Nablopomo Day 8: The Lesser of Two Evils (US General Election 2016)

November 8, 2016 My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) America, Humor, Humour, politics America, election, nablopomo

Given the countless number of blog posts, news articles, Facebook posts and general trollers out there, I’m going to keep this as short and sweet as possible. When it comes to my views on the Democratic nominee Hilary Clinton and the Republican contender Donald Trump, my opinion on the US general election 2016 is the same as my opinions on the 2012 general election. In fact they’re also the same as those felt for the 2008 general election, the 2004 general election and, had I not been so obsessed with Pokémon and rolling in mud, it probably would have been the same in 2000. My thoughts can be summed up in one statement is this:

Please America, just pick the normal one. The lesser of two evils.

It’s not too hard to do. Look, the other candidate has even been discovered as a massive homophobic/communist/sexist/racist/idiot. See! They’ve even admitted to it! (Wait, why are these people cheering?)

What I think I struggle with most about this election is that in a country of 324,707,000 people the two people put forward to rule country and, arguably, the world are not liked by anyone in said country. It genuinely makes no sense. Big shocker – the normal one everyone usually falls back on isn’t actually quite the saint everyone desperately wanted to be. Suddenly everyone would rather former President Hoover was resurrected and brought back to stand office – and he was the man that caused the Great Depression of 1929-1945.

Now, I know in the UK we’re not quite up there in size with America but I’m going to say one thing – British Empire. Ok, so that in mind, I’d say we can draw fair comparisons between our two political spectrums. How come when our former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, was caught on tape in 2010 describing a voter as a ‘bigoted woman’, it literally spelt the end of his political carrier, yet Donald Trump has woman after woman claiming indecent assault and he is somehow able to shrug it off? If you told me our two countries were inhabited by creatures as different as fish and unicorns I’d understand, but on the surface the only things separating us (and I’m going to overly generalise here) are our differing accents and Wendy’s. So why are we in this position? Why am I going to bed thinking the same thing on a four year rotation? And why is it getting progressively worse each time? If the slightly better candidate gets in this time, are we only delaying the inevitable car crash when, in four years’ time, I’ll switch on my TV to see the political debate being fought over by Big Bird and Barney the Dinosaur?

I know it’s too late for this election. The nominees were decided months ago and your votes have well and truly been cast. The decision has been made. However, whatever the result tonight/tomorrow, America I ask of you only this:

For the love of God, don’t screw our planet up.

Nabloposmo Day 3: Common Office Jargon – a Translation Guide

November 3, 2016 My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Humor, Humour, Office nabloposmo, Office

A simple translation guide for the generic terminology and sayings normally heard around an office environment.

General Conversation

“Hi, how are you?” – I’m making small talk with you because it’s polite.

“Good thanks, you?” – I’m responding to your small talk with a simple answer so we can get to business.

“Hey, are you busy?” – The answer to this question is irrelevant, you’re about to be given something to do.

“I don’t suppose you can have a look at this with me?” – I value your opinions on this and need to cover my arse if it all goes belly up.

“We need to go back to the supplier and tell them…” – Either myself or you need to get in touch with the supplier and explain this (ideally you).

“The deadline is flexible” – There’s a bit of leeway for when this work needs to be finished.

“This is a firm deadline” – You’re in big trouble if you don’t get this work completed on time.

“Only if it’s not too much trouble” – Even if it is too much trouble you’re still doing this for me.

“Roy from accounts is a #*&@+~>#!!” – “Roy from accounts is not my favourite person.”

“*various expletives shouted at screen*” – perhaps now is a good time to keep your head down.

“Going forward” – Based on the past, this is what can/will be improved in the future, hopefully. Conversational example, “the office block caught on fire last week. What can we learn from this?” “Well, going forward we now know that fires are started by hot things.”

Telephone Etiquette

“Hello, The John Smith Glitter Company, we make your dreams sparkle and shine, Alice speaking, how may I help?” – I’m dying a little inside every time I answer the phone. I dare you to ask me to repeat that again.

“I’m sorry, they’re in a meeting right now” – there are various places they could be, but it’s not here.

“Let me give you her email” – my colleague doesn’t want you to be constantly calling, but if they’re interested they will be in touch. More likely not, but let’s keep you hoping.

