Are you going to tell her, or shall I?
Humor
Nablopomo Day 10: The John Lewis Christmas Advert 2016 – Who’s Cleaning up the Animal Poop?
In the UK, the John Lewis Christmas ad is kinda a big deal. In recent years it’s created a tadition of being the most finically invested, beautifully created and, therefore, most anticipated television advert of the year. It’s not acceptable to eat a mince pie until the John Lewis Christmas advert has broadcast on television sets.
Based on that, I present to you the John Lewis Christmas advert 2016 – #BusterTheBoxer.
You’re going to need to watch this for context to the below:
Now I’ve/you’ve seen the full advert, here are a few thoughts. My very British thoughts.
- #BusterTheBoxer is not an acceptable title for a beautiful and/or Christmas advert. You guys spent £1 million on production and you couldn’t produce a better title than a hashtag? You guys charged per word or somthing?
- That dog isn’t cute.
- Whatever happened to nodding dogs?
- That girl is going to destroy her bed.
- I’m sorry, what decent parenting allows their kid to get away with that much bouncing?
- Anyone who has ever been a kid/parent (i.e. everyone) knows that expecting a child to sleep on Christmas eve and not react to clattering in the garden is expecting way too much.
- Goodbye to your chances of getting Alan Titchmarsh to redesign your garden. That thing is a beast and is going to kill off your grass to buggery.
- Also – good luck mowing around that mate.
- Ok, I’m going to have to suspend reality for a bit here I can see.
- That is cute.
- Oh no, don’t invite the hedgehog on, with his spikes that is a minor injury waiting to happen. I hope the dad kept the receipt, spike damage on a trampoline is going to be pret-ty noticable.
- Mate, I wouldn’t be too down about it, with that many animals on there you wouldn’t reach optinmum bounce anyway.
- Never snows on Christmas.
- That trampoline is far too clean. You’re expecting me to believe that the animals of Farthing wood all came down and had a massive garden party on that thing and there’s no foot prints, scratches or poop on that thing? That thing should be reaking of ferral animal right now. Unless we skipped the scene where Peter Rabbish and Jemima Puddle-Duck came down and cleaned it up?
- Real unattractive dog gets upstarted by CGI unattaractive dog.
- Ok, I guess it is kida cute though.
- Why do all the humans look so confused/stoned? Given their reaction shouldn’t the overall message be “Christmas is for sharing, idiots”?
- Well that was nice, I actually needed that. Oh wait, Trump is still going to be president, better get back to screaming into a pillow and ditching Christmas presents for stocking up on tinned goods!
Gotta love the John Lewis Christmas advert.
Nablopomo Day 8: The Lesser of Two Evils (US General Election 2016)
Given the countless number of blog posts, news articles, Facebook posts and general trollers out there, I’m going to keep this as short and sweet as possible. When it comes to my views on the Democratic nominee Hilary Clinton and the Republican contender Donald Trump, my opinion on the US general election 2016 is the same as my opinions on the 2012 general election. In fact they’re also the same as those felt for the 2008 general election, the 2004 general election and, had I not been so obsessed with Pokémon and rolling in mud, it probably would have been the same in 2000. My thoughts can be summed up in one statement is this:
Please America, just pick the normal one. The lesser of two evils.
It’s not too hard to do. Look, the other candidate has even been discovered as a massive homophobic/communist/sexist/racist/idiot. See! They’ve even admitted to it! (Wait, why are these people cheering?)
What I think I struggle with most about this election is that in a country of 324,707,000 people the two people put forward to rule country and, arguably, the world are not liked by anyone in said country. It genuinely makes no sense. Big shocker – the normal one everyone usually falls back on isn’t actually quite the saint everyone desperately wanted to be. Suddenly everyone would rather former President Hoover was resurrected and brought back to stand office – and he was the man that caused the Great Depression of 1929-1945.
