Author: My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett)

“Joshua and the Promised Land” is so bad it’s beautiful

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Film, Humour , , , ,

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the 2003 Christian epic “Joshua and the Promised Land”

Image credit: IMDB

But don’t take my word for it (and the high quality design of the DVD cover), check out the film for yourself.

Yes, I am twenty years late to the party. Probably because the creators had tried to bury it.

For those without an hour to spare, here’s a three minute compilation of highlights (although not all off them, otherwise the video would be the same length as the original).

The reviews left by viewers make the 60 minutes of torment all the more worthwhile. Take these examples lifted from Amazon (where you can currently buy a copy of the DVD for c. $190):

5 Stars- This movie was the best that has happened from Christianity. This movie single handedly saved my marriage, better than the Bible you don’t even need to read the Bible after watching movie great for kids to experience Christianity through the best media possible!

5 stars – Me and my wife were considering a divorce prior to seeing this film. We were going through some tough times after we lost our 4th child, Jimothy. Jimothy was the glue that held our “little” family together. After he died, my wife and I just didn’t see each other the same. Then, on one glorious day, a package came to our door. It came in a box, a simple box, there were no special markings or distinguishing figures, just a box. I opened the package and saw what I believed to be a children’s film, I was very very wrong. Joshua the Lion is a tale about adventure, godliness, and most importantly family. After my wife and I saw the mended relationship between Joshua’s parents, we too knew we could save our marriage.

IMDB is a bit more critical on the rankings, but the descriptions are just as brilliantly conceived:

1/10 – This Movie Caused the Great Depression. This movie is so incredibly bad, that it caused the Great Depression. After seeing this movie, people’s faith in companies to provide quality products plummeted. This caused almost every business to go bankrupt, as no one was buying their products. People also lost faith in the banks, as they put so much money into this movie that they had no money to pay back the citizens. This threw the U.S economy into a downward spiral, and left the country in ruins. Overall, I would say that we burn all physical copies of the DVD to get rid of the memories of this tragic time period.

1/10 – Joshua and the reason i ripped all my hair out. This movie was decent until i actually started watching it. This movie made me cry, and not because it was emotional, but because of not only the god awful, horrible, student film quality looking animations, but i was so sad about the 55 minutes of my life that i will never get back, that i am 90% sure that i contracted chronic depression. This movie’s voice acting sounded like Gary Busey with a sinus infection. And what self-righteous 40 year old kindergarden student at the school of animation, thought to themselves, “Oh you know what would be clever? My last name is Lion, so lets make all the characters lions!” This movie looks like somebody decided to make lugaru into a movie and somehow used even worse quality character models than that. Overall this movie is the bane of my existance and i would rather chew gum i found on the bottom of a desk than watch it again.

And so on, and so on.

A few days later I discovered the film had a deleted scene. A deleted scene that makes no sense whatsoever. The YouTuber Saberspark does a great walkthrough of it in a way that makes it just about bearable:

So now you too have this film etched into your collective conscience.

Well…you’re welcome!

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Book Review: “Level Up! A Game Plan for Entrepreneurs” by Frank Suyker

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Rating: 1 star

Headline: It is sadly game over for this short business management guide to branding

Review:

To use its full title, Level Up! A game plan for entrepreneurs to take their brand to the next level and stand out in a sea of sameness (hereafter Level Up!), is a business management self-help guide by Dutch author Frank Suyker.

Level Up! is broken down into three parts: “Brand and Core”, “Assets” and “Experience”, with exercises introduced in each area to help stimulate creativity, such as brand comparison tasks and word association. Utilising his personal experiences in establishing a brand and of those gleaned through attending various conferences, Suker’s book could be best targeted toward new starters in business, those looking to develop a new brand identity from scratch. At c. 100 pages (with plenty of spacing), it is a quick read.

Despite Suyker’s attempts to make this guide easy and accessible, this is not something I would be in a position to readily recommend to others. The content feels very light on the ground, with factual assertions not backed up with any supporting evidence. For example, “estimates are that there are 30,000,000 businesses in the USA”. In this case, is Suyker referring to a business housing one employee or 1000? Readers placing their trust in self-help guides need to have confidence in the data, including the where, when and what behind the assertion.

This links me to another general comment on this book, grammar and presentation. For a book that devotes time to the importance of colour and imagery, the colours contrast is at points incredibly jarring. Capital letter statements absorbing whole pages in oversized fonts, a list of 50 words which the reader is asked to circle, a task made impossible because said words are set against a black background, a bright orange page with the caption “what does the colour orange trigger for you?” There is a strong reading disconnect with some of the design choices, as a reader you stop reading the content and focus only on the presentation. Level Up! would have benefitted so much more for having had the input of a professional editor and designer.