“Can I get that in writing?” – there’s either too much information to process or I’m covering my backside in case I need to refer to this later on.

“We really value your custom” – (Customer Services) We don’t really care either way. (Everyone else) I’m either sucking up to you or apologising on someone’s else’s behalf.

Singular vs Plural

“The printer is useless” – the thing in the corner is broken, again.

“The printers are useless” – our suppliers are not quite putting 100% effort in.

Other Terminology

Synergy – A fancy word used in presentations. Meaning: unknown.

Working from home – they’re at home watching daytime TV.

Meetings – where everyone gathers to discuss things. Degrees of importance/length vary, as does quality of snack and refreshment items.

Training Course – a session used to expand your knowledge or understanding of a particular element. The ‘fun’ ones are usually compulsory.

Expenses – Depending on where you work and what you do, you can sometimes claim money back on things purchased (e.g. train tickets, food, coffee, three course lunches, first class plane tickets, a BMW…).

Expense Claims – Pulling every trick/excuse in the book to get your money back from finance.

Annual Leave – the best piece of legislation ever enforced (just so long as you don’t log into the work email).

Missed any? Let me know in the comments below!

Day 1: National Blog Posting Month (nablopomo) – Introduction

November 1, 2016 My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) #blog, comedy, Humor, Humour nabloposmo

November may mark the end of STOPtober and the start of Movember, but during this chilly month there’s also another craze which sweeps across the globe, affecting those who are either word sociopaths or those who still live with their mum. I’m talking about National Blog Posting month, also known as nablopomo (*cue fanfare and confetti ribbons*).

Never heard of it? Let me explain. National Blog Posting Month sets bloggers the challenge of writing a post every day throughout the month of November with the aim of raising awareness of blogging and to inspire people to get into writing. Yep, because blogging really is up there with raising awareness of Syria or prostate cancer…

Still, as at this present time I am unable to be Joanna Lumley or grow a moustache I thought I’d set myself the challenge of writing something everyday. Anyone who knows me and my crazy busy lifestyle well (9-5 job, social group manager x 2, gym-er, baker, commuter, blogger and now local paper reporter, oh and these hangers on called friends and family), well it doesn’t take a smart arse to see that fitting in a blog post every day on top of that is going to be pret-ty interesting. Heads up now, they won’t all be masterpieces, they won’t all be thousands of words long with a million photos and witty anecdotes, but ultimately they will be blog posts. Should be interesting to see how this goes when I forced into quantity rather than quality (before you comment on that last statement, shush).

Similarly, I really don’t intend to flood my various social media outposts with every single post I upload. For one, it takes time (refer to list of extra curricular activities above – I have none as it is) and secondly I’m determined to not become ‘that guy’ who turns their blog into their literal baby. Even I’m prepared to accept not all my posts are belters – I appreciate you guys politely smiling at them (so to speak) but I’m concerned that if I push it too far my fan base of four is going to plummet significantly during the course of the month.

So there you have it, happy November, Movember, Blog Posting Month, Christmas Fever Settling In Month Like It Or Not Month or whatever you want to call it. If you want to support me during this month please feel free to send me donations. Any money received with be invested into wine. Wine, coffee and chocolate.

Here goes! Wish me luck.

Halloween – What IS it All About?

October 30, 2016 My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Humor, Humour Halloween

Halloween is a funny old festival isn’t it?

I mean think about it, we’re told from birth that it’s not ok to scare people and to tell your sister she’s ugly is not a nice thing, yet on one day every year it’s suddenly acceptable. On 31st October it’s perfectly fine to make yourself look like something from The Walking Dead, or look like a slutty zombie nurse (FYI – who decided that was an attractive concept?) and walk around town making people feel uncomfortable.

anarexia — Argh! Oh my God, it’s as if a skeleton nurse just walked into the room!

Only one day a year is it acceptable for nations to get into fancy dress on the town. Not even at Christmas is there one designated day for it, and on Valentine’s day I’d actually be more disturbed to see what people did/didn’t wear. For that matter I’d be more curious why they were out in fancy dress in the first place. Weird thoughts Alice, reign it in…

I really cannot judge in the slightest, last night I was out on the town as part of a Halloween social with my 18-30 group where I was dressed as an attractive witch (because there is a line between nun and zombie wonder woman Jenna Marbles…)

If anything it made me wish I could spend the other 364 days a year walking around in a green and black dress and pointed hat and used my vast array of attractive faces on passers by.

