Nabloposmo Day 3: Common Office Jargon – a Translation Guide

A simple translation guide for the generic terminology and sayings normally heard around an office environment.

 General Conversation

 “Hi, how are you?” – I’m making small talk with you because it’s polite.

“Good thanks, you?” – I’m responding to your small talk with a simple answer so we can get to business.

“Hey, are you busy?” – The answer to this question is irrelevant, you’re about to be given something to do.

“I don’t suppose you can have a look at this with me?” – I value your opinions on this and need to cover my arse if it all goes belly up.

“We need to go back to the supplier and tell them…” – Either myself or you need to get in touch with the supplier and explain this (ideally you).

“The deadline is flexible” – There’s a bit of leeway for when this work needs to be finished.

“This is a firm deadline” – You’re in big trouble if you don’t get this work completed on time.

“Only if it’s not too much trouble” – Even if it is too much trouble you’re still doing this for me.

“Roy from accounts is a #*&@+~>#!!” – “Roy from accounts is not my favourite person.”

“*various expletives shouted at screen*” – perhaps now is a good time to keep your head down.

“Going forward” –  Based on the past, this is what can/will be improved in the future, hopefully. Conversational example, “the office block caught on fire last week. What can we learn from this?” “Well, going forward we now know that fires are started by hot things.”

Telephone Etiquette

“Hello, The John Smith Glitter Company, we make your dreams sparkle and shine, Alice speaking, how may I help?” – I’m dying a little inside every time I answer the phone. I dare you to ask me to repeat that again.

“I’m sorry, they’re in a meeting right now” – there are various places they could be, but it’s not here.

“Let me give you her email” – my colleague doesn’t want you to be constantly calling, but if they’re interested they will be in touch. More likely not, but let’s keep you hoping.

“Can I get that in writing?” – there’s either too much information to process or I’m covering my backside in case I need to refer to this later on.

“We really value your custom” – (Customer Services) We don’t really care either way. (Everyone else) I’m either sucking up to you or apologising on someone’s else’s behalf.

Singular vs Plural

“The printer is useless” – the thing in the corner is broken, again.

“The printers are useless” – our suppliers are not quite putting 100% effort in.

Other Terminology

Synergy – A fancy word used in presentations. Meaning: unknown.

Working from home – they’re at home watching daytime TV.

Meetings – where everyone gathers to discuss things. Degrees of importance/length vary, as does quality of snack and refreshment items.

Training Course – a session used to expand your knowledge or understanding of a particular element. The ‘fun’ ones are usually compulsory.

Expenses – Depending on where you work and what you do, you can sometimes claim money back on things purchased (e.g. train tickets, food, coffee, three course lunches, first class plane tickets, a BMW…).

Expense Claims – Pulling every trick/excuse in the book to get your money back from finance.

Annual Leave – the best piece of legislation ever enforced (just so long as you don’t log into the work email).

Missed any? Let me know in the comments below!

Nabloposmo Day 2: Is it Time to Give Hershey’s a Break?

Our manager returned to work today having spent ten days on a family holiday in Florida. Along with the tan, photos and that smugness that comes from meeting Mickey (FYI I’ve met him, you’re not special), she also brought back with her crates of American sweets. The stuff that you can get in the UK, but get charged three times the price for. Also the stuff that you look at and think “so that’s what they eat over there. All that sugar and e numbers, how practically ghastly!” and move on relieved you’re still British. That stuff.

She brought in these goodies and at 3pm (as standard) everyone started inching towards the snack pile. I was reaching for a piece of chocolate when a colleague cries out “oh no! Hershey’s? That stuff is awful! It tastes like plastic!”

Admittedly I was well aware of the massive p-take us Brits engage in when in discussion of the quality of American chocolate. To those who aren’t from our little island let me summarise; whatever you put in front of us it will never look as good as Dairy Milk, it’ll never taste as good as Dairy Milk and it will never make you feel as good as Dairy Milk. You can apply the same sentiments to chocolate.

