Humor

Nablopomo Day 22: The Common Cold

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Humor, Humour, nablopomo , ,

In the last couple of days I’ve been struck down the most irritable of viruses, the common cold. Forget Darf Vader, Simon Cowell and reduced fat cheese, the common cold is the ultimate enemy of human kind, notably the British variety, who have to put up with the sickness all too frequently. As someone who tends to be cold-ridden for many weeks at a time (two-six weeks usually), I can honestly say I’ve tried to see the bright side. I’ve tried to see the humour in the husky voice and the excuse to binge on chocolate. However that Phoebe Buffay from Friends reference only carries so much water and what use is endless chocolate if you can’t taste anything?

In my feeble attempts to see a glimmer of positivity I have even turned to Google. Maybe there’s a new herb or questionable Hungarian drug I can buy. Search results – Vicks vapour rub and a healthy dose of ‘quit your whining and stay away from A&E’. Then I thought, ‘maybe there’s a fancy Latin name for the common cold I can use to make people think I’m really sick’. Search results – ‘the common cold, otherwise known as a cold, is an infectious disease of the upper respiratory tract…’. Only in the Western world would we rename something to have fewer words because two words was clearly one too many to remember. How come all the plants on Gardeners’ World get really long, fancy sounding, names? It’s just not fair.

I know what many of you are thinking, ‘here we go again, another case of Man Flu. It’s just a cold, she needs to get over it’. I wouldn’t blame you for thinking it, in fact I’d be saying the exact same thing in your shoes. Truth is, when I have a cold I become my own worst enemy. I don’t want to be near me, let alone anyone else. At the click of a finger I become the croaky, snotty, tired-eyed personification of an invisible force which doesn’t deserve the attention it gets. It’s like a (very) low budget, English, version of the Incredible Hulk ‘what do you mean, you’re out of cough sweets? Have you forgotten where we are? Did your stockist not look at the calendar?! That makes throat angry! ARGHHH!!’ (precedes to knock several boxes of paracetamol off the shelf and storm out of the shop, tutting).

Anyway, in short, I have a cold. Persons close to me for personal or professional reasons would be best placed to keep their distance until I am in a more fitting state to be social. Take this blog post as written approval.

An excuse to be antisocial? Hey, maybe there is a silver lining to this cold after all.

Nablopomo Day 20: Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Christmas, Humor, Humour, nablopomo , ,

Apparently it’s no longer enough to put up freaky and scary decorations once a year on Halloween, now it’s happening for Christmas too. Take this ornament for example. For 25 of your hard earned pounds you can buy this monstrous piece of decorative tat:

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It’s big, it’s clunky, but those eyes. Who decided that painting those eyes on in that way was ok? If that wasn’t enough though, it gets worse. You press a button on the side and it does this:

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Because gold glitter and bright lights makes everything better. Especially in a darkened space.

Seriously, who is commissioning these items? Who is buying them? Both sets of people need to sit down in a room and take a good, long, look at themselves.

 

 

Nablopomo Day 18: Inappropriate Music

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Humor, Humour, Music ,

My colleague and I had an inappropriate song-struck-in head off today. As our chairs are located literally back to back (#OverstaffedOfficeProblems) we share a great deal of information, sometimes perhaps too much. Put it this way, it’s been a bonding experience. Nowhere else can I say I’ve learnt the art of careful wheeled office chair reversal (trust me, it’s a very unvalued skill). One of our many chats today was on the topic of music which followed minutes later by my colleague announcing she had “Apple Pen” stuck in her head. For those of you who have yet to experience the delights of this song, here is the video:

Pretty annoyingly catchy right? Double points for that fact for simplicity and dance moves I can learn. Besides, any music video that prioritises dress over props is going to score highly with me. Reduce the price of fruit and pens I say.

Despite this, I was all to quick to respond “I can better that” and muttered the lyrics I had stuck in my head. Faced with her disbelief, told her to Google it.

This was the song I had stuck in my head whilst sat in a professional office environment:

Definitely NSFW!