(Honestly, at the moment my faces are vastly under used and appreciated. It’s a crying shame.)

Halloween also is also probably the only time of year where I can wear black lipstick, apply a grey filter to photos and, after a couple of glasses of wine, tell myself I should rock the goth look more often. Even though gothic Alice would quite literally be the most hilarious thing and would probably offend many people in the process.

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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, why do I somehow manage to always look better when I’m merry? I look better, but conversation level is never at it’s peak unless you want me to tell you how wonderful you are. Another reason why I can’t do goth, too ruddy adorable.

I really, really could go on at great length about Halloween costumes. There’s just so much to talk about, discuss and, ultimately, judge about what people choose to wear and the amount of effort people put into their outfits. Time and effort that results in a) a decent look which wows people for all of 10 seconds b) a outfit that looks half-arsed or c) an outfit well put together, but incredibly distasteful and/or one which ends up with the wearer getting punched. I’ll leave costumes at that.

It’s also at Halloween that I feel twice my age. Why? Because I inevitably go into shops and say ‘when I was a kid there wasn’t any of this tat. You had one ceramic jack-o-lantern and a pumpkin with two triangles and a rectangle for a mouth. And yet in recent years I’ve found that if you go to the Halloween section in a discount shop on, or near to, the day itself, you’d think they’d been stocking medical supplies when a deadly virus struck or that they’d been displaying Furbys or whatever kids what for Christmas nowadays.

The fun and games my sister had was a brutal game called ghost in the dark. One of us put on a large blanket and dashes about in the dark, the other has to grab them and throw the ghost onto the sofa. Those where the early days of ‘night out’ bruises – how neither of us sustained more serious injuries is forever a mystery. All said and done though, living in the middle of nowhere we never went trick or treating, there were no costumes or sweets or house parties and, as far as I was aware, there wasn’t much of a buzz for it nationally either. I don’t really know when it changed, but as the famous British theorem goes, “if in doubt, blame the Americans”. I think the whole Mexican festival of Day of the Dead must have played an impact but then that’s a tradition dating back centuries, why is it only now that it’s become a big deal? Are skulls in fashion nowadays, alongside owls and scatter cushions? Hmm, it’s all a mystery to me.

At any rate, happy Halloween people. If there’s anything that I guess you could say about October 31st, it’s not a festival that is heavily rooted in modern day religion, it is something that anyone and everyone can throw their full weight into.

For those who have been out this weekend celebrating, I hope it was a good one, to those going out tomorrow, I hope it is a good one. However your nights went or do go, just remember this; no matter what it could always be worse. You could be a cat being made to wear loo role against your will, even though you know it looks pants and does nothing for your street cred.

Happy Halloween.

An Unwise Wisdom Tooth

October 23, 2016 My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) comedy, Humor, Humour, Medicine Dentist, Tooth

As I found myself sat in a medical waiting room all I could think of (besides the pain) was “here we go again”.

This time around however there were some minor differences. For one, the cause of my being there was not a smashed in face, but a troublesome wisdom tooth (unfortunately there are no photo ‘beauties’ of my injuries. I mean who can forget this stunner?)

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Also, due to the severity and urgency of my condition, I was in the waiting room of a private dentist instead of one belonging to a NHS dentist (the type I would normally choose). Having your regular dentistry tell you that ‘there are no dentists on site on a Friday’ and suggest you call 111 or go to A&E is a bit of an inconvenience when you have a tooth protruding into your cheek. In such a state I was happy to take mumma Bennett’s advice and go private. Thanks also to the quick thinking and research of mumma Bennett, I was able to go to one locally which had an emergency appointment slot. Unfortunately this slot was in 20 minutes and I had no idea where I was going. Never in my life did I expect to be running to the dentist.