Deep within the pages of Level Up! there contains some small nuggets of insight. Would it make good content for a website or a magazine column? Yes. Does it make for an engaging book entry into the business management genre? On this occasion, sadly no.

AEB Reviews

Links

Reedsy Discovery Review: AEB Reviews – “Level Up! A Game Plan for Entrepreneurs”

Purchase Link: “Level Up! A Game Plan for Entrepreneurs” (Amazon)

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Writer’s Cartoon of the Week – “The Editor”

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) comedy, Humor, Humour, Mermaid, Uncategorized , , , ,

Full credit goes to Pia Guerra and Ian Boothby for this cartoon (lifted from The New Yorker Magazine’s Instagram account) that I know many writers will relate to.

In my case, my “editor” tends to be my boyfriend, and he is a rubbish one. He lets me ramble, resulting in me digging a massive hole for myself and revealing myself to be the utter muppet I am (probably why he lets me do it!)

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Book Review: “Outsmart the Money Magicians” by Christopher R Manske

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Rating: 3 stars

Headline: Slimmed down a little more, this book could have been a more direct read, without sacrificing quality

Review:

Times are tough, the prices of basic goods are increasing and inflation is shooting higher than the thermostat of my broken boiler. In these most perplexing of financial times, is it truly possible to successfully navigate the complicated world of investments and come out on top? In Christopher R Manske’s recent publication, Outsmart the Money Magicians, the answer in simple; yes, you can.

Spanning nearly 260 pages, Manske leads readers through this prickly subject matter, with the help of fictional case studies and magic tricks to highlight where would-be savers and investors can carefully side step any of the potential risks and potholes.

This book is very informative and Manske’s subject matter and passion for the topic of financial empowerment is clear from the off. Even though the book is written by an American author through an American economic lens, as a British reader it is very easy for me to grasp the hints and tips and understand the general economic principles detailed.

Where I am perhaps slightly less enamoured with this book is in the quantity of words. There are points where it feels like an excessive use of preamble is used to set the scene of the case studies, including the use of contemporary magic tricks which did not always tally up, in my mind, with the black and white financial guidance. Sadly that meant, in places, having to repeatedly read sections due to inadvertently skipping over words. Also, and this could be due to the version I was reviewing, but there are some minor formatting tweaks that need addressing (in the version I was able to review, “<H1>” references existed where headings occurred).

Outsmart the Money Magicians is a good book as an overall package even if I personally I do not feel every word is needed. Slimmed down, this book could have been a snappier and more direct read, without sacrificing the quality of content.

AEB Reviews

Links:

Reedsy Discovery Review: AEB Reviews – “Outsmart the Money Magicians” by Christopher R Manske

Purchase Link: “Outsmart the Money Magicians” by Christopher R Manske (Amazon)

Author website: Outsmart the Money Magicians

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“Swindon bin bag travels 15 minutes from home” is the best local news article I’ve read so far this year

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) British, comedy, Humor, Humour, Swindon, Uncategorized , , , , ,

I appreciate it’s a bit belated, considering the article was penned on 29th January, but honestly this article is quite possibly the best thing you’ll read all year.

Brought to you by local newspaper the Swindon Advertiser, “Swindon bin bag travels 15 minutes from home” follows the story of a lost recycling bag which, you guessed it, was blown away in recent storms, ending up a location that is 15 minutes away by foot.

“I expected to see an address on it for my street…but was shocked to see the Church’s name on it as that is a fair distance for it to be blown in the wind…I placed it on the railings where I found it and decided the decent thing to do was post its location so someone could inform the church where to find it.” Emma Viggers, Swindon resident

The best bit comes at the end. After an article detailing the recycling bag’s journey, we get this as a journalistic afterthought:

Meanwhile, a structure at the Abbey Stadium was also damaged.

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Link to original article (and credit to Edward Burnett for originally reporting): Storm Isha: Swindon bin bag travels 15 minutes from home | Swindon Advertiser

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Poetry Review: “The Must-Be-Admired Things” by Gary Miranda

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Rating: 5 stars

Headline: A beautifully diverse range of poems that will melt even the coldest of hearts

Review:

The Must-Be-Admired Things is an anthology of poems by Gary Miranda. A respected poet in his own right, Miranda’s works have featured in a plethora of publications, including the American Scholar, West Coast Review and The New Yorker. This singular title marks a compilation of four previously published books and is a reflection of years of hard work invested by Miranda into his craft. And it is those years of devotion that really shines through because of it.