Nablopomo Day 14: A Girl Named Tuna

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Humor, Humour, nablopomo , , , ,

Question. If you were to see someone stare right at you and exclaim “tuna!” what would be your first reaction? Whether that person was mentally sound or not, you’d probably avoid them, right? That would be the normal reaction to have. Unfortunately, normal and Alice Bennett never have quite gone hand in hand, which is why, at the sound of someone shouting “TUNNNNAAA!” I will instinctively look to the noise’s source and give a cheery wave.

To backtrack a little, during my secondary school days I was obsessed with the consumption of tuna fish. Pretty much every lunch consumed in the school canteen was tuna based. Jacket potatoes, wraps, baguettes, you name it, (as long as it had tuna in it) I ate it. To my small group of friends I was known as ‘tuna’, to the dinner ladies serving the jacket potatoes I was known as “the usual?” (and let me tell you, in a school of 1300 students it was quite an achievement to have your order remembered). For about three years I accepted my nickname as a rite of passage. With three other Alices in my year I also enjoyed being distinguishable from the heard.

Then I grew up.

When I left for university I decided I didn’t want to be linked to a smelly tinned fish that not everyone likes. In addition, on a student budget tuna turned from being a staple into a luxury food product, one that was seldom consumed in the face of cheap chips and discount chocolate. On every level, the name ‘tuna’ had to go. After eighteen years of avoiding the cliché I found myself shouting over bass line music “it’s Alice, you know, as in Alice in Wonderland?” To the most part it worked, I was able to breeze through university with no in-joke nicknames. However what I have discovered is that old habits die hard which is why, five years after secondary school, my Meerkat reactions are being activated still by someone yelling tuna from the other side of the street. My old school friends persist on doing it because they know it’s the only way to get my attention and, as much as it pains me to say it, it still works.

Why couldn’t I have just stuck with pizza and burgers?

(Written in response to the WordPress Daily Prompt, Fish)

Nablopomo Day 10: The John Lewis Christmas Advert 2016 – Who’s Cleaning up the Animal Poop?

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Christmas, Humor, Humour , , ,

In the UK, the John Lewis Christmas ad is kinda a big deal. In recent years it’s created a tadition of being the most finically invested, beautifully created and, therefore, most anticipated television advert of the year. It’s not acceptable to eat a mince pie until the John Lewis Christmas advert has broadcast on television sets.

Based on that, I present to you the John Lewis Christmas advert 2016 – #BusterTheBoxer.

You’re going to need to watch this for context to the below:

 

Now I’ve/you’ve seen the full advert, here are a few thoughts. My very British thoughts.

  • #BusterTheBoxer is not an acceptable title for a beautiful and/or Christmas advert. You guys spent £1 million on production and you couldn’t produce a better title than a hashtag? You guys charged per word or somthing?
  • That dog isn’t cute.
  • Whatever happened to nodding dogs?
  • That girl is going to destroy her bed.
  • I’m sorry, what decent parenting allows their kid to get away with that much bouncing?
  • Anyone who has ever been a kid/parent (i.e. everyone) knows that expecting a child to sleep on Christmas eve and not react to clattering in the garden is expecting way too much.
  • Goodbye to your chances of getting Alan Titchmarsh to redesign your garden. That thing is a beast and is going to kill off your grass to buggery.
  • Also – good luck mowing around that mate.
  • Ok, I’m going to have to suspend reality for a bit here I can see.
  • That is cute.
  • Oh no, don’t invite the hedgehog on, with his spikes that is a minor injury waiting to happen. I hope the dad kept the receipt, spike damage on a trampoline is going to be pret-ty noticable.
  • Mate, I wouldn’t be too down about it, with that many animals on there you wouldn’t reach optinmum bounce anyway.
  • Never snows on Christmas.
  • That trampoline is far too clean. You’re expecting me to believe that the animals of Farthing wood all came down and had a massive garden party on that thing and there’s no foot prints, scratches or poop on that thing? That thing should be reaking of ferral animal right now. Unless we skipped the scene where Peter Rabbish and Jemima Puddle-Duck came down and cleaned it up?
  • Real unattractive dog gets upstarted by CGI unattaractive dog.
  • Ok, I guess it is kida cute though.
  • Why do all the humans look so confused/stoned? Given their reaction shouldn’t the overall message be “Christmas is for sharing, idiots”?
  • Well that was nice, I actually needed that. Oh wait, Trump is still going to be president, better get back to screaming into a pillow and ditching Christmas presents for stocking up on tinned goods!