With (somehow) a bit of time to spare I was able to take in the waiting room. The background music was a suitable soundtrack of Heart Radio (because who doesn’t love a bit of Ed Sheeran?) but I’ll leave you to spot the main difference between the private waiting room compared to an NHS one:

Well, other than the fact it’s the most stylish waiting room I’ve ever been in, there were zero people in there. Heck, even the receptionist left me alone for a while. I know it goes without saying but in the NHS waiting rooms are considerably busier. Also, the people on reception never put out free tubes of toothpaste and if they did they’d watch you like a hawk to put you off taking them. I may have taken a few…(look, if I’m going to go private I’ve got to try and offset the costs somehow.)

Went in to see the dentist and he confirmed what I knew to be the case, that it was the wisdom tooth causing the pain I was experiencing. What I didn’t quite realise was how bad it had become. Over the course of several weeks the tooth had started to stick into my cheek and, well, rub. It certainly explained why it was hurting to talk and eat and also why the mass consumption of gum aesthetic had done me no good but made my throat numb to hot drinks (when one is in pain, one much clutch at silver linings). The dentist also showed me a delightful photo image of the tooth in question on a screen in front of me. I know I’m British but I couldn’t help feel a bit awkward as I lay in a chair with the pair of us spending about five minutes looking at my infected cheek. To my knowledge in the NHS it’s “your tooth needs to come out”, “ok” and you go from there. It was when he asked to have the image saved that my mind started to wonder. I mean, what does he want to do with that photo? Does he have a album of all the wisdom teeth he’s ever pulled out, or does he just keep the favourites? When I leave, will I have the option to select the image and get it made into a key ring?

Wisdom tooth extraction is, in my squeamish mind, not something I find either interesting or fun to talk about. Number one reason why I couldn’t be a dentist? The noises. I’ll leave it there.

Surgery done and dusted I was presented with the tooth. I wasn’t really sure what I was meant to say, whether I was meant to go ‘yippee!’ or ‘good, I can verify you are a dentist now”. Not knowing what to go with, the first thing that sprang into my mind, the very thing I thought would be appropriate in this situation was simply “well, I’m certainly not going to get that put on a necklace!” The room was silent. I’ll admit the statement lacked impact on account of the aesthetic and the cotton wool shoved in my mouth. The delivery was a little off.

I tried to salvage the situation when the dentist asked me with genuine concern if someone was coming to pick me up. “Oh yes,” I said, “family are coming. I’m going to walk home from here, it isn’t far.” I pointed out the window to a patch of street paving, “I’ll just avoid walking on that stretch of pavement, I tripped and smashed my head on the pavement there a few months back!” I said it light heartedly, but instead of mild chuckles, the dentist looked at me in a very concerned way. The nurse looked at me like I was a puppy with a broken leg. I knew I wasn’t going to win over this crowd. I left the room like a true stand up comedian.

“Err, anyway, thank you very much for seeing me,” I said, “it’s been a blast!” And walked out the room.

A blast?! I’d just had a dentist rip out a tooth from my gums and I described the whole experience as a blast? All I can hope is that the awful humour can be explained on the drugs migrating from mouth to brain.

I tell you what certainly wasn’t a blast, the bill. Yep, that would be the main difference between NHS and private. Again, I can only assume the numbing drugs helped me get over that.

Anywho, post surgery I was unable to smile but that was about it. Here is proof of me trying so hard to use my face muscles, so hard:

You can probably see a little it of swelling, but luckily that is the extent of the physical short-term impact of the extraction.

I’ve been feeling a bit up and down but I’ll be back in work and back to my normal, fully blown awkward self in no time. Maybe I’ll even start thinking up what my next calamity in about six months’ time will be…

A Complete Numpty’s Guide to Baking

October 12, 2016 My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Baking, comedy, Humor, Humour Baking, cake

Fairy Cakes à la Alice

This is a favourite recipe of mine, inspired by the immortal words of Tumblr:

“It’s not about the destination, but the journey”

You will need:

2 eggs

3oz caster sugar

3oz butter, softened

3oz self-raising flour (plus extra)

½ teaspoon baking powder

Fudge loads of random stuff to add in the name of ‘spur of the moment experimentation’

For decoration:

Cake cases that will undoubtedly prove to be too big or too small later on

An unqualified amount of icing sugar

Too much water OR too much butter

Fudge loads of random stuff to add in the name of ‘spur of the moment experimentation’