Now, I know in the UK we’re not quite up there in size with America but I’m going to say one thing – British Empire. Ok, so that in mind, I’d say we can draw fair comparisons between our two political spectrums. How come when our former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, was caught on tape in 2010 describing a voter as a ‘bigoted woman’, it literally spelt the end of his political carrier, yet Donald Trump has woman after woman claiming indecent assault and he is somehow able to shrug it off? If you told me our two countries were inhabited by creatures as different as fish and unicorns I’d understand, but on the surface the only things separating us (and I’m going to overly generalise here) are our differing accents and Wendy’s. So why are we in this position? Why am I going to bed thinking the same thing on a four year rotation? And why is it getting progressively worse each time? If the slightly better candidate gets in this time, are we only delaying the inevitable car crash when, in four years’ time, I’ll switch on my TV to see the political debate being fought over by Big Bird and Barney the Dinosaur?
I know it’s too late for this election. The nominees were decided months ago and your votes have well and truly been cast. The decision has been made. However, whatever the result tonight/tomorrow, America I ask of you only this:
For the love of God, don’t screw our planet up.
Nabloposmo Day 3: Common Office Jargon – a Translation Guide
A simple translation guide for the generic terminology and sayings normally heard around an office environment.
General Conversation
“Hi, how are you?” – I’m making small talk with you because it’s polite.
“Good thanks, you?” – I’m responding to your small talk with a simple answer so we can get to business.
“Hey, are you busy?” – The answer to this question is irrelevant, you’re about to be given something to do.
“I don’t suppose you can have a look at this with me?” – I value your opinions on this and need to cover my arse if it all goes belly up.
“We need to go back to the supplier and tell them…” – Either myself or you need to get in touch with the supplier and explain this (ideally you).
“The deadline is flexible” – There’s a bit of leeway for when this work needs to be finished.
“This is a firm deadline” – You’re in big trouble if you don’t get this work completed on time.
“Only if it’s not too much trouble” – Even if it is too much trouble you’re still doing this for me.
“Roy from accounts is a #*&@+~>#!!” – “Roy from accounts is not my favourite person.”
“*various expletives shouted at screen*” – perhaps now is a good time to keep your head down.
“Going forward” – Based on the past, this is what can/will be improved in the future, hopefully. Conversational example, “the office block caught on fire last week. What can we learn from this?” “Well, going forward we now know that fires are started by hot things.”
Telephone Etiquette
“Hello, The John Smith Glitter Company, we make your dreams sparkle and shine, Alice speaking, how may I help?” – I’m dying a little inside every time I answer the phone. I dare you to ask me to repeat that again.
“I’m sorry, they’re in a meeting right now” – there are various places they could be, but it’s not here.
“Let me give you her email” – my colleague doesn’t want you to be constantly calling, but if they’re interested they will be in touch. More likely not, but let’s keep you hoping.
“Can I get that in writing?” – there’s either too much information to process or I’m covering my backside in case I need to refer to this later on.
“We really value your custom” – (Customer Services) We don’t really care either way. (Everyone else) I’m either sucking up to you or apologising on someone’s else’s behalf.
Singular vs Plural
“The printer is useless” – the thing in the corner is broken, again.
“The printers are useless” – our suppliers are not quite putting 100% effort in.
Other Terminology
Synergy – A fancy word used in presentations. Meaning: unknown.
Working from home – they’re at home watching daytime TV.
Meetings – where everyone gathers to discuss things. Degrees of importance/length vary, as does quality of snack and refreshment items.
Training Course – a session used to expand your knowledge or understanding of a particular element. The ‘fun’ ones are usually compulsory.
Expenses – Depending on where you work and what you do, you can sometimes claim money back on things purchased (e.g. train tickets, food, coffee, three course lunches, first class plane tickets, a BMW…).
Expense Claims – Pulling every trick/excuse in the book to get your money back from finance.
Annual Leave – the best piece of legislation ever enforced (just so long as you don’t log into the work email).
Missed any? Let me know in the comments below!
Day 1: National Blog Posting Month (nablopomo) – Introduction
November may mark the end of STOPtober and the start of Movember, but during this chilly month there’s also another craze which sweeps across the globe, affecting those who are either word sociopaths or those who still live with their mum. I’m talking about National Blog Posting month, also known as nablopomo (*cue fanfare and confetti ribbons*).