Miranda’s diverse range of poems, spanning those of only a few stanzas to multiple pages long, draws extensively on lived experiences. Many of the selected poems are further heightened in their imagery by clever observations that reflect the natural world. A particular favourite, “Visibilities” (originally published in Grace Period) brings the two worlds of humanity and fellow creature together to tap into the innocence of humans as being the only species who admire the skill and form of the natural world. After reading this poem, birdwatching trip at the lake will never be the same again.

Every one of the poems in this book is perfectly balanced and weighted. The tempo and bounce to each fits perfectly with the topics at hand (with those tackling harder discussions being punchier and direct, versus those that read with the slow-tempo ease of something written in the back of a rowing boat on calm waters). While reading this title it is incredibly easy to randomly land on a page and find a poem to best suit a mood for any given day. I had begun jotting down some choice lines to drop into my everyday conversations when I had to stop, the pages were filling up that fast.

There are few people who I would dissuade from reading The Must-Be-Admired Things. When then poetry is as carefree as this, it is of no surprise Miranda has as many publishing credits as he does.

AEB Reviews

Links:

Reedsy Discovery Review: AEB Reviews – “The Must-Be-Admired Things: Collected Poems & Translations”

Purchase Link: “The Must-Be-Admired Things: Collected Poems & Translations” (Amazon)

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My foot: an update

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) comedy, Humor, Humour, Medicine, Swindon, Uncategorized , ,

You know, it struck me the other day that I have this uncanny ability for calamity, like the time I tripped on a paving slab and did my noggin’ in.

Putting that to one side, an update to say things are going going better with my foot (you know, the one I tipped a mug of boiling water over). This was how it was looking before, after the skin had been taken off at a minor injuries unit and a couple of days into a course of antibiotics:

I’m intentionally leaving out photos of my swollen foot at the point boyfriend Ben dragged me into an urgent care unit.A week later after the first bandage, my foot was looking more like this:

Battling infection was a low point, alongside the accompanied pain, and balancing antibiotics with my primal need to constantly eat. (‘Take one tablet four times a day, at least one hour before food and two hours after food.” Hmm…this is going to be a truly rubbish week!’)

Comedy point was when I tried to keep my foot dry in the shower by sticking a plastic bag over my foot, held in place by a hair band. Not only did it fail within seconds, giving me a soaking bandage, I also nearly slipped in the shower.

I also realised afterwards the bag was from a Chinese takeaway I’d had the week before. I’m nothing if not true to brand.

In all the ups and downs, I consider myself incredibly lucky to have had a supportive family network around me, one which have both taken care and refused to let me out of their sight where herbal tea is concerned. It is thanks to them that I’m well on my way to feeling more myself, even if it has been a slower process than I had initially expected.

It won’t stop me drinking my beloved cups of tea (and coffee), though.

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Poetry Review: “Dancing Words” by Jocelyne Smallian-Khan

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Book, Book Review, Humour, Review , , , ,

Rating: 3 stars

Headline: A likeable and pleasant read, with the author’s creativity providing energy and bounce on every page

Review:

Dancing Words is a collection by the poet Jocelyne Smallian-Khan. Smallian-Khan’s thirty one poems are themed around dance and movement, many of which being dedicated to individuals close to the author. Lengths and styles of the poems vary, including haikus, one stanza statements and poems spanning multiple pages.

This is a nice little collection of poems and I am quite sure any reader will find a favourite in amongst the collection. Two standout favourites for me are the short a sweet three liner “Temple Dancer” which considers the movement portrayed in ancient art and “Tannoura, Tannoura, Tannoura”. The latter rates highly for its quirkiness and the author’s decision to twist the words into a circle shape which adds unexpected energy and bounce to the content.

Where I perhaps would have liked more in Smallian-Khan’s work is in her use of description and imagery, which felt frustratingly lacking. In most cases the poems are too short to be given the room to breathe and expand in the reader’s imagination. They are over too soon. The use of international dialect also creates confusion, it makes some of the poems a harder experience to read. It is hard to truly become immersed in poetry if you cannot understand what is being conveyed. That said, I am the first to accept that as a native English speaker with poor grasp on global language this could be a case of reader error.

To the right readership, the type who revel in short and snappy poetry, there is a lot to take away in Dancing Words. Those in search of beefy sagas, poems with ample detail and strong visuals may need to look further afield. It makes for a likeable and pleasant read, just not something that can be so readily debated over in poetry groups.