Method

Baking

Preheat the oven to 180c (erm, gas mark…4?)
Get out your twelve, holed, cake/bun tray thingy out (you know the one). Put cake cases in the holes and congratulate yourself for doing a good job thus far
Weigh out ingredients (do people put ‘weigh out ingredients’ in the method? Or are you expected to have already done that? Oh well)
Put flour, butter, sugar and baking powder into a mixing bowl. Whisk eggs separately and slowly add to the mixture whilst beating
Once mixed you may think “this is a bit runny” in which case add extra flour. How much? The length of a piece of string
Add random ingredients into the mix. Berries, flavourings, golden syrup (personal favourite), wine…
Evenly divide mixture between the cake cases. Don’t forget to leave a suitable amount of batter behind for personal consumption.
Put in the oven and bake for around 15 minutes or until golden brown. Put the TV on.
About 20 minutes later suddenly realise the time, shout expletives and rush to the oven. Remove cakes just in time and leave to cool.

Post Dinner Decoration

Place cakes on a plate or suitable decorating surface
Lay out all items of decoration and take in a moment to visualise how amazing your cakes are going to look. No one will care about the burnt edges or iffy flavours but they will look like God’s gift when you’re done
For butter cream icing mix icing sugar and butter and keep adding either ingredient to the mix until you final get the balance right and you find yourself with far too much icing
For simple icing sugar and water combo (classic) most normal people add water to icing sugar. For the à la Alice version though, put about 100ml water into a bowl and add sugar. Realise you don’t have enough icing sugar. Rope in housemate to lend you her sugar. Discover that even this isn’t enough. Scream into a pillow.
At 10pm, put on normal clothes and power walk down to local supermarket. Buy biggest bag of icing sugar they stock and rush back home
Add icing sugar to water until it vaguely resembles icing. Add in more golden syrup (no reason). You’ll now have around a gallon of icing to cover twelve – fourteen small cakes
Apply far too much icing to each cake so that it leaks over the top of the cases. Curse the cases for being too small
Drizzle syrup on top, because one really can never have too much syrup. Mutter strong words when pretty syrup pattern melts into icing
Go into desperation mode and stick literally anything and everything on top. Sprinkles, sugar, edible decorations, just anything

Finishing Off

Stand back and admire handiwork:

Turn around and look at the carnage left behind:

Tidy up the essentials, leaving the kitchen area looking like a scene from CSI Bake Off:

The Aftermath

Eat/drink literally half a gallon of icing (i.e. pure sugar), eat one of the cakes and then have the world’s biggest sugar crash. Wake up the next morning with a sugar hangover and vowing to never go through that again in a hurry.

Take cakes into work, have them devoured by colleagues and be worshipped like a baking Goddess.

Voila! Fairy Cakes à la Alice = Baking success

A Spanish Sunday in September

September 25, 2016September 25, 2016 My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Humor, Humour, Spain Spain, Spanish, Sunday

(I know right – all of the ‘S’s! Can you tell this girl works in marketing?)

With the weather being truly glorious today, many in the Bennett household are taking this opportune chance to moan about the weather, well, BBC’s Weather to be precise.

“This wasn’t forecast for today”

“It was meant to be sunny yesterday and rain today, not the other way round!”

“It’s too hot for my body warmer!”

To be fair, it is what we’re best at doing in this country. Weather moaning is a skill that has taken centuries to hone in. It’s what makes us British.

Owing perhaps to the delightful temperatures, I’ve spent a great deal of the day in a somewhat Spanishy mood. Oh, I hear you ask, have you been nibbling on some chorizo or sipping on sangria? Have you been learning the steps of the flamenco or viewing the works of Picasso? No, in answer to your theoretical questions I have not been doing any of these things. I have not even sampled any of the authentic cuisines of Spain recommended by Papa Bennett (these being pizza, paninis and baguettes. Tres authentic dishes.) Not a crumb has passed these lips. In fact the only thing which has made today particularly Spanishy in outlook, aside from the unseasonably hot weather, is this song:

This song has been stuck in my head all day. It’s by no means a bad thing, it’s very cheery in outlook, but it’s coming into my life at the worst possible time. It’s late September and as Muma Bennett has delightfully reminded me, next week it’ll be October. This is a song full of up beat vibes and Summer feelings. The lyrics, the music, the video, it is all dripping in it. I do not want to be thinking of this song when it is pouring down with rain and blowing up gale force ten winds outside. And do not get me started on how this song sits next to the High Street’s ever increasing need to shove Christmas down my throat as early as possible. All joking aside, there is a very real possibility that if I listen to this song at the wrong moment this year’s Secret Santa will be getting a mango. This song is also a nice little reminder of my non-existent lingual skills. That ‘learn Spanish’ New Year’s resolution was ditched way back on January 5th. I mean I’m here bopping away in my head to this song without any idea or context to what Paulina is signing about. Before today I’d never witnessed this music video. I’ll be honest, I found the song on a Latino Spotify playlist whilst I was having a hipster moment and I have cradled the track as my own ever since. All I’m getting from this video is that the song has something to do with obsessive stalkers and paint. (It says something about my mental age when the first thing that sprung to mind was “thing of the cleaning costs!”)

So, on what must surely be the last Sunny Sunday of the year, let’s all make the most of the upbeat vibes and let a little summer back into our lives for what remains of the day. That would be just brillo (because if you stick an ‘O’ on the end of any word, it makes it officially Spanish).

I really need to give those CDs another go.

Brace Yourself…This Blog is About to go Off the Chain

September 22, 2016September 22, 2016 My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Humor, Humour #blog, #book

…Why I hear you ask? Two things:

a) This is the fourth post in one week (it must be all that semi-skimmed milk, the fat has gone to my head)

b) I’ve recently purchased this book:

I mean, not that my blog was lacking before (I think we all can agree it’s the funniest thing since sliced bread), but now thanks to this book I can start myself on the route to fame and blogging fortune. It’s almost enough for me to chuck in the whole career thing and make my sole living off witty commentaries.

I’ve already learnt so much, for example did you know that public blogs can be viewed by everyone on the planet? That one knocked me right for six. I’ve also learnt that a ‘proper’ blogger should blog at least three times a week, hence why I’m gloating that I’ve somehow managed to put up four new posts in one week. Don’t get too comfortable with it though, I mean these bad boy writing skills take time to compose. I’d rather upload one post in two weeks than eight one liners in the same space of time.

Now it may say something about the previous owner when there are numerous frustrated scribbles and highlighted sentences, and I suppose their decision to ‘donate’ it to an Oxfam book shop may also speak volumes, but then I suppose they just didn’t have natural talent to nourish.

I’m not pinning my hopes of world domination and success on this one £3.49 book, I mean that would be silly. I will say this though; brace yourselves to have your minds utterly blown.

(…And if your minds aren’t blown? Well that’s the fault of the book, not me.)

100 Things to Do Instead of Watching The Great British Bake Off

September 21, 2016September 21, 2016 My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Baking, Humor, Humour Baking, GBBO, Great British Bake Off

Unless you’re a Mexican flamingo whose had its head stuck in a pile of sand for the past few weeks, you’ll be very much aware that The Great British Bake Off (alias GBBO, hereafter ‘Bake Off’) has triumphantly returned to television screens up and down the land.

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This delightful cookery-based competition has been gracing UK television sets for seven years now but in truth it feels like judges Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood have always been part of our lives.

Great British Bake Off

In fact a few weeks ago I came to the conclusion that Mary and Paul were born as they are now. Mary was never an infant, moody teenager or rebellious 20-something, she has always been the endearing grandmother partial to a gin and tonic (or two).

Paul has always been the uncle who you know loves you, yet at the same time you feel you have to earn that right to be loved. He’s also the uncle who is banned from Tesco’s bakery aisle due to excessive poking of goods.

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Now those of you of a nervous disposition may want to leave the room when I say this, but there are those out there who (and I say this with a deep calming breath), there are those who do not like Bake Off.

Deep breaths, deep breaths. 1..2…3…4…5. Ok, I think I’m good.

I don’t know whether to feel angry or sorry for these persons. This is a minority group who has never experienced the elevation of a Paul Hollywood handshake or the despair of watching a baker’s gingerbread house fall apart at the very last second. Bake Off can make you experience every single emotion in the space of 58 minutes and all through the medium of cake. On paper it sounds like this is impossible to achieve, like I’m over inflating this show’s abilities like a puffed up pastry. But I’m not. Until you watch this show and give it your full attention you’re never really going to get it.

