this Christmas call that Michael Bublé did forth arise from his slumber.
Michael 22:10 (the Bublé Bible)
It’s taken over 2000 years, but I think we can finally say Coca Cola do not own the rights to announce when the ‘holidays are coming’. Bublé does.
Christmas is a time of caring, family and the birth of a child who’s name translates as ‘Son of God’ (not a name to be recommended if you’re only 50% sure of the paternity). Of course Christmas is also a time of chaos, family quarrels and naff gifts. At such a time it can be difficult to plan your Christmas shopping and know what to get those you love and those you really do not see the point of. You’re not looking for a perfect ‘how to’ guide, because you don’t want to be lectured on this (also because it would cost you £25.00 and by this stage of the month you’re stuffed for getting it delivered in time). You need something to cover the absolute basics but also inspire you for any last minute gift buying you need to do over the next few days. Welcome my friends to Alice’s Mediocre Guide to Christmas. Enjoy it now, next year I’ll be sticking Michael’s face on it and charging you to read it.
Introduction (the Definition of “Shopping” in this Context)
For the basis of this post we’re going to assume you’re actually going to shop. No, online shopping is not shopping, it’s online shopping. Lets be clear on that. You deserve no credit for getting the last dress in your size because you hit ‘checkout’ first. Did you have to fight other women in Range Rovers for parking spaces? Did you have to wrestle and scream at other shoppers? No? Then that’s not shopping my friend.
Preparation
Before you shop it’s important to have a good breakfast. My personal preference is to go for two extremes, a bowel of porridge made of oats and water (referred to in the good ol’ days as gruel) and a caramel latte.
That way you have that slight feeling of hunger later on, but the hit of caffeine and sugar. Both will help bring out any suppressed animal instincts when you get into a busy town centre.
How you dress is often important. If you wear normal clothes you are bound to be overlooked and have people bump and crush into you. However by dressing like you have a unnatural obsession with Christmas you will find 99% of adults* will stay well away from you.
Bonus points if your sibling also adopts this approach.
Now you have double the weirdness and also a handy way of finding each other in a crowded space.
(*99% of children will stare at you with a level of awe and admiration. Be warned, for those vital seconds you will become God to them).
Shopping – What to look out for
So you’re in town, what next? Well, don’t be hooked in by sky high prices, often they are for goods that are not worth a biscuit (gift sets are the creation of the Devil, trying to tempt us to pay a small fortune for cruddy packaging). The odd shop will warn you of this before you enter their store. For instance, the clothing in Jack Wills is so over priced you will not be able to afford shoes or socks once you have made your purchase.
Keep an eye out for stores putting on sales before Christmas. As I discovered in one shop, you can really get yourself some amazing deals:
Other places will throw a lot of their time and money into Christmas displays. Sometimes these can be low budget and have a nice effect:
Others will create displays that have nothing to do with Christmas at all (for no explained reason):
And then others will seriously make you question the sanity of those who designed and agreed to it:
(Ted Baker)
(Struggling to pick up the Christmas message in this poster found in Boots. Certainly not the Nativity scene I grew up with.)
Spare a thought for those retail/food outlets that can’t afford such displays. Some of these outlets can’t even afford grammatically correct signage.
(I do see the pun there, but it should be man‘s lunch!)
To encourage you to spend money, shops will more often than not play the same Christmas pop. If not a bit of MB, it will be this type of thing:
Although everyone love a bit of Wizzard, it can get very repetitive. Top tip: invest in an MP3 devise and plug yourself into whatever music you fancy. Even if you do enjoy the Christmas music being played in shops, having some headphones in gives you the perfect excuse to ignore market sellers shouting at you to look at their various wooden craft items. We all have a musical wooden frog with mini baton at home, we do not need another.
Secret Santa/Generic Giving
We all like to put a bit of extra thought into special gifts for people, but then we don’t always have the luxury of time, money and knowledge for others. The High Street is the one-stop place to solve our Secret Santa woes. Whatever can I get Sally in accounts? How about some hilariously packaged hand wash from Debenhams?
It’s so funny they won’t realise that you’re insulting their levels of cleanliness.