Because Hershey’s is not, by default, Dairy Milk, it is already off to a bad start. The Hershey’s brand have also never tried to be good sports with their competitors, as shown when they tried to prevent the import of Cadbury chocolate (the company that produces Dairy Milk). The result? Parents and teachers across the land ingraining the opinion that Hershey’s is the treat of the devil and make up of nasty things like incest and dog poo. Ok, ok, I may be pushing it, but you get the idea. Put it this way, I’m British and I’ve never once reached to the top shelf to buy a bar of Hershey’s.

Despite the opinions of my fellow workmates I still went for a piece of the odd looking stuff. I felt like a proper office rebel (plus, as I said to my colleague “it’s free and I’m on work property. Whatever happens I’m covered). I took the squares back to my desk where, admittedly, they sat for a little while (busy office worker problems). By the time I got round to taking a bite I was genuinely curious as to what this stuff would taste like. My only memory of Hershey’s was an eleven year old me sat in a Disney World Resort hotel room at thinking that this chocolate was overrated (more of a doughnut kinda gal back then).

Imagine my amazement therefore when I popped a square into my mouth and found I wasn’t heaving after two seconds. Yes, the stuff wasn’t rocking my world, but it wasn’t too bad. As a girl who often snacks on the bargain basement chocolate brands this was not the worst sugary snack I’d ever eaten. In fact it tasted familiar to something I’d had not that long ago. I thought about it for a little bit and then it hit me; that Hershey’s tasted just like the chocolate in M&Ms. I like M&Ms. But then another thought hit me, I’m not meant to like this snack, even though it tastes like a snack I do like. I like to think I kept a straight face, but internally this was how I felt:

 

horrified-face.jpg

After I’d had time to recover (and eat a couple more pieces) I realised that actually Hershey’s wasn’t perhaps quite deserving of all the bad reputation. I mean at the end of the day it’s just another brand of chocolate. Yes, I’m not about to rush out and buy a crate load of the stuff (it’s alright, but it’ll never be Dairy Milk), and maybe I won’t start giving it to children when they come trick or treating (=money down drain), but from now on I’m not going to object to the stuff on nearly the same level as before.

After all, if as Brits we can calmly tolerate sugary snack brands like Nestle and Galaxy, then why can’t we add Hershey’s to the list. Sure, Hershey’s have been a bit stupid in the past with their plan to take over the UK market and their branding is probably the simplest out there. But at the end of the day just remember, it is American.

Day 1: National Blog Posting Month (nablopomo) – Introduction

November may mark the end of STOPtober and the start of Movember, but during this chilly month there’s also another craze which sweeps across the globe, affecting those who are either word sociopaths or those who still live with their mum. I’m talking about National Blog Posting month, also known as nablopomo (*cue fanfare and confetti ribbons*).

Never heard of it? Let me explain. National Blog Posting Month sets bloggers the challenge of writing a post every day throughout the month of November with the aim of raising awareness of blogging and to inspire people to get into writing. Yep, because blogging really is up there with raising awareness of Syria or prostate cancer…

Still, as at this present time I am unable to be Joanna Lumley or grow a moustache I thought I’d set myself the challenge of writing something everyday. Anyone who knows me and my crazy busy lifestyle well (9-5 job, social group manager x 2, gym-er, baker, commuter, blogger and now local paper reporter, oh and these hangers on called friends and family), well it doesn’t take a smart arse to see that fitting in a blog post every day on top of that is going to be pret-ty interesting. Heads up now, they won’t all be masterpieces, they won’t all be thousands of words long with a million photos and witty anecdotes, but ultimately they will be blog posts. Should be interesting to see how this goes when I forced into quantity rather than quality (before you comment on that last statement, shush).

Similarly, I really don’t intend to flood my various social media outposts with every single post I upload. For one, it takes time (refer to list of extra curricular activities above – I have none as it is) and secondly I’m determined to not become ‘that guy’ who turns their blog into their literal baby. Even I’m prepared to accept not all my posts are belters – I appreciate you guys politely smiling at them (so to speak) but I’m concerned that if I push it too far my fan base of four is going to plummet significantly during the course of the month.

So there you have it, happy November, Movember, Blog Posting Month, Christmas Fever Settling In Month Like It Or Not Month or whatever you want to call it. If you want to support me during this month please feel free to send me donations. Any money received with be invested into wine. Wine, coffee and chocolate.

Here goes! Wish me luck.