Have you ever woken up and thought ‘damn, yet another morning and I’m still not Alice E. Bennett? Heck I’m not even Alice Bennett and there are thousands of those, including this deceased bae…’

Well fear not because below are a few simple things you can adopt in your life to be less like you and more like me. And a world with more Alice would be a fudging sweet one.

• Make this your new backing track:

• Or this:

• Listen to Classic FM on lunch breaks whilst reading solid literature. Bonus points for adding an amused/coy smile when you have no idea what you’re reading about.
• Make the same sad cheese sandwich for lunch everyday. Own the saved pennies, disown the taste!
• Play the game ‘new mole or just melted chocolate?’
• Walk so fast you forget to look where you’re going, trip and smash your head into the pavement. Is that concussion or are you feeling sassier already?
• Spill tea or coffee. Just because.
• Dresses need to become a thing in your life.
• Either look adorable…

• …Or honest.

• Drink wine knowing almost certainly what it will bring.
• Read books in coffee shops – initially with the pretence of looking sophisticated but then because you enjoy the experience.
• Explore/visit things by yourself and be perfectly happy in doing so.
• Work hard, write harder.
• Love your family.

• Mock your family.

• But most of all, never forget your humble beginnings as a pair of 90s curtains.

• …Or a bin bag.

Do that and you’ll be right on track to being more like Alice E. Bennett. Just don’t come knocking round my door asking for tea bags, you can spill your own tea.