But what about Lily who always buys the round because she’s so nice (and loaded)?
(As seen in Peacocks)
Dean is into Star Wars, but I have no concept of what Star Wars is about or what happens in it. All I know is that it’s in space. What do I get him?
(As seen in Marks and Spencer)
We have someone new in the office who is from France, but her English is still a little shaky and our French is terrible. It would good to get her something that we both understand. Something that transcends language barriers.
(As seen in New Look)
What do I get someone who is mad on dogs?
(As seen in Cotswold Trading, Broadway)
My friends you are welcome.
General Observations/Trend Spotting
This year there has seen the welcome return of the food pun/phrase (a personal favourite last seen in the Winter/Spring of 2015: )
(As seen in Primark)
(“Jennie, I just can’t live without him, he meant so much to me. Worse still, the bailiffs are coming round tomorrow and Spot has run away.”
“Here, have a bourbon.”
“Oh wow! Life is amazing again!”)
Really Tesco, really?
There are also some questionable puns out there, some are acceptable after a glass of wine:
Others though…
(As seen in H&M)
There are also items shaped like food to look out for. But don’t be deceived, it isn’t actually food.
If you fancy something more animal based, New Look sells dead pug slippers:
(FYI before people get distressed, that’s just because of how New Look have displayed them.)
Ultimately, there is a lot of random items out there for gifting. But if you’re still struggling my personal recommendation is a mildly amusing glasses case which you do this with, reinforcing the notion that you are hilarious:
That or a top quality, one of a kind, original mug:
If you really dislike them, get them a CD from a pound shop.
“Oh how lovely, a CD of Christmas hits!”
Good luck enjoying that.
Food
The notion of Christmas food shopping makes me feel like the right cat on this cushion.
I mean, I look fabulously adorable, but it’s still scary. Packed-out shops, queues at tills, bread sauce shortages, it’s a very British nightmare.
First off, remember which religious festival you are celebrating. In some circles it could get very awkward if you get it wrong.
There are some mild joys to be gained though from random food items which are presented differently to convince you to buy them for no reason other than it being Christmas. For instance, do I like crumpets and iced doughnuts? No, not really, more of a tea cake girl myself. But do I want these?
Yes. Yes I do.
There are also creepy food items which should be avoided.
He’s watching you kids.
Food items with stories are to also to be given a wide berth. They are overpriced and waste your time. E.g.:
Wow. That was a great story Linda and Andrew. Glad I took the time to read that.
By this stage of Christmas shopping you’re likely to want to give up. But, fed up with the traditional you start searching online for something different to inspire you. Something more hipster.
(Fun fact: the year this song was released we actually had a white Christmas. So wonderfully ironic.)
Christmas Trees/Decorations
Your local garden centre will be able to provide a wealth of choice and options when it comes to choosing your Christmas tree.
Pound shops also stock various Christmas decorations, and you will often find the store will go out of their way to make sure you can find everything you need.
Life Choices
By this point in your Christmas planning/shopping the likelihood is you’ll be reaching the end of your tether. Kids are screaming, friends can’t decide what dresses to buy and all your money has been spent on high quality decorations from Poundland. Something has to go. In this predicament dear readers you are not alone. Below are a selection of photos taken where shoppers have ditched one product randomly in order to buy something more essential.
Chocolate over wool.
A watch over clothing (lucky/unlucky neighbours).
The old “I need this to look good wearing these.”
And finally, the middle class dilemma of medication vs. a nice boxing day casserole.
The casserole always wins.
Conclusions
So, there we have it. My quick-ish guide to the Christmas basics. With this guide you should now be fully inspired to go out there and take on Christmas with both hands and a rucksack full of used bags (cool kids never pay 5p for a bag. That’s 5p that could go towards this wonderful dish you’ll be eating on New Year’s Day…)
(I remember when they used to be only 11p. We live in a false economy.)
To play you out, I have the Bennett family song which we listen to every year. Back in 2010 (or thereabouts) India and I came across this song and history was made. Without doubt the worst Christmas song and video you’ll ever see, yet a song that summarises a lot about the British run up to and Christmas day itself. Messy, confusing, but deep down there’s a message there. Merry Christmas everyone, have a good one on me.
