Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the 2003 Christian epic “Joshua and the Promised Land”
But don’t take my word for it (and the high quality design of the DVD cover), check out the film for yourself.
Yes, I am twenty years late to the party. Probably because the creators had tried to bury it.
For those without an hour to spare, here’s a three minute compilation of highlights (although not all off them, otherwise the video would be the same length as the original).
The reviews left by viewers make the 60 minutes of torment all the more worthwhile. Take these examples lifted from Amazon (where you can currently buy a copy of the DVD for c. $190):
5 Stars- This movie was the best that has happened from Christianity. This movie single handedly saved my marriage, better than the Bible you don’t even need to read the Bible after watching movie great for kids to experience Christianity through the best media possible!
5 stars – Me and my wife were considering a divorce prior to seeing this film. We were going through some tough times after we lost our 4th child, Jimothy. Jimothy was the glue that held our “little” family together. After he died, my wife and I just didn’t see each other the same. Then, on one glorious day, a package came to our door. It came in a box, a simple box, there were no special markings or distinguishing figures, just a box. I opened the package and saw what I believed to be a children’s film, I was very very wrong. Joshua the Lion is a tale about adventure, godliness, and most importantly family. After my wife and I saw the mended relationship between Joshua’s parents, we too knew we could save our marriage.
IMDB is a bit more critical on the rankings, but the descriptions are just as brilliantly conceived:
1/10 – This Movie Caused the Great Depression. This movie is so incredibly bad, that it caused the Great Depression. After seeing this movie, people’s faith in companies to provide quality products plummeted. This caused almost every business to go bankrupt, as no one was buying their products. People also lost faith in the banks, as they put so much money into this movie that they had no money to pay back the citizens. This threw the U.S economy into a downward spiral, and left the country in ruins. Overall, I would say that we burn all physical copies of the DVD to get rid of the memories of this tragic time period.
1/10 – Joshua and the reason i ripped all my hair out. This movie was decent until i actually started watching it. This movie made me cry, and not because it was emotional, but because of not only the god awful, horrible, student film quality looking animations, but i was so sad about the 55 minutes of my life that i will never get back, that i am 90% sure that i contracted chronic depression. This movie’s voice acting sounded like Gary Busey with a sinus infection. And what self-righteous 40 year old kindergarden student at the school of animation, thought to themselves, “Oh you know what would be clever? My last name is Lion, so lets make all the characters lions!” This movie looks like somebody decided to make lugaru into a movie and somehow used even worse quality character models than that. Overall this movie is the bane of my existance and i would rather chew gum i found on the bottom of a desk than watch it again.
And so on, and so on.
A few days later I discovered the film had a deleted scene. A deleted scene that makes no sense whatsoever. The YouTuber Saberspark does a great walkthrough of it in a way that makes it just about bearable:
So now you too have this film etched into your collective conscience.
Well…you’re welcome!
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My Housemate's a Mermaid 