Gotta love the John Lewis Christmas advert.

Nablopomo Day 8: The Lesser of Two Evils (US General Election 2016)

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) America, Humor, Humour, politics , ,

Given the countless number of blog posts, news articles, Facebook posts and general trollers out there, I’m going to keep this as short and sweet as possible. When it comes to my views on the Democratic nominee Hilary Clinton and the Republican contender Donald Trump, my opinion on the US general election 2016 is the same as my opinions on the 2012 general election. In fact they’re also the same as those felt for the 2008 general election, the 2004 general election and, had I not been so obsessed with Pokémon and rolling in mud, it probably would have been the same in 2000. My thoughts can be summed up in one statement is this:

Please America, just pick the normal one. The lesser of two evils.

It’s not too hard to do. Look, the other candidate has even been discovered as a massive homophobic/communist/sexist/racist/idiot. See! They’ve even admitted to it! (Wait, why are these people cheering?)

What I think I struggle with most about this election is that in a country of 324,707,000 people the two people put forward to rule country and, arguably, the world are not liked by anyone in said country. It genuinely makes no sense. Big shocker – the normal one everyone usually falls back on isn’t actually quite the saint everyone desperately wanted to be. Suddenly everyone would rather former President Hoover was resurrected and brought back to stand office – and he was the man that caused the Great Depression of 1929-1945.

Now, I know in the UK we’re not quite up there in size with America but I’m going to say one thing – British Empire. Ok, so that in mind, I’d say we can draw fair comparisons between our two political spectrums. How come when our former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, was caught on tape in 2010 describing a voter as a ‘bigoted woman’, it literally spelt the end of his political carrier, yet Donald Trump has woman after woman claiming indecent assault and he is somehow able to shrug it off? If you told me our two countries were inhabited by creatures as different as fish and unicorns I’d understand, but on the surface the only things separating us (and I’m going to overly generalise here) are our differing accents and Wendy’s. So why are we in this position? Why am I going to bed thinking the same thing on a four year rotation? And why is it getting progressively worse each time? If the slightly better candidate gets in this time, are we only delaying the inevitable car crash when, in four years’ time, I’ll switch on my TV to see the political debate being fought over by Big Bird and Barney the Dinosaur?

I know it’s too late for this election. The nominees were decided months ago and your votes have well and truly been cast. The decision has been made. However, whatever the result tonight/tomorrow, America I ask of you only this:

For the love of God, don’t screw our planet up.

 

Nabloposmo Day 3: Common Office Jargon – a Translation Guide

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Humor, Humour, Office ,

A simple translation guide for the generic terminology and sayings normally heard around an office environment.

 General Conversation

 “Hi, how are you?” – I’m making small talk with you because it’s polite.

“Good thanks, you?” – I’m responding to your small talk with a simple answer so we can get to business.

“Hey, are you busy?” – The answer to this question is irrelevant, you’re about to be given something to do.

“I don’t suppose you can have a look at this with me?” – I value your opinions on this and need to cover my arse if it all goes belly up.

“We need to go back to the supplier and tell them…” – Either myself or you need to get in touch with the supplier and explain this (ideally you).

“The deadline is flexible” – There’s a bit of leeway for when this work needs to be finished.

“This is a firm deadline” – You’re in big trouble if you don’t get this work completed on time.

“Only if it’s not too much trouble” – Even if it is too much trouble you’re still doing this for me.