Right now you’ll probably be thinking a) she’s lying, b) she’s mad c) she’s referring to Thai brides or d) she’s been set up by Chanel to sell their new fragrance “Happiness”. But hear me out on this ok? Because it is true, money has bought me happiness and really there is no excuse why it can’t do the same for you, you annnnddd you. Maybe not you though. I can’t put my finger on it, but just not you.
Anyone expecting a Buzz Feed list or a three step plan to get happiness with bundles of cash should metaphorically walk away how. Such a list does not and will never exist. If it does exist it’s a con to get you investing in gold goats in the Congo. You would not expect someone to tell you how to make millions of pounds in cash in three steps so why would you expect someone to tell you how to make millions of pounds in happiness in a couple of bullet points?
Lets take this back to the start. Que wavy, squiggly, lines and enter into a flashback…
Back in August 2014 I had just moved to Swindon. A recent graduate, I was sat on my bed knowing no one and nothing about where I was, with only a degree and assorted volunteering experience to my name. Financially I was not destitute but I also had the lovely student debt monster living with me.
Not the stuff of nightmares, just an annoying creature that never buggers off.
I was sat there and it was ruddy scary, I won’t lie. It would be for anyone. You go from being with family, then you are ripped apart to go to university/college and then torn away again to start afresh as a proper adult. What nobody ever tells you (particularly the higher education institutions) is the the second split is much harder than the first time. So much harder. When you go into university no one knows anyone else, so you’re all in the same boat. You’re put with other new people in accommodation blocks (or halls), so you’re huddled closely in said boat. And the university puts on a range of social and course related events to help you settle in, they provide the gentle wind to safely direct your boat to stop you wanting to jump off. What I quickly learnt post higher education is that after you’re received your qualification, once paper and sweaty palm shakes have been exchanged, universities really do not care. “Have you got a job?” “Yes” “Would you deem the job and wage graduate level?” “Yes” “Good. Fill in this survey and off you pop.”
Moving to Swindon to start work was hard. In the real world everybody knows each other already, they are all a range of ages and live in their own properties, so you can’t live with them (I tried that card, apparently it’s not a thing). And these people have things that take up time called children and partners? I.e. they don’t socialise in the same way. I felt like I was in a leaky boat, by myself, being pushed along to China, or maybe South Africa, there was no map or wind to guide me. I felt a bit betrayed by my university, especially when the Alumni please-give-us-all-your-money emails started coming through days after I’d begun my job. At this time a self-help email to work, tax, living alone etc. would actually have made me feel so much better when I was at my worst.
It was around mid September 2014 I realised happiness and a social life in the real world does not land on your lap without effort. With that I switched off TV, cracked open the laptop and started singing “Eye of the Tiger” while I searched for a solution online. I sounded like this.
Pottery Classes
I searched evening classes at my local college. I decided on Pottery classes, a 10-week course which would introduce me to the subject. Annoyingly it was fully booked for the Autumn term, but I handed over £90 and signed myself up for the Spring term class. It was meant to be an introduction but I ended up paying to do the Summer term as well. Pottery was a great way for me to relax after work and learn something new. I was never great at it and truth be told being back in a classroom with people that were naturally better than me always played on my mind. However it gave me something to do on a Monday evening and I met new people outside of work. It was a creative release from the day-to-day. After two terms I felt I’d reached my potential and was reach to move on. I packed up my assorted creations (including my humble bowl) and moved on.
Happiness rating – 5 / 10
Gym
The idea of going to a gym, let alone signing up to gym membership, was an alien concept thought before I moved to Swindon. Why would anyone pay to put themselves through torture? But after I had stopped my pottery I found I had a gap in my evening schedule and, lured in by the promise of company and attractive men I was persuaded by my housemate and a colleague-turned-friend to sign up. I recently wrote a post on said gym, where you’ll find more information on my experiences with various equipment and those who use it. Gym membership minus corporate discount is £12.99 a month (including fitness classes) which works out as a very good deal. A good deal but also a good investment. Since I’ve joined the gym I now feel better about myself (the extra slice of cake isn’t so guilt ridden), I feel happier due to the extra endorphins I now have (the type I used to believe were a work of fiction) and I aim to go at least once, if not twice, a week which keeps the mind and body distracted. The only drawback is the lack of social company. A gym is not the place to make new friends. With the gym my body started to feel happier and I’ve come to learn that physical pain can result in mental gain. I’m still a member of said gym.
