I’m The Classiest Thing to Happen to Swindon Since Billie Piper

With a title like that you’re probably thinking one of three things, “too right Alice is”, “this girl has got right up herself since she set up a Facebook page. Who is she, Donald Trump?” or “huh, I did not know Billie Piper came from Swindon”. Either way, I’m going to say it loud and proud* (*not in real life you understand? Just online).

Two weeks ago was carrying an unzipped suitcase down the stairs when all my belongings tumbled out. At that very moment I thought to myself “you really are a piece of something” and now I know what that something is. It’s pretty obvious that I am the embodiment of class and comedy gold (I’m also the embodiment of a minor caffeine addition and sleep deprivation, but I’ll leave that to the obituarists).

Backtracking a little, with a name that translates as “Pig Hill” not a lot of celebrities have graced the streets and houses of Swindon. Case in point: when was the last time you saw Jude Law in the Canal Walk McDonald’s? Exactly. And don’t get me started about the fact Canal Walk is no where near water. I’m going off on a ranty tangent here, but Swindon needs to have a serious rebrand. Why not change the name to, say, “Swingdon” and make the place full of jazz or “Richdon” (subliminal messaging for the dumb rich people)? I pay you enough ruddy money in taxes, sort it out council.

Until a new name is implemented or Jude Law decides to unleash his offspring into the concrete jungle that is Swindon’s Tented Market (really, it is made of that – WHO WORKS IN BRANDING?!), then I’m going to claim the title of classiest female to grace Swindon. Sure, I spill tea quite literally everywhere and yes, I can be reduced down to a child-like mentality when presented with new pillows, but given my competition is Billie Piper then I think I have good grounds for asserting my case. For anyone not in the know, Piper made her name in the late 90s/early 00s as a pop star and then as an actress (more commonly known for playing Rose Tyler in the reboot of Doctor Who). She’s good, don’t get me wrong, but Swindonians don’t half like to harp on about her like she’s a big claim to fame. You know who my local town of Stratford-Upon-Avon had? Shakespeare, that’s who. Trust me, there’s no beating that, however competing against this I think I could take Piper on:

(Seeing bins melt into men, billboard cartoons come alive and rhino bouncers? Yep, it’s called a standard Saturday night out in Swindon.)

I write stuff, good stuff, and despite my frequent Calamity Jane moments I like to think I represent a good role model. I walk to work, go to the gym, I even do the occasional bit of baking. I tell you what, get Anthea Turner (star of How to Be a Perfect Housewife) on the phone, she’ll support me (and in doing so knock back Feminism to 1969 but hey, we’re talking about me here.)

In short, I’m a ruddy aspirational professional.

And you know what? I think my presence is having an effect on this town. For instance back in 2014 you would never see this type of thing out and about:


You might have come across a cider can or an empty beer bottle, but never a wine flute carefully placed on a window ledge. It’s a sign!

Not wanting to brag, but I’m the classiest thing to happen to Swindon since Billie Piper.

(Disclaimer: before writing this post I had consumed a large, strong, coffee. This may explain pretty much all the comments made in the above. Do I regret them? Not at all.)

4 thoughts on “I’m The Classiest Thing to Happen to Swindon Since Billie Piper

  1. Love the blog, however, in my day (really ancient you see) the canal actually had water and went right down past Kingshill through an area known as Okus and I believe it ran into the river Kennet.

    I shall follow your meanderings closely in future as you obviously are skilled and something of a wordsmith.


    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Kevin, thanks for the positive feedback. Sounds really nice, I had heard that years ago there were plans to have the canal run through the town centre. Shame it never went ahead, but at least they’re working on improving the centre bit by bit.

      If you like my blog you can follow it by liking it on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/MyHousematesAMermaid/

      Or alternatively if you click ‘Follow’ in the bottom right corner you can put your email in and subscribe to my blog to get an email every time I post something.

      Have a lovely weekend and all the best,


  2. Well Alice, – having just become a connection on LinkedIn. I’ve come to the conclusion after reading a few of your blogs that you are well capable of turning a phrase or two. By the way – When I were your age, Swindon’s main showbiz claim to fame was Diana Dors, and she saw herself as competition for Marilyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield . How is that for aspiration?! See you on LI – I haven’t welcomed you there yet.
    all the best – John

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you John for your positive comments. Pefect aspiration! By the time I’m done they will call me Lady Alice of Swindonia, mark my words! If you rate my work please give my Facebook page a like (it was the third link in my email, or search “My Housemate’s a Mermaid”) alternatively in the bottom right hand corner you can subscribe to by clicking “Follow” and entering your email address. Hope you enjoy reading my future posts and thanks for taking the time to comment.


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