My knowledge of technology and gadgetry can be summed up in the following ten second dialogue:

“Hey, Alice, what phone operating system are you on? Are you team Android or team Apple?”

“Team Windows”

“…”

Now, anyone who knows me will know that I was born middle aged. I watch Have I Got News For You, am partial to a bit of Paxman and Mary Beard and I get excited when the BBC air a show catered towards the intellectual market (dramatization of Shakespeare staring Hugh Bonneville? Don’t mind if I do!) Based on this it will also come as no surprise to hear that, outside of mobiles and basic computing, technology has never sat well with me. I mean why does everything need to keep changing? Why do I need an app to tell me how to sleep better? Why do I need a wristband to tell me to work out more? And why do I need an egg timer to tell me how long to oil an egg?! Ain’t nobody telling me how to cook ma eggs! To be honest if it wasn’t for bake sales I’d question what the purpose of a fan heated oven was.

That said, despite all this I feel there are a number of gadget-needing problems that the boffins of this world have yet to fully exploit. Sure, they may not sell in the millions and I agree they might not be entirely useful, but they’re plenty of ‘things’ which desperately need inventing to solve many a modern dilemma. Also, to be quite frank, there’s a literal pile of gadgets we’ve bought Papa Bennett over the years which have never been used. Christmas and Birthday presents lain to waste. No one questions their usefullness as they sit gathering dust in the crockery cupboards.

Therefore, people of the world, I give you Alice E. Bennett’s list of inventions that should exist. FYI – if any of these get made into successful gadgets I’m demanding royalties and/or equity in the business (I’ve watched Dragon’s Den, I know my stuff).

An invention that reminds you of that drawer at home already crammed full of plastic bags BEFORE you get to the till point at Tesco’s

An app which identifies select times where a cut out of Nigel Farage is required to ensure you and the television corporations are remaining EU neutral. For example, before Eurovision the app would notify you to position Nigel near to the TV monitor and close to alcohol.

A flag which you can attach to a camera which waves as a warning that the pose you are currently striking resembles that of an awkward British tourist

(Points if you can spot the author in that group of friendly European tourists on holiday in Oxford)

A chip installed into every phone which automatically tasers the user if the phone thinks it is about to be used to photo friends in a club environment

It’s hangover blackmail and therefore should be made illegal.

Something to solve this. The world needs an invention to remind people not to drink the blue liquids in the bathroom. It’s a problem faced by me and many toddlers on a daily basis.

A series of pompous guidebooks which don’t direct you to the prettiest, most popular, paintings or monuments, but the ugliest

(You’ll find the above in the d’Orsay Gallery in Paris)

In the same guidebooks I would expect there to be a line or two that tells you to sit down, read the information and look engaged with the waffle you’re reading

A filter that stops you looking demonic in photos

Oh, and finally, a calendar to notify you know of those days when you might want to make yourself scarce…

Those are my initial thoughts on useful useless inventions the world needs right now. A lot of time was put into thinking of these revolutionary proposals, but I’m sure I may stumble on some brilliant ideas in the future. If that’s the case I may add to this post or do a completely new one. But as a starter for ten I’d say there’s some pretty good ideas to be working on there. If Papa Bennett can use a bread maker twice, stick it in a cupboard for 20 years and call it a useful gadget then I see no reason why any of the above can’t fill up a stocking and clog up space in homes nationwide as well. I’ll be a millionaire in no time. Watch me.