AEB Reviews

Links:

Reedsy Discovery Review: AEB Reviews – “Dancing Words: A Poetry Collection” by Jocelyne Smallian-Khan

Purchase Link: “Dancing Words: A Poetry Collection” by Jocelyne Smallian-Khan (Amazon)

Author Website: https://jjsk.ca/

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Start 2024 as we mean to go on

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) comedy, Holiday, Humor, Humour, Theatre, Vacation, Wedding , , ,

2024 has gone swimmingly so far.

Towards the end of December 2023 I went to a pantomime (just don’t ask how many people in attendance fitted the category of aged 30 – 40…with parents). If you don’t know what pantomime is, check out this article, it does a much better job of explaining than I ever could.

Given the size of cast, it was a really production with each and everyone of the actors giving it their absolute all. The heckling from children in the audience had to be the ultimate highlight of the whole experience, with one calling out “it’s all common sense really!” as one cast member asked for help locating their ‘missing’ friends. (I don’t think they’d got the “it’s behind you!” part of the audience participation script.)

You know what isn’t fun though? Copyright claims. So you’ll have to take a photo of me stood at the base of the theatre stairs as proof we had fun.

And then boyfriend Ben and I travelled up a wedding in Darlington, a location so far north that at one stage I wasn’t sure if I was going to get altitude sickness. (Turns out there is a world beyond Birmingham, who knew!)

It was a really lovely wedding which served as a fitting end to 2023 and an area to which boyfriend Ben and I have decided we will most certainly be visiting again. Although I’m still not entirely sold by Ben’s new hat (as lovely a wedding favour as it was…)

He’s still trying to convince me.

All the above in mind, shout out to the following places:

And then…

And then, Alice decided to pull a Calamity Jane and spectacularly slip-up on a stone doorstep, bruising one side of her body.

And then, less than 24 hours later, I dropped a cup of herbal tea all over my right foot. No milk, just pure boiling water straight onto my foot. (I’ll spare you the photos of immediately after, the bandages, creams, ice packs and numerous blisters.)

Safe to say any hopes of entering into the foot modelling market are now very much scuppered. And, if anyone else says to me “just put your best foot forwards!” I swear I’m going to start charging a penalty fee.

Oh well, you know what they say, start 2024 as you mean to go on.

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Book Review: “The Dog Stays and Other Stories” by Marjan Sierhuis

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Book, Book Review, Humour, Review , , ,

Rating: 4 stars

Headline: From laughter to tears, this is a book you will want to keep picking up

Review

In recent years the popularity of the short story has boomed. And it is easy to see why, some readers want their fiction in quick hits, some authors don’t need 500 pages to get a message across. Spurred on by the increased number of writing competitions favouring themselves to shorter bodies of text, authors across the world are seeing new possibilities in creative writing and picking up their short story pens.

The Dog Stays and Other Stories by the Canadian author Marjan Sierhuis is a broad and varied collection of stories, ranging from the semi-humourous “Mrs. Claus”, where an exhausted wife tries to persuade her husband to, for once, take a holiday (vacation) at Christmas, to those such as “Scott’s Mother” that confront the topic of human mortality head on. When it comes to Sierhuis’ writing, it would seem nothing is off the table.

Regardless of content, a contestant pattern emerges throughout in the strength of the author’s writing. Sierhuis’ writing is poetic and crisp, deploying familiar writing approaches time and time again to great effect. “The Summer of 2026” is one of my personal favourites for its clear sense of place, conveyed in only a brief few sentences. You can almost feel the sweat dribbling down your neck as you turn the page. With collections like these it can sometimes feel like the author has just thrown words on a page and barely given the copy a second glance. Quite the reverse, The Dog Stays and Other Stories is anything but a first draft.

An slight advisory to prospective readers is that the contents of this book are made up entirely of flash (or micro) fiction. Flash fiction is anything that comes in at under 500 words, short stories normally vary between 1000 and 5000 words. With that in mind, those looking for a bit more of a yarn to their tales may be disappointed. That said, this is a well written book with stories that remain engaging throughout. From laughter to tears, The Dog Stays and Other Stories is a book you will want to keep picking up.

AEB Reviews

Links:

Reedsy Discovery Review: AEB Reviews – “The Dog Stays and Other Stories” by Marjan Sierhuis

Purchase Link: “The Dog Stays and Other Stories” by Marjan Sierhuis (Amazon)

Author website: https://www.marjansierhuis.ca/

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