Never heard of it? Let me explain. National Blog Posting Month sets bloggers the challenge of writing a post every day throughout the month of November with the aim of raising awareness of blogging and to inspire people to get into writing. Yep, because blogging really is up there with raising awareness of Syria or prostate cancer…
Still, as at this present time I am unable to be Joanna Lumley or grow a moustache I thought I’d set myself the challenge of writing something everyday. Anyone who knows me and my crazy busy lifestyle well (9-5 job, social group manager x 2, gym-er, baker, commuter, blogger and now local paper reporter, oh and these hangers on called friends and family), well it doesn’t take a smart arse to see that fitting in a blog post every day on top of that is going to be pret-ty interesting. Heads up now, they won’t all be masterpieces, they won’t all be thousands of words long with a million photos and witty anecdotes, but ultimately they will be blog posts. Should be interesting to see how this goes when I forced into quantity rather than quality (before you comment on that last statement, shush).
Similarly, I really don’t intend to flood my various social media outposts with every single post I upload. For one, it takes time (refer to list of extra curricular activities above – I have none as it is) and secondly I’m determined to not become ‘that guy’ who turns their blog into their literal baby. Even I’m prepared to accept not all my posts are belters – I appreciate you guys politely smiling at them (so to speak) but I’m concerned that if I push it too far my fan base of four is going to plummet significantly during the course of the month.
So there you have it, happy November, Movember, Blog Posting Month, Christmas Fever Settling In Month Like It Or Not Month or whatever you want to call it. If you want to support me during this month please feel free to send me donations. Any money received with be invested into wine. Wine, coffee and chocolate.
Here goes! Wish me luck.
Halloween – What IS it All About?
Halloween is a funny old festival isn’t it?
I mean think about it, we’re told from birth that it’s not ok to scare people and to tell your sister she’s ugly is not a nice thing, yet on one day every year it’s suddenly acceptable. On 31st October it’s perfectly fine to make yourself look like something from The Walking Dead, or look like a slutty zombie nurse (FYI – who decided that was an attractive concept?) and walk around town making people feel uncomfortable.
Only one day a year is it acceptable for nations to get into fancy dress on the town. Not even at Christmas is there one designated day for it, and on Valentine’s day I’d actually be more disturbed to see what people did/didn’t wear. For that matter I’d be more curious why they were out in fancy dress in the first place. Weird thoughts Alice, reign it in…
I really cannot judge in the slightest, last night I was out on the town as part of a Halloween social with my 18-30 group where I was dressed as an attractive witch (because there is a line between nun and zombie wonder woman Jenna Marbles…)
If anything it made me wish I could spend the other 364 days a year walking around in a green and black dress and pointed hat and used my vast array of attractive faces on passers by.
(Honestly, at the moment my faces are vastly under used and appreciated. It’s a crying shame.)
Halloween also is also probably the only time of year where I can wear black lipstick, apply a grey filter to photos and, after a couple of glasses of wine, tell myself I should rock the goth look more often. Even though gothic Alice would quite literally be the most hilarious thing and would probably offend many people in the process.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, why do I somehow manage to always look better when I’m merry? I look better, but conversation level is never at it’s peak unless you want me to tell you how wonderful you are. Another reason why I can’t do goth, too ruddy adorable.
I really, really could go on at great length about Halloween costumes. There’s just so much to talk about, discuss and, ultimately, judge about what people choose to wear and the amount of effort people put into their outfits. Time and effort that results in a) a decent look which wows people for all of 10 seconds b) a outfit that looks half-arsed or c) an outfit well put together, but incredibly distasteful and/or one which ends up with the wearer getting punched. I’ll leave costumes at that.
It’s also at Halloween that I feel twice my age. Why? Because I inevitably go into shops and say ‘when I was a kid there wasn’t any of this tat. You had one ceramic jack-o-lantern and a pumpkin with two triangles and a rectangle for a mouth. And yet in recent years I’ve found that if you go to the Halloween section in a discount shop on, or near to, the day itself, you’d think they’d been stocking medical supplies when a deadly virus struck or that they’d been displaying Furbys or whatever kids what for Christmas nowadays.
The fun and games my sister had was a brutal game called ghost in the dark. One of us put on a large blanket and dashes about in the dark, the other has to grab them and throw the ghost onto the sofa. Those where the early days of ‘night out’ bruises – how neither of us sustained more serious injuries is forever a mystery. All said and done though, living in the middle of nowhere we never went trick or treating, there were no costumes or sweets or house parties and, as far as I was aware, there wasn’t much of a buzz for it nationally either. I don’t really know when it changed, but as the famous British theorem goes, “if in doubt, blame the Americans”. I think the whole Mexican festival of Day of the Dead must have played an impact but then that’s a tradition dating back centuries, why is it only now that it’s become a big deal? Are skulls in fashion nowadays, alongside owls and scatter cushions? Hmm, it’s all a mystery to me.