“Roy from accounts is a #*&@+~>#!!” – “Roy from accounts is not my favourite person.”

“*various expletives shouted at screen*” – perhaps now is a good time to keep your head down.

“Going forward” –  Based on the past, this is what can/will be improved in the future, hopefully. Conversational example, “the office block caught on fire last week. What can we learn from this?” “Well, going forward we now know that fires are started by hot things.”

Telephone Etiquette

“Hello, The John Smith Glitter Company, we make your dreams sparkle and shine, Alice speaking, how may I help?” – I’m dying a little inside every time I answer the phone. I dare you to ask me to repeat that again.

“I’m sorry, they’re in a meeting right now” – there are various places they could be, but it’s not here.

“Let me give you her email” – my colleague doesn’t want you to be constantly calling, but if they’re interested they will be in touch. More likely not, but let’s keep you hoping.

“Can I get that in writing?” – there’s either too much information to process or I’m covering my backside in case I need to refer to this later on.

“We really value your custom” – (Customer Services) We don’t really care either way. (Everyone else) I’m either sucking up to you or apologising on someone’s else’s behalf.

Singular vs Plural

“The printer is useless” – the thing in the corner is broken, again.

“The printers are useless” – our suppliers are not quite putting 100% effort in.

Other Terminology

Synergy – A fancy word used in presentations. Meaning: unknown.

Working from home – they’re at home watching daytime TV.

Meetings – where everyone gathers to discuss things. Degrees of importance/length vary, as does quality of snack and refreshment items.

Training Course – a session used to expand your knowledge or understanding of a particular element. The ‘fun’ ones are usually compulsory.

Expenses – Depending on where you work and what you do, you can sometimes claim money back on things purchased (e.g. train tickets, food, coffee, three course lunches, first class plane tickets, a BMW…).

Expense Claims – Pulling every trick/excuse in the book to get your money back from finance.

Annual Leave – the best piece of legislation ever enforced (just so long as you don’t log into the work email).

Missed any? Let me know in the comments below!

Day 1: National Blog Posting Month (nablopomo) – Introduction

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) #blog, comedy, Humor, Humour

November may mark the end of STOPtober and the start of Movember, but during this chilly month there’s also another craze which sweeps across the globe, affecting those who are either word sociopaths or those who still live with their mum. I’m talking about National Blog Posting month, also known as nablopomo (*cue fanfare and confetti ribbons*).

Never heard of it? Let me explain. National Blog Posting Month sets bloggers the challenge of writing a post every day throughout the month of November with the aim of raising awareness of blogging and to inspire people to get into writing. Yep, because blogging really is up there with raising awareness of Syria or prostate cancer…

Still, as at this present time I am unable to be Joanna Lumley or grow a moustache I thought I’d set myself the challenge of writing something everyday. Anyone who knows me and my crazy busy lifestyle well (9-5 job, social group manager x 2, gym-er, baker, commuter, blogger and now local paper reporter, oh and these hangers on called friends and family), well it doesn’t take a smart arse to see that fitting in a blog post every day on top of that is going to be pret-ty interesting. Heads up now, they won’t all be masterpieces, they won’t all be thousands of words long with a million photos and witty anecdotes, but ultimately they will be blog posts. Should be interesting to see how this goes when I forced into quantity rather than quality (before you comment on that last statement, shush).

Similarly, I really don’t intend to flood my various social media outposts with every single post I upload. For one, it takes time (refer to list of extra curricular activities above – I have none as it is) and secondly I’m determined to not become ‘that guy’ who turns their blog into their literal baby. Even I’m prepared to accept not all my posts are belters – I appreciate you guys politely smiling at them (so to speak) but I’m concerned that if I push it too far my fan base of four is going to plummet significantly during the course of the month.

So there you have it, happy November, Movember, Blog Posting Month, Christmas Fever Settling In Month Like It Or Not Month or whatever you want to call it. If you want to support me during this month please feel free to send me donations. Any money received with be invested into wine. Wine, coffee and chocolate.

