22 Starfish Road (Where the Mermaid & Her Housemates Live)

I’ve been doing this blog a solid amount of time now and yet it has only just come to my mind that you guys know nada about where I live. I was munching away on a tuna baguette I’d just rustled up (you’ll be impressed to know I managed to combine the two components without setting the smoke alarm off – a first for me) when the thought struck my mind. So here we are, a summary of everything you need to know about the house Alice, the mermaid and the other ‘professionals’ live in.

Now, for the sake of not wanting to come home one day and find myself hassled by one fan, I am going to give a fake name for the house. It’s on a housing estate with street names that all link to one theme, a theme that bears no resemblance to the area. So, in landlocked Swindon I’m going to say I live on 22 Starfish Road.


Date of construction: Early 2000’s

No. proper bedrooms: 4

No. of actual bedrooms: 5

Floors/Storeys: 3

Bathrooms: 3

Parking: Off road and garage

Oh that’s good, do you actually use the garage for a second car?: No, it houses Mermaid Becki’s wheelchair and DIY trolley, so she can be carted around for her performances. There’s also a desk and loads of rubbish.

Garden: Urm, there’s a weird patch of slabs off the back of someone’s bedroom. But we do have a communal garden, where you can sit and feel uncomfortable because it looks like you’re out there watching children when you just want them to go away so you can read your book. So really, no.

Things you need to know:

  1. We have random pictures/hangings in the house that have probably been there since construction. Images that have nothing to do with each other or the house.


2) Tenants of this house have an abject fear of letting go of the Christmas spirit. I kid you not, we had a Christmas cake sat on the microwave that only got thrown out this week. This wreath:


…This wreath has been outside my bedroom since late December. A fellow housemate is so used to seeing it she’s forgotten that Christmas wreaths should not normally hang off third floor radiators. But then to put it in the garage takes time and it’s cold and scary down there, so we leave it. Not as bad as last year when the tree stayed in the living room until about April/May:


3) There’s always a blown out lightbulb – that or one just vanishes one day.


We all marvel as the non-existence of it, we all get a bit grumpy because it increases the risk of falling down the stairs and dying at night, but yet we all get on with it.

4) Things that could easily be resolved tend to get left unless they’re life threatening. Mine and Sophie’s bath for example has the tendency to do this whenever we use the shower:


(I think we’re too British to talk about bath water – I really should bring it up in conversation…)

5) speaking of bathrooms and water, 22 Starfish Road has previously flooded – on the third floor. This expertly filmed video shows how bizarre a situation it was. Not what I was expecting when I got home from work. (Also, because I haven’t used Windows Movie Maker since I was 12, I also added a cool stock library soundtrack to make it sound more dramatic and cool. It also helps hide my awkward British film narration).

6) We accumulate random items. As a result of living in a houseshare where tenants come and go, we pick up the random items that get left behind. Because the housemate leaving doesn’t tend to say “hey, I’m leaving this food behind” or “help yourself to my juicer” we tend to leave it. Like a loyal dog we assume the owner will one day come back for it, or it is owned by a current housemate. Both are false. Therefore in our house you’ll find objects only young professionals would own. Items like soda streams and blenders…


…or endless piles of crockery:


Fancy a George Foreman? We have two! Although we’ve haven’t read the instructions, you get healthy from stacking them in a corner and letting them gather dust right?


As there’s now five girls in the house we know this isn’t ours, but we’re all a bit scared by it:


…And we have a VCR video player. Just because.


7) This is not a good place to live if you have cleaning OCD. If you read the blog post on my cupboard contents – There’s Some Weird Shizz in My Cupboard – with horror then you really don’t want to start poking around in the communal spaces too much. This cupboard I had to force shut:


And as for the utility. Well, I’d advise you look away now:


If you look very carefully you’ll see that there should be a sink in the right hand corner of the above image. Not anymore.

(None of the above stuff is mine I’d like to add. Lets make that very clear.)

8) Despite earning a respectable salary, I still remain stuck in my Grimgrad ways. From looking at my fridge self you’d honestly think I was sponsored by Sainsbury’s Basics.


(I’ll be honest, you caught me on an off day. There’s usually a tub of Basics hummus in there as well, with Basics pita bread to go with it.)

What can I say – I’m a creature of habit and a creature that is, for her age, unhealthily obsessed with the current housing market and need to save up a deposit for a fictional house.

Can’t say my bedroom is much better. For the sake of my privacy, I’m only taking a photo of my bed, however I think it sums up my life pretty well.


Laptop, headphones, plate (which usually always has food on it), book (Far From the Madding Crowd by Hardy is the present choice), oh, and a giant Stitch toy (a character from Disney’s Lilo and Stitch). Long story but my sister and I have a soft spot for this scene:

(More because Stitch has a stupid voice than the sentimental value).

To show me how much she loves me, she gives me the world’s biggest Stitch toy. One which takes up my room and therefore my life. I now know how Miss Bates felt in Emma when Jane Fairfax buys her a stupidly sized piano for the tiny house.

Love you sis!

I was going to write more on this, but I’ll save my room for another post. A sequel to “There’s Some Weird Shizz in my Cupboard” if you like.

So that’s the house. A nice summary of what it’s like to live in the four walls of 22 Starfish Road, Swindon. A pretty decent house as house shares go, certainly one of a kind. As long as I don’t think about the contents of the utility room and the monster that I’m convinced lives in the garage then I’m just fine living here.

Aren’t we lucky professionals?

Ps – After I filmed the state of the house post third-floor water pipe flooding, I felt compelled to dance about in the flooded patch. Not only did I dance about in it, but I also filmed myself doing it. It must have been a long day in the office, or the pipes were leaking more than water. I’ve added more Windows music so it sounds like Alice is having the time of her life, bless her. Enjoy.

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