At any rate, happy Halloween people. If there’s anything that I guess you could say about October 31st, it’s not a festival that is heavily rooted in modern day religion, it is something that anyone and everyone can throw their full weight into.
For those who have been out this weekend celebrating, I hope it was a good one, to those going out tomorrow, I hope it is a good one. However your nights went or do go, just remember this; no matter what it could always be worse. You could be a cat being made to wear loo role against your will, even though you know it looks pants and does nothing for your street cred.
Happy Halloween.
An Unwise Wisdom Tooth
As I found myself sat in a medical waiting room all I could think of (besides the pain) was “here we go again”.
This time around however there were some minor differences. For one, the cause of my being there was not a smashed in face, but a troublesome wisdom tooth (unfortunately there are no photo ‘beauties’ of my injuries. I mean who can forget this stunner?)
Also, due to the severity and urgency of my condition, I was in the waiting room of a private dentist instead of one belonging to a NHS dentist (the type I would normally choose). Having your regular dentistry tell you that ‘there are no dentists on site on a Friday’ and suggest you call 111 or go to A&E is a bit of an inconvenience when you have a tooth protruding into your cheek. In such a state I was happy to take mumma Bennett’s advice and go private. Thanks also to the quick thinking and research of mumma Bennett, I was able to go to one locally which had an emergency appointment slot. Unfortunately this slot was in 20 minutes and I had no idea where I was going. Never in my life did I expect to be running to the dentist.
With (somehow) a bit of time to spare I was able to take in the waiting room. The background music was a suitable soundtrack of Heart Radio (because who doesn’t love a bit of Ed Sheeran?) but I’ll leave you to spot the main difference between the private waiting room compared to an NHS one:
Well, other than the fact it’s the most stylish waiting room I’ve ever been in, there were zero people in there. Heck, even the receptionist left me alone for a while. I know it goes without saying but in the NHS waiting rooms are considerably busier. Also, the people on reception never put out free tubes of toothpaste and if they did they’d watch you like a hawk to put you off taking them. I may have taken a few…(look, if I’m going to go private I’ve got to try and offset the costs somehow.)
Went in to see the dentist and he confirmed what I knew to be the case, that it was the wisdom tooth causing the pain I was experiencing. What I didn’t quite realise was how bad it had become. Over the course of several weeks the tooth had started to stick into my cheek and, well, rub. It certainly explained why it was hurting to talk and eat and also why the mass consumption of gum aesthetic had done me no good but made my throat numb to hot drinks (when one is in pain, one much clutch at silver linings). The dentist also showed me a delightful photo image of the tooth in question on a screen in front of me. I know I’m British but I couldn’t help feel a bit awkward as I lay in a chair with the pair of us spending about five minutes looking at my infected cheek. To my knowledge in the NHS it’s “your tooth needs to come out”, “ok” and you go from there. It was when he asked to have the image saved that my mind started to wonder. I mean, what does he want to do with that photo? Does he have a album of all the wisdom teeth he’s ever pulled out, or does he just keep the favourites? When I leave, will I have the option to select the image and get it made into a key ring?
Wisdom tooth extraction is, in my squeamish mind, not something I find either interesting or fun to talk about. Number one reason why I couldn’t be a dentist? The noises. I’ll leave it there.
Surgery done and dusted I was presented with the tooth. I wasn’t really sure what I was meant to say, whether I was meant to go ‘yippee!’ or ‘good, I can verify you are a dentist now”. Not knowing what to go with, the first thing that sprang into my mind, the very thing I thought would be appropriate in this situation was simply “well, I’m certainly not going to get that put on a necklace!” The room was silent. I’ll admit the statement lacked impact on account of the aesthetic and the cotton wool shoved in my mouth. The delivery was a little off.
I tried to salvage the situation when the dentist asked me with genuine concern if someone was coming to pick me up. “Oh yes,” I said, “family are coming. I’m going to walk home from here, it isn’t far.” I pointed out the window to a patch of street paving, “I’ll just avoid walking on that stretch of pavement, I tripped and smashed my head on the pavement there a few months back!” I said it light heartedly, but instead of mild chuckles, the dentist looked at me in a very concerned way. The nurse looked at me like I was a puppy with a broken leg. I knew I wasn’t going to win over this crowd. I left the room like a true stand up comedian.