Happiness rating – 10/10 (physical happiness) 2/10 (social happiness)
Founder and Manager of Swindon 18-30 Professionals
My housemate Cherice and I had moved to the area for jobs post university and both struggled with our non existent social lives. We cracked around October 2014. We both ploughed our joint efforts into finding a social group for young people in Swindon. “Swindon is a pretty big place, there must be something” we both thought. We were very wrong. I struggled to find something that wasn’t for over 40’s or amateur dramatics.
(“I thought you’d like that sort of thing Alice, you were very good when you played the gangsta rat in the Pied Piper of Hamlin” “mum, a) that was a year six school panto and b) I was the leader rat, George Richards was the gangsta rate” “Oh, well he was pretty good”)
Five minutes later of searching online I got bored. 10 minutes later I was in this part of the internet.
Cherice and I did end up going to to meeting for Swindon’s JCI group (I still don’t know what it stands for or does). We went to the event in jeans and very causal tops expecting a small group of people to chat and socialise with. To our horror we walked into a large room, which was packed (and I mean packed) with suited people aged 45+ who had all come to persuade myself, Cherice and two other nervous people to join their cult organisation. We were trapped in a surreal corporate environment listening to a power point presentation where each slide changed when the lead speak clicked his fingers. I didn’t notice it at first but when I did I couldn’t forget it. Combined with the ridiculously formal environment which made it unacceptable to laugh, his click and flick of the hand became unbearably hilarious for the two of us. I was crying at one point. 1.5 hours later we dashed out while the room ‘networked’ and roared with laugher all the way home. At the very least we said it was a bonding experience.
There was also another group called “Swindon Young Professionals”. We went to two events hosted by this body. The first was for Pizza Express, where we paid a small fortune to go to a pizza making class and the second was two months later where again we were ripped off by the organiser who made us pay £20 to enter a pub quiz created by them and have a very poor quality Indian meal. Both events gave us a harsh dose of clique society. All solicitors who worked together, people who didn’t give the slightest dam about us. The pub quiz was like the scene in Bridget Jones where she’s at the lawyers’ Christmas party. More in jokes than you can shake a stick at. On principle we refused to not give them a penny more of our time and money.
We also tried a couple of events in Oxford, but these events were too far away from Swindon for us to seriously commit to. We met people, then the next time those people weren’t there and we had to start again from scratch for one evening. “If only Swindon had something like that” said Cherice as we walked back to the train station, “I enjoyed that, but you can’t meet people in Swindon. Where we live is so boring compared to Oxford.”
This planted a seed in my head which turned out to be the best dam thing I’ve ever done. If Swindon didn’t have a decent social group for 18-30 year olds, I would make one myself. And that is what I did. Swindon 18-30 Professionals was born on 1st February 2015. To set the group up I had to pay fixed amount of around £30 (the website runs on dollar currency) which granted was a special half price offer, but still took courage on the grounds I didn’t know if anyone would join or it would work. I opted for the higher fee so I could have more than 50 members in the group. At the time mumma Bennett was doubtful I’d get that many members (I kinda was too).
I created some provisional events and waited to see what happened. To my amazement they came, at the launch event about 12 people turned up. This took me by surprise, for months I hadn’t met anyone new and yet in 5 minutes I was overwhelmed with new faces to talk to. With many different events being hosted by the myself and others in the event team the group quickly went from strength to strength.
As the group increased in size I was able to pick up the courage to ask a large bar called Baker Street in Old Town to put on special drinks offers for us. They happily obliged.