Here goes! Wish me luck.

 

Halloween – What IS it All About?

My Housemate's a Mermaid (Alice E. Bennett) Humor, Humour

Halloween is a funny old festival isn’t it?

I mean think about it, we’re told from birth that it’s not ok to scare people and to tell your sister she’s ugly is not a nice thing, yet on one day every year it’s suddenly acceptable. On 31st October it’s perfectly fine to make yourself look like something from The Walking Dead, or look like a slutty zombie nurse (FYI – who decided that was an attractive concept?) and walk around town making people feel uncomfortable.

anarexia
Argh! Oh my God, it’s as if a skeleton nurse just walked into the room!

Only one day a year is it acceptable for nations to get into fancy dress on the town. Not even at Christmas is there one designated day for it, and on Valentine’s day I’d actually be more disturbed to see what people did/didn’t wear. For that matter I’d be more curious why they were out in fancy dress in the first place. Weird thoughts Alice, reign it in…

I really cannot judge in the slightest, last night I was out on the town as part of a Halloween social with my 18-30 group where I was dressed as an attractive witch (because there is a line between nun and zombie wonder woman Jenna Marbles…)

 

If anything it made me wish I could spend the other 364 days a year walking around in a green and black dress and pointed hat and used my vast array of attractive faces on passers by.

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(Honestly, at the moment my faces are vastly under used and appreciated. It’s a crying shame.)

Halloween also is also probably the only time of year where I can wear black lipstick, apply a grey filter to photos and, after a couple of glasses of wine, tell myself I should rock the goth look more often. Even though gothic Alice would quite literally be the most hilarious thing and would probably offend many people in the process.

dff

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, why do I somehow manage to always look better when I’m merry? I look better, but conversation level is never at it’s peak unless you want me to tell you how wonderful you are. Another reason why I can’t do goth, too ruddy adorable.

I really, really could go on at great length about Halloween costumes. There’s just so much to talk about, discuss and, ultimately, judge about what people choose to wear and the amount of effort people put into their outfits. Time and effort that results in a) a decent look which wows people for all of 10 seconds b) a outfit that looks half-arsed or c) an outfit well put together, but incredibly distasteful and/or one which ends up with the wearer getting punched. I’ll leave costumes at that.

It’s also at Halloween that I feel twice my age. Why? Because I inevitably go into shops and say ‘when I was a kid there wasn’t any of this tat. You had one ceramic jack-o-lantern and a pumpkin with two triangles and a rectangle for a mouth. And yet in recent years I’ve found that if you go to the Halloween section in a discount shop on, or near to, the day itself, you’d think they’d been stocking medical supplies when a deadly virus struck or that they’d been displaying Furbys or whatever kids what for Christmas nowadays.

The fun and games my sister had was a brutal game called ghost in the dark. One of us put on a large blanket and dashes about in the dark, the other has to grab them and throw the ghost onto the sofa. Those where the early days of ‘night out’ bruises – how neither of us sustained more serious injuries is forever a mystery. All said and done though, living in the middle of nowhere we never went trick or treating, there were no costumes or sweets or house parties and, as far as I was aware, there wasn’t much of a buzz for it nationally either. I don’t really know when it changed, but as the famous British theorem goes, “if in doubt, blame the Americans”. I think the whole Mexican festival of Day of the Dead must have played an impact but then that’s a tradition dating back centuries, why is it only now that it’s become a big deal? Are skulls in fashion nowadays, alongside owls and scatter cushions? Hmm, it’s all a mystery to me.

At any rate, happy Halloween people. If there’s anything that I guess you could say about October 31st, it’s not a festival that is heavily rooted in modern day religion, it is something that anyone and everyone can throw their full weight into.

For those who have been out this weekend celebrating, I hope it was a good one, to those going out tomorrow, I hope it is a good one. However your nights went or do go, just remember this; no matter what it could always be worse. You could be a cat being made to wear loo role against your will, even though you know it looks pants and does nothing for your street cred.

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Happy Halloween.