“Err, anyway, thank you very much for seeing me,” I said, “it’s been a blast!” And walked out the room.
A blast?! I’d just had a dentist rip out a tooth from my gums and I described the whole experience as a blast? All I can hope is that the awful humour can be explained on the drugs migrating from mouth to brain.
I tell you what certainly wasn’t a blast, the bill. Yep, that would be the main difference between NHS and private. Again, I can only assume the numbing drugs helped me get over that.
Anywho, post surgery I was unable to smile but that was about it. Here is proof of me trying so hard to use my face muscles, so hard:
You can probably see a little it of swelling, but luckily that is the extent of the physical short-term impact of the extraction.
I’ve been feeling a bit up and down but I’ll be back in work and back to my normal, fully blown awkward self in no time. Maybe I’ll even start thinking up what my next calamity in about six months’ time will be…
A Complete Numpty’s Guide to Baking
Fairy Cakes à la Alice
This is a favourite recipe of mine, inspired by the immortal words of Tumblr:
“It’s not about the destination, but the journey”
You will need:
2 eggs
3oz caster sugar
3oz butter, softened
3oz self-raising flour (plus extra)
½ teaspoon baking powder
Fudge loads of random stuff to add in the name of ‘spur of the moment experimentation’
For decoration:
Cake cases that will undoubtedly prove to be too big or too small later on
An unqualified amount of icing sugar
Too much water OR too much butter
Fudge loads of random stuff to add in the name of ‘spur of the moment experimentation’
Method
Baking
- Preheat the oven to 180c (erm, gas mark…4?)
- Get out your twelve, holed, cake/bun tray thingy out (you know the one). Put cake cases in the holes and congratulate yourself for doing a good job thus far
- Weigh out ingredients (do people put ‘weigh out ingredients’ in the method? Or are you expected to have already done that? Oh well)
- Put flour, butter, sugar and baking powder into a mixing bowl. Whisk eggs separately and slowly add to the mixture whilst beating
- Once mixed you may think “this is a bit runny” in which case add extra flour. How much? The length of a piece of string
- Add random ingredients into the mix. Berries, flavourings, golden syrup (personal favourite), wine…
- Evenly divide mixture between the cake cases. Don’t forget to leave a suitable amount of batter behind for personal consumption.
- Put in the oven and bake for around 15 minutes or until golden brown. Put the TV on.
- About 20 minutes later suddenly realise the time, shout expletives and rush to the oven. Remove cakes just in time and leave to cool.
Post Dinner Decoration
- Place cakes on a plate or suitable decorating surface
- Lay out all items of decoration and take in a moment to visualise how amazing your cakes are going to look. No one will care about the burnt edges or iffy flavours but they will look like God’s gift when you’re done
- For butter cream icing mix icing sugar and butter and keep adding either ingredient to the mix until you final get the balance right and you find yourself with far too much icing
- For simple icing sugar and water combo (classic) most normal people add water to icing sugar. For the à la Alice version though, put about 100ml water into a bowl and add sugar. Realise you don’t have enough icing sugar. Rope in housemate to lend you her sugar. Discover that even this isn’t enough. Scream into a pillow.
- At 10pm, put on normal clothes and power walk down to local supermarket. Buy biggest bag of icing sugar they stock and rush back home
- Add icing sugar to water until it vaguely resembles icing. Add in more golden syrup (no reason). You’ll now have around a gallon of icing to cover twelve – fourteen small cakes
- Apply far too much icing to each cake so that it leaks over the top of the cases. Curse the cases for being too small
- Drizzle syrup on top, because one really can never have too much syrup. Mutter strong words when pretty syrup pattern melts into icing
- Go into desperation mode and stick literally anything and everything on top. Sprinkles, sugar, edible decorations, just anything
Finishing Off
Stand back and admire handiwork:
Turn around and look at the carnage left behind:
Tidy up the essentials, leaving the kitchen area looking like a scene from CSI Bake Off:
The Aftermath
Eat/drink literally half a gallon of icing (i.e. pure sugar), eat one of the cakes and then have the world’s biggest sugar crash. Wake up the next morning with a sugar hangover and vowing to never go through that again in a hurry.