More events put on and more members increased. To give you an idea, in my post Educating Alice where I talk about good things in Swindon, the group had 34 members. That was in March. The group now has 205 and we haven’t even reached the 10 month mark. The group has an average of one new member a day, and several more will apply and not be accepted (Requirement: this group is for people aged between 18 and 30. How old are you? Response: 45.)
At the six month mark my subscription was up for renewal, this time at a much higher rate. In need of sponsorship I put on my empowered professional female hat (an actual thing I own) and typed a lengthy proposal to Baker Street with the situation and why they should invest in us. I outlined the group’s growth, projected growth and the money my members brought into their establishment. To my utter joy they accepted and a new business partner was established. Sponsorship meant my members could now join for free, another big feather to our cap.
Baker Street have supported us massively ever since. They have even helped me radically improve the promotional material we put out and about in Swindon. The images below give an idea of the evolution of our posters:
February 2015
July 2015
November 2015
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out which poster was created with the aid of a professional designer and which one has helped to radically boost membership. All the same, being able to have a strong creative input into the design has helped give me new skills and boost my inner confidence that I am pretty awesome.
While the growth of the group is amazing, it’s the people I’ve met that have really brought about the most happiness. At every drinks night we host on the first Wednesday of the month I see a range of people. I see the well seasoned members who have been there from the start, those who tend to only come to this one event a month and those who are completely new and, understandably, nervous. All three types stood around, chatting, laughing, enjoying themselves. Sometimes I get caught off guard and feel quite emotional at what I see around me. There are no cliques here, everyone has different professional backgrounds and opinions. It is a welcoming environment, everyone is relaxed and open with each other. No matter how many events they have attended every person in that space has been in the same position when they were new to the group, coming along to meet new faces. Everyone is in the same boat. Members may not live together but they socialise in the same boat. And, with all the events myself and my now extended event team put on, there is a schedule of events that people can go to to forget about the stresses of work, even if for one night. We provide the wind to safely guide the ship.
We recently had our Christmas party where we went to Pizza Express for a three course meal and then onto the group favourite, Baker Street, for endless complimentary prosecco from the venue and 2-4-1 cocktails.
It was a great night. An old friend from university was visiting me for the weekend (the girl sat opposite me at the table). As we stood in the cold waiting for our taxi she said to me, “you’ve made a life for yourself here, they’re a great bunch of people. They all really care about you, you just don’t see it because you spend all your time making sure they’re having fun. They call you God!”
When I went to upload the album on social media the next day I contemplated what to call it. It was a Christmas party, but it wasn’t a traditional work Christmas do, nor was it so detached from my personal life that I felt happy calling it just “Swindon 18-30 Christmas Social”. I settled in the end with something much better:
“Christmas Party with Friends”
Happiness Rating – 1,000,000 / 10
Conclusions
So there you have it. Money CAN buy you happiness. If I hadn’t spent £90 on pottery or £12.99 on the gym I would not have learnt as much about myself as I do now. If I hadn’t spent £30 on setting up my group, well, I don’t want to even think about what my life would be like I hadn’t done that. I laugh now thinking about me sat at a kitchen table debating whether to invest the money to set up the group. If I could I’d go back in time and throw a banana at myself. I’d know it was future me trying to knock sense into my head and I’d stop faffing about.
Yes, money can’t buy you everything. I’m not telling you to invest all your saving in meaningless gifts and spending outside your range. What I am saying is that your social life should be treated as a business or a bank account. If you keep investing little and often into it you will find the interest and rewards will build up. Money should not always been seen as the enemy that will prevent you reaching your personal Nirvana. How about a new ethos to life? Something like…
Money in modesty makes for happiness.
(Alice’s big book of terrible sayings, coming not-so-soon to a discount book store near you!)
Because, at the end of the day, how can anyone argue differently when faced with an image of Alice after a couple of glasses of free wine mixed with an additional glass of complimentary prosecco.
And if that isn’t happiness, I really do not know what is.
FYI: you can find out more about the group I run here on it’s official page: http://www.meetup.com/Swindon-18-30-Professionals/ or on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/swindonprofessionals/ or even on Twitter: https://twitter.com/swindon18_30s?lang=en-gb
I know, I am so social!
My Housemate's a Mermaid 