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Something I am prepared to accept is that due to the Bake Off effect there is very little else on TV between 8 and 9pm on Wednesday night if you’re not tuning into the show. This is something I can help out with. Like a trusted and highly professional councillor I will leave people to discover the joys of Bake Off for themselves. In the meantime, here is a list of things you can do to pass away the hour whilst Bake Off is on. Just pick a number between 1 and 100 and hey presto! You have something to do instead of watching soggy bottoms and plump buns. (To be honest if that sentence doesn’t convince you to watch Bake Off nothing will. Moving on…)

100 Things to do Instead of Watching Bake Off:

1. Watch Bake Off

2. Ok, ok, watching Bake Off isn’t an option. Other things to do…

3. Draw a picture

4. Look up the weather for the next few days

5. Read up on the news because lets be painfully honest, the world has bigger problems then the rise on their sour bread dough

6. Watch cat videos on YouTube

7. End up in ‘that part’ of YouTube

8. Look out the window and people watch (judge them for not being as productive as oneself)

9. (Realise these people are actually being productive in taking exercise.) Go for a walk

10. Go onto a buying channel and make a reckless impulse buy (buy that rotisserie cleaner, it’s what life is missing)

11. Do an IQ test

12. Go food shopping

13. Get back and discover an essential item has been forgotten, go back to the shop again

14. Watch catch up TV

15. Call Mum

16. Buy an intellectual book. (War and Peace? Pfft, easy!)

17. Read the online synopsis and reviews of said book (e.g. War and Peace) and realise it’s actually a hard read. Buy the TV adaptation

18. Read a magazine instead

19. Binge on wine and chocolate

20. Cry that a) Bake off is leaving the BBC and b) that Mel and Sue are not going to present it

21. Text an old friend and arrange to meet up

22. Tinder

23. Convince yourself you’ll be single forever

24. Download a cool new app to replace time spent on Tinder

25. Learn a new dance, because you’re Beyoncé

26. Join a local club

27. Learn a language

28. Enrol on an evening course

29. Blog

30. (If above is not possible, start a blog)

31. Go through photos online and clear out anything that you wouldn’t want an employer to see

32. Create a LinkedIn profile

33. Update the CV

34. Write a book

35. Job hunt

36. Work on that essay/dissertation/homework/report

37. Buy a new music album

38. Paint nails

39. Watch make up tutorials online

40. Have a shower

41. Research summer holidays

42. One word: Christmas

43. Make a proper dinner for once

44. Call up the landlord to chase him over the broken freezer, again

45. Book tickets to the music gig/festival/event you’ve been forgetting about

46. Call British Gas to discuss recent energy bill

47. Be put on hold

48. Still on hold

49. Seriously?

50. Complain to British Gas about being on hold and end up forgetting what the call was about in the first place

51. Have an existential crisis

52. Scream into a pillow

53. Hit the gym

54. Do the washing

55. Iron the clothes that live in ‘the pile’

56. Start budgeting finances

57. Watch a film

58. Watch a David Attenborough documentary and convince yourself you know everything about nature

59. Look up deadly animals around the world

60. Shave and/or wax

61. Wrap and write Birthday presents and cards to those distant relatives you don’t really care that much about

62. Read up on local events/exhibitions happening in the area

63. Go onto meetup.com and join a social group

64. Watch Homes Under the Hammer

65. Look up local house prices and tell yourself you’ll be renting forever

66. Look up the cost of raising a family and kid yourself you want to be childless forever

67. Check online banking

68. Acknowledge spending money on petty items has to stop

69. Buy a samurai sword

70. Eat pie

71. Make plans for the weekend

72. Look up what films are out at the moment

73. Play FIFA/Call of Duty

74. Go for a run

75. Tidy the house

76. Clean the bathroom

77. Watch another program on a different channel

78. Play Bake Off drinking games (with/without friends, depending what sort of day it is)

79. After a few shots, find oneself uncomfortably attracted to Paul and/or Mary

80. Stalk Facebook friends

81. Do a Facebook ‘cull’ clearing out all the friends that haven’t been seen in decades

82. Send a well-crafted Tweet to a favourite celebrity

83. Log onto work emails. After all, what could possibly have come in since 5pm?

84. Spend entire evening dealing with work emails

85. Plan a big event

86. Go to the pub

87. Walk and wash the dog

88. Wash the car

89. Create an awesome music playlist

90. Sleep

91. Look up ways to volunteer locally

92. Rescan the Freeview

93. Learn ‘the offside rule’

94. Learn the difference between eyeliner (liquid and pencil), eye shadow and mascara

95. Have a cup of tea

96. Do that thing that has been ignored/put off for too long

97. Make a paper plane

98. Learn the periodic table

99. Actually bake something

100. Count down the minutes until it’s all over

And before you ask, no, of course I didn’t put this definitive list together whilst watching Bake Off. Thanks to the WordPress Gods I was able to write this days ago and get it scheduled in to be published during Bake Off. This post goes live at a time slot when I knew anti-Bake Off sentiment would be at it’s peak and therefore a good time for you to read it.

Did you think I was crazy or something?

Follow ‘Grimgrad’ on Instagram for Your Chance to Win*

September 16, 2016 My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Humor, Humour Instagram

Can I just get something out of the way first? Whenever someone says ‘follow me’ I have to listen to this song:

(If I don’t it’ll only bug me for the rest of the day.)

As the title suggests, I have taken the plunge and joined the world of Instagram. When it came to entering the selfie-laden, filter-obsessive world of Instagram I have to admit I was a bit apprehensive. I didn’t want to become a mindless food critic, taking snaps of my amazing quinoa bean salad, and I certainly didn’t want to become Kim Kardashian (a possibility which was/is very likely to happen):

(In case you’re wondering, I’m the one on the right.)

I also knew I’d have to start to combat my difficultly in pronouncing the app’s name correctly. The ‘a’ sound in Instagram sounds so harsh, I naturally want to call it ‘InstARgrARm’ not ‘InstAHgrAm’. Classic case of Alice vs 6.9999… billion people. It’s an ongoing battle and truth be told the only way I can get over posh girl syndrome is to tell myself that if I start calling it ‘InstARgram’ then I’m going to have to start softening all A sounds, in which case I’d become ARlice. I don’t think I can bring myself to that, at least not until I own a Polo club.

These fears overcome, I’ve created my own Insta account, username grimgrad.

Because I wanted to stand out from the crowd on this photo sharing platform I’ve decided to apply my classic blogging banter style to my profile. Turns out it’s actually an easy enough thing to do. Anyone who knows me understands that, since starting a blog, I will literally photo anything of mild amusement. It will 99% of the time make no sense to anyone else, but to me it’s a potential image to use on an upcoming blog post. The only problem with doing this is that more often than not I’m left with reams of random photos on my phone. Photos which for whatever reason didn’t quite make it to the blog, however are a bit too random for me to just throw out there for my friends to see on Facebook. (I don’t think I could deal with the rejection of a ‘no like’ photo, it would be too much to handle.)

In short, there’s now a brand new outlet if you want a quick dose of grimgrad and MHAM goodness. Follow grimgrad on Instagram today and you could be viewing wonderfully witty photos like these:

untitled — No reduced white bread in shop. I guess I’ll be going without fibre this week.

Wow, just what I always needed in my life!

This corner of my bedroom is a scarily accurate portrayal of my life right now

In other news, Swindon council deny claims that budget cuts have impacted on local signage.

When bae decides he wants to watch you sleep instead of doing the respectable thing and buggering off. #daddylongleggs

I think you’ll agree it’s worth a cheeky follow.

*Competition rules – by following Alice’s Instagram feed you are entering yourself in for the chance to win one of three prizes: 1. Swindon/English air, delivered by air mail. 2. a daddy long legs. Alice will throw it out the window and yell “GO AWAY! GO AND PESTER MR J SMITH” (Alice claims no responsibility if said insect is eaten/gets lost/gets crushed by an impatient Alice whilst in transit). 3. the chance to go on a no-expense paid holiday to Kenya, courtesy of your own wallet.

All entrants will receive Alice E. Bennett’s semi-dying gratification.

Any questions can be addressed to the dead Daddy Long Legs on my wall.

Good luck.