Take cakes into work, have them devoured by colleagues and be worshipped like a baking Goddess.
Voila! Fairy Cakes à la Alice = Baking success
A Spanish Sunday in September
(I know right – all of the ‘S’s! Can you tell this girl works in marketing?)
With the weather being truly glorious today, many in the Bennett household are taking this opportune chance to moan about the weather, well, BBC’s Weather to be precise.
“This wasn’t forecast for today”
“It was meant to be sunny yesterday and rain today, not the other way round!”
“It’s too hot for my body warmer!”
To be fair, it is what we’re best at doing in this country. Weather moaning is a skill that has taken centuries to hone in. It’s what makes us British.
Owing perhaps to the delightful temperatures, I’ve spent a great deal of the day in a somewhat Spanishy mood. Oh, I hear you ask, have you been nibbling on some chorizo or sipping on sangria? Have you been learning the steps of the flamenco or viewing the works of Picasso? No, in answer to your theoretical questions I have not been doing any of these things. I have not even sampled any of the authentic cuisines of Spain recommended by Papa Bennett (these being pizza, paninis and baguettes. Tres authentic dishes.) Not a crumb has passed these lips. In fact the only thing which has made today particularly Spanishy in outlook, aside from the unseasonably hot weather, is this song:
This song has been stuck in my head all day. It’s by no means a bad thing, it’s very cheery in outlook, but it’s coming into my life at the worst possible time. It’s late September and as Muma Bennett has delightfully reminded me, next week it’ll be October. This is a song full of up beat vibes and Summer feelings. The lyrics, the music, the video, it is all dripping in it. I do not want to be thinking of this song when it is pouring down with rain and blowing up gale force ten winds outside. And do not get me started on how this song sits next to the High Street’s ever increasing need to shove Christmas down my throat as early as possible. All joking aside, there is a very real possibility that if I listen to this song at the wrong moment this year’s Secret Santa will be getting a mango. This song is also a nice little reminder of my non-existent lingual skills. That ‘learn Spanish’ New Year’s resolution was ditched way back on January 5th. I mean I’m here bopping away in my head to this song without any idea or context to what Paulina is signing about. Before today I’d never witnessed this music video. I’ll be honest, I found the song on a Latino Spotify playlist whilst I was having a hipster moment and I have cradled the track as my own ever since. All I’m getting from this video is that the song has something to do with obsessive stalkers and paint. (It says something about my mental age when the first thing that sprung to mind was “thing of the cleaning costs!”)
So, on what must surely be the last Sunny Sunday of the year, let’s all make the most of the upbeat vibes and let a little summer back into our lives for what remains of the day. That would be just brillo (because if you stick an ‘O’ on the end of any word, it makes it officially Spanish).
I really need to give those CDs another go.
Brace Yourself…This Blog is About to go Off the Chain
…Why I hear you ask? Two things:
a) This is the fourth post in one week (it must be all that semi-skimmed milk, the fat has gone to my head)
b) I’ve recently purchased this book:
I mean, not that my blog was lacking before (I think we all can agree it’s the funniest thing since sliced bread), but now thanks to this book I can start myself on the route to fame and blogging fortune. It’s almost enough for me to chuck in the whole career thing and make my sole living off witty commentaries.
I’ve already learnt so much, for example did you know that public blogs can be viewed by everyone on the planet? That one knocked me right for six. I’ve also learnt that a ‘proper’ blogger should blog at least three times a week, hence why I’m gloating that I’ve somehow managed to put up four new posts in one week. Don’t get too comfortable with it though, I mean these bad boy writing skills take time to compose. I’d rather upload one post in two weeks than eight one liners in the same space of time.
Now it may say something about the previous owner when there are numerous frustrated scribbles and highlighted sentences, and I suppose their decision to ‘donate’ it to an Oxfam book shop may also speak volumes, but then I suppose they just didn’t have natural talent to nourish.
I’m not pinning my hopes of world domination and success on this one £3.49 book, I mean that would be silly. I will say this though; brace yourselves to have your minds utterly blown.
(…And if your minds aren’t blown? Well that’s the fault of the book, not me.)
My Housemate